Pssssssssssstttt OVER HERE! 256

So I know I've been MIA for the past week and I'm sorry! The following are not excuses but merely explanation--

To my dismay last Sunday I got a headache that decided not to leave until wed (which incidentally was the day we had a snow storm/ ice storm). It was so crazy that they declared a level 3 snow emergency which means the only vehicles allowed on the road are emergency vehicles. What this in turn did was make it impossible for me to work on Wed (when I actually started feeling better)--

back to what was going on with my headache-- I also had a severely stiff neck and the muscles in my calves were so stiff and tight -- I have no idea why I had these symptoms-- and I can't tell if all of this was due to pushing myself too hard at the gym or something completely unrelated.

Anyway-- because my work decided NOT to pay us for the day that by law we could not go to work-- I had to try and make up some time and could only do so on Thursday and Friday-- which basically meant I didn't get home until about 9pm on both days-- too late to go to the gym.

BUT-- I DID go to the gym today. Something else that happened this week aside from not working out-- was NOT watching what I ate that closely-- I still ate pretty well but I actually had a hamburger and frosty from Wendy's one day-- and some chicken strips and a coke on another day. --- it's been interesting to me that my weight has not fluctuated at all from 256 over the this past week-- I did have a minor scare on Wed night when I decided to weigh myself before bed-- 261-- WHAT that's 5lbs (remember what I said about knowing my body)-- by the AM when I weighed myself again I was back down to 256-- who knows how or why this happens-- but rest assured I'm back at it this week!

Here are some photos of the ice storm-- hope you enjoy!

I WANT CUPCAKES! 256

The Spread - 256

I hit the gym last night-- same old workout but actually did some weights-- today I fell asleep and slept past the time the gym was open (7pm) so I'm going to either have to fight the possessed treadmill in the basement or walk up and down the stairs-- or something to get in some exercise yet tonight (I'll let you know tomorrow how that works out)

Anyway I did want to share with you my grocery shopping experience today! I was so excited about all of these nutritional finds/ choices I made--- I also want to share my own *special* recipe on how to make tuna salad (what I had for lunch today).

Here's a pictures of the spread-- this is literally everything I bought-- (well sans 24 rolls of tp)
HOLD UP LET ME CALL A TIME OUT TO TALK ABOUT THIS!!Has anyone ever thought about how undignified it feels to buy toilet paper--- you always have to buy at least 6 rolls-- sometimes 12 or 24-- of course the double roll kind-- today I bought the 24 rolls because I absolutely hate buying tp. 24 rolls though-- man you have to lug that into the house all by itself-- freaking huge. Especially when you're a single gal--it's like announcing to the world "hey I spend a lot of time in the bathroom". *stepping off soap box*

So here is a list of what I bought
*tuna* *propel (I like to buy the 1 liter in mixed berry flavor--- I always drink one of these at work-- and the best part is at Walmart the 1 liter sells for $1.00)*
*cherries, blueberries, green grapes* *baby spinach and Caesar salad mix* *fat free italian dressing* *light balsamic dressing* *guacamole* *tostitos chips* *pico de gallo* *greek salad mix (basically feta, onions and tomatoes)* *eggs**acai and pomegrante juice* *cottage cheese**skinny cow icecream cones (only 150 calories)**go lean cereal* *just bunches cereal* *35 calorie whole wheat bread*--- all of this came to a grand total of $71.00 ouch-- but I have to say I'm very happy with all of my choices-- (although mildly disappointed with the tostitos-- I'm having problems controlling myself to eat those in moderation)

I should mention that before I talked about using Bistro MD as my meal plan-- but I haven't really used that since about Thanksgiving-- it's making choices like those I made today--- and choosing smaller portions -- or alternatives which has really helped me succeed.

Now on to the TUNA SALAD. Incidentally for lunch @ work I've basically been buying just tuna salad for lunch (no bread)-- the tuna salad they make is awesome with cut up little red onions and celery-- very little mayo and lots of good spices-- I just fill up on that and fruit for lunches. I decided this weekend to make my own tuna salad which has had rave reviews by some friends. I want to share it with you!
The ingredients-- light miracle whip, tuna, dill pickles, guacamole, two slices of 35 calorie whole wheat bread, dill weed, seasoned salt, paprika and onion powder-- typically I also like a slice of lettuce and tomato to accompany this sandwich but the tomatoes didn't look great @ the store-- so I made due with a side of pico.

Ok so it's pretty self explanatory-- I do everything to taste--but one secret I will tell you is that you should take a tablespoon of pickle juice (yes the dill pickle juice) and add it to the tuna salad mixture-- (this is a secret from my Grandma)

I was a little disappointed with my salad today-- it's been a while since I made mine with miracle whip (sometimes I just go without it all together and add in all the spices to the tuna)-- basically I put in too much miracle whip and had to add another can of tuna-- but it still wasn't the best tuna salad I've ever made.

ANYWAY-- moving on-- I toasted the bread and slapped on some guacamole on one side-- tuna salad on the other and some pickles to the top. I want to let you know that I know guacamole isn't the BEST food -- but it does have a lot of *good fat* in it-- and this particular guacamole is 50 calories for 2 tbs and 1 gram of fat per 2 tbs-- so in perspective it's not that bad.

So here is the final product. I did add some grape tomatoes and pico on the side (but didn't take a photo). If you try it let me know what you think!!!! If I wasn't really watching what I eat I'd probably add a slice of provolone to this sandwich and call it a day!Incidentally did you notice I'm down to 256 today (yesterday I was thinking while working out-- tomorrow I'm going to weight 255-- well I didnt' get what I was hoping for but I'll still take it :o))

Cutting out the Fat and the Cancer --258

Today I continued on my 90 in 09 quest and hit the gym up for 35 minutes on the treadmill. I burned a total of 375 calories.

What I really want to tell you about is how I've decided to cut out the fat and cancer. What do I mean by that-- well I'm cutting out my fat-- I'm getting rid of the things I don't need--

When you have cancer (unless it's beyond help-- terminal) the doctors go in to cut it out. If they can't cut it out they kill your immune system to get rid of it. So that's exactly what I decided to do last night-- cut out the cancer. It's painful yes-- but I decided to completely let go of that guy-- I deleted him as a friend on myspace-- he was causing me so much anguish over telling me all of these wonderful things and then outright rejecting me for the way I looked. -- all this in turn has done is make me angry and sad at the same time-- it's been distracting and killing me softly-- so I decided to cut him out-- kill the cancer that was killing my focus-- that was killing my self esteem.

Now for the healing process-- I deserve better-- I'm more than a sparkling personality-- so much more and I don't need a cancer that makes me think or feel otherwise.

The Possesed Treadmill 258

In the deep recesses of my basement stands a treadmill that is folded up-- a nordictrack solaris to be exact. It's been sitting in my basement for about 10 months-- it was placed there by my parents. I know they had issues with it so I assumed it was DOA. When I was talking to my Mom the other night about the hours of the YMCA and how particularly on the weekend it's hard to get to the gym in the allotted hours. She mentioned to me that I should use the treadmill in the basement after inquisition she revealed the treadmill indeed worked.

Well I know myself pretty well and I know if I don't actually go to the gym I don't push myself as hard. Under the circumstances-- between being sick and my utter distrust of my tivo actually recording all 3 hours of the LOST premiere I decided to "take one for the team" and swipe the cobwebs off the solaris.

It was more difficult than I thought to even pull the machine into a place where I could drop the bed down (the wheels on the machine are in an awkward place that render them virtually useless). Once I got the treadmill into a spot where I could drop the bed, I realized that the cord was only about 4 feet long (why do all treadmill companies feel that the front of your machine should only be 4 feet from the wall?)-- anyway that's a gripe in and of itself. My point is I then I had to search for an extension cord-- which I didn't have. --- My brain started working and I figured out that I actually had a power cord strip that was just long enough to bridge the divide between the socket and the minx tail of a power cord. I plugged her in and SUCCESS I saw the light on the power cord light up (I wasn't entirely confident that the socket I plugged it into actually had power). I hopped on the treadmill with so much enthusiasm only to be perplexed as to why nothing on the machine was lighting up! I remember there was a "reset" button on the actual treadmill so I flipped that on and off-- still nothing--- then I see a "key" emblem adorning an indentation that was reminiscent of a half dollar-- what kind of key would go in there? I saw then that there was a strap wrapped around the side of the grip bar with a circular adaptation (which magnetically attaches to the indentation)... POWERED UP and ready to go now!

I jumped on the treadmill again and messed with the speed-- up to 3.8mph @ 6% inclination. As I'm getting comfortable about 3 minutes in (and finding the built in fan) I noticed that all of the sudden the belt was moving slower and slower to a stop! WHAT? I proceeded to walk and actually move the belt myself which somehow triggered the machine to boost into warp speed 5 mph-- so I was faced with running or falling off-- in a split second decision I found myself running-- then the machine readjusted to about 4 mph and stayed there--- until 30 seconds later it powered down again to nothing. I thought "damn it-- the one time I try and work out at home and this happens" I went through these cycles of nothing to warp 10 s and settling every minute or so until I hit 10 minutes. I considered giving up all together but I remembered my commitment for the 90 in 09 and decided running or not I would have to stick it out for at least 20 minutes.

Once I was about 10 minutes into the work out the belt stopped moving all together again-- and never decided to pick back up. I figured that I was probably getting more of a work out making that belt move with my leg power than with a machine that pulls the belt-- I hit 19 minutes (1 minute before I was going to throw in the towel) and the belt started turning @ 6 miles an hour-- I decided this must have been Divine intervention and that I would just stick with it and RUN (not taking the mph down at all)-- now I've mentioned before that I'm horrible at running-- I'm just not built for it being drastically uncoordinated-- being flat footed and knock kneed-- but I figured-- heck it's only going to work for another 30 seconds or so-- wouldn't you know that thing kept going for about 4 minutes when I decided I couldn't stand to run anymore or I would pass out. I bumped the mph back down to 4mph and the belt gave way again-- I decided to throw in the towel at that point which was 23 minutes.

That being said I think I'll just stick to going to the gym. Too much drama getting in the way of my work out-- even though it is kinda funny-- the last thing I need is a possessed treadmill.

I then went upstairs and watched LOST holy cow I love that show! Is anyone else here a LOST fan?

Third Time's a Charm --257

Yesterday I stuck with the idea of kicking it into high gear at the gym-- I walked for an hour and burned about 650 calories! When I got home though I started feeling really sick-- stuffy nose sick (like what I just got over about 3 or 4 days ago-- only this time much worse)

I had trouble sleeping last night-- and woke up a few times during the night. Both times I woke up with my mouth wide open and everything inside (including my esophagus) completely bone dry-- and it wasn't just bone dry it was the kind of (pardon my honesty) phlegm covered then dried out scenario.

I can't help but wonder why (since I've been working out) I've managed to be sick 3 times. The first illness came on like the flu right before Thanksgiving -- but ended up being a deep cough that lasted about 3 weeks-- I would cough so much and so hard that I would throw up-- BAD

Two weeks ago I got the common cold that hung on for a week and a half--- then last night this came on-- I can't help but wonder if this is somehow related to working out-- like maybe I'm pushing myself too hard-- or not getting enough of a certain vitamin or nutrient? Regardless I'm tired of being sick!

In spite of feeling sick I still went to the gym... I took it easy on the treadmill slower pace-- low inclination and only 35 minutes. I'm going to genuinely try and make this through-- keep with my 90 in 09 challenge and do at least 20 -30 minutes of exercise a day.

Let me share with you what I have been doing on the treadmill. I keep my pace at a steady 4mph. For the first 10 minutes I walk with no inclination. Once I hit 10 minutes in I increase the inclination to 1. Once I hit 15 minutes in I increase to 2-- 20 minutes in 2.5-- 25 minutes in 3-- 24 minutes in 3.5 inclination -- 26 minutes in 4.0-- 27 minutes in 4.5 -- 28 minutes in 5.0-- 29 minutes in 5.5-- 29.5 minutes in 6 inclination-- then from the 30-35 minute there is a cool down-- so the machine basically drops to 0 inclination and a speed of 3.2 mph to bring down my heart rate. I found this is a great progressive work out and I think I will continue on with for a while.

PS did you notice my weight went down again-- new low of 257!

90 in 09 Challenge- 259.5

I've been listening to my favorite radio station, KLOVE and kept hearing about Big Daddy Weave's goal to lose 90lb in 09. He's been documenting his journey of weight loss online and you can join him in the challenge. Basically the challenge consists of 3 daily commitments.

1) Nutrition: Recognizing that the purpose of foods I eat is to provide my body with the fuel it needs, I commit to make choices that are nutritious and appropriate in portion size.

2) Exercise: Realizing the positive impact that exercise has on my overall well being, I will spend a total of 20 - 30 minutes each day engaged in physical activity.

3)Worship: Believing that true overall health encompasses spiritual growth which comes from spending time with God, I choose to set aside time each day to be solely devoted to Him.

While admit that this is going to be challenging (especially #2) I have committed to joining in the challenge! If you too would like to join simply visit the website and sign up! They will be sending out weekly support info and the website is updated almost daily with the progress of Mike Weaver. They promise to provide helpful tips along the way as well! It seems like a simple challenge but there is a lot of commitment involved!

Today I went to the gym and really woke myself up about how half- assed my workouts have been as of late-- so I ended up on the treadmill for 70 minutes burning 630 calories and also did some weights on my thighs--- I need to start kicking it into high gear. I'm now more than ever considering hiring a personal trainer-- it just makes me nervous I guess. I mean I've already been able to loose quite a bit on my own... but I think the added support and techniques will probably help me to arrive at my goal much sooner.

Some New Pictures!

ok so today I was waiting for my prescription in the store and walked down the isle with all the mirrors-- seeing as my last pictures were a little blurry I thought I'd try and take a picture with my iphone-- much better result!

I also went shopping *for clothes that fit a little better* and took the liberty of doing the same in the changing room-- lol kinda lame I know.. but I hope you enjoy the pictures-- and if you see a difference PLEASE TELL ME!-- note to self-- next time I should try and look nice-- I was concentrating so hard on not being blurry I look mean! :o) I'm not I promise!

BTW after I went shopping I went to work out! Wahoo!

Where I've Been - 259

I was able to gain access of a couple of pictures from my friend Sarah's wedding (when I was @ 281.5). The dress may not have been the most flattering but you can definitely see the top portion is super form fitting---- it allows you to see a little of where I've been.

I went to the gym last night and plan on hitting it again today. Yesterday I did the treadmill 35 minutes-- and I bumped up the weights I do on my inner and outer thighs to 130lbs-- I'm feeling that in my left inner thigh today-- I've been reluctant to bump up the weight because I don't want to look like a body builder when all is said and done-- my main objective is to tone and get the fat off.

Forward Forward Always Forward-- 258.5

“Forward, forward always forward.
Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.”

These are the words of General Patton. Ironically I heard them on the radio yesterday on my way home-- these words have stayed with me since I heard them-- and I need to share what I've been through.

Yesterday was awful. I got off work late with every intention of going to the gym. As I started driving home I came up with every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn't go to the gym. I could name the excuses but what it really boiled down to is that I didn't want to go. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you-- I simply didn't want to. (and yes my desire to go-- and then not go did change that quickly)

What you don't know is that my ex-fiance and I have been in communication over the past two days via email and text. All of these feelings came boiling to the surface and what I really wanted to do was run back to him-- but I know right now that is the wrong thing.

What then ensued was a long list of emotions. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt ...self pity. I felt fat. I felt ugly. I felt like nothing mattered. I didn't care about working out-- I thought about giving up.

On my way home I stopped by Q'doba (for those of you who aren't familiar it's basically Chipotle). I ordered the vegetarian burrito (rice, black beans, cheese, guacamole, sour cream, and pico) I knew this was a bad choice-- but I didn't care. I took it home-- I drank a sprite (which I never drink soda)-- it's one that was left over from when the other guy was in town. I ate the whole burrito-- then I had a "skinny cow" ice cream.

Then I sat there and felt guilty--

I was mad at guy two for rejecting me for being FAT. I was mad at myself for how I let myself go. I was mad that I didn't go to the gym that night. I was mad that I didn't control my emotions and allowed all that food to overfill my empty stomach which in turn did nothing to fill the void I was feeling. I then was sad. I upset that I would even consider running right from one guy back to the other-- and never allowing myself to grieve. The whole thing was a mess. I was a mess.

Then I remembered the quote I had heard on the radio on the way home... “Forward, forward always forward. Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.” It did mean something to me-- and I'm not just saying that. I've gone through a lot these past few months-- a lot of hurt and rejections on more than one level. Yet I look at what I've accomplished so far. I can't just give up on myself-- I can't let these emotions get in the way of my goals-- I especially can't let the food get in the way.

This morning I woke up to an email from my ex-fiance saying he can't do it-- he can't be "friends" it's causing too much turmoil-- and I guess to a certain extent I agreed. We both need to focus-- we both need to grow---

As much as I wanted to go the gym when I got off work today-- I just really didn't want to again. But with a day like yesterday and the tremendous amount of guilt I had-- I decided yesterday I had to commit to going for the rest of the week. So when I got home I went to the gym. I got on that treadclimber again (the second trial run of it) and I hit it hard with weights. When I was finished working out (which incidentally only was about 40 minutes) I couldn't believe how AWESOME I felt-- my body thanked me for working out-- I haven't felt that good after working out in a long while (probably more than a year). It wasn't that emotionally I felt better-- it was just the way my body felt. I knew then that I was doing the right thing. I've been doing the right thing. I just have to keep moving forward---- always.

It's been a tough couple of days-- I'm not going to lie-- but I'm making it through.
“Forward, forward always forward. Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.”

Back at it --259

Ok-- so I'm up to 259 today-- but I'm not stressed-- my floor is now 257.5-- what I mean by that is that I'm not an expert by any means on weight loss or fitness etc-- but keeping track of my weight on a daily basis has given me some insight on when to worry and when not to worry. I know my body-- what I know is that I hit an all time low number and my weight pops up-- it's like a ball hitting the floor and bouncing. I know my weight on a daily basis will fluctuate up to 5 lbs from that floor-- and it's normally a steady climb over a couple days before I will see the floor again. The ball normally bounces twice before it drops lower. Everyone's different and that's why I encourage you to decode your own body and weight loss.

I'm feeling MUCH better today (I can actually breathe through my nose now!!!) So after work and going to the store I hit up the gym... since I'm still under the weather and have been away from exercising for a few days I decided to take it slow--- treadmill for 35 minutes-- I only inclined during the last 10 minutes and kept a pace of about 3.8-- I didn't do any weights afterward. -- I imagine I will be feeling even better tomorrow and hit it harder at the gym then!

In the mean time I need some advice-- I'm having an issue dropping weight on my lower stomach ( this is partially do to limitations I have in exercising because I have herniated discs on both L4 and L5 that really prevents me from doing anything laying on my back ie sit ups or circles with my legs etc that target lower abs) . I also am wanting to try and target my back fat-- I'm not even sure if there is an exercise for that?

I've been seriously considering hiring a personal trainer just for the purpose of showing me how to target those areas without hurting myself-- but money is tight and so is my time-- any tips are much appreciated!!!

Say WHAT? 257.5

This morning I got up for work and took a look at myself in the mirror (as I do every morning) today I thought "wow I look thinner than I did yesterday! "Like I do every morning I hopped on the scale-- what then ensued can only be best described as a joyfully spontaneous rendition of the beloved limbo song "HOW LOW CAN SHE GO?!?!" -- now that's enthusiasm.. 257.5

In my enthusiasm I also decided to take my measurements-- 44 bust (that changed since deflation station +1) 38 waist (that's down 1) and 50 hip (that's down one too!)

Just an update-- still feeling under the weather today-- I'm hoping I'll feel well enough tomorrow to head back to the gym!

The Sickening Reality --259

So the good news? I'm 259 today--- so I know that I really did bust through my plateau-- down 4 lbs in 2 days-- all the more reason to continue to weigh myself daily! The bad news is this cold has come on even stronger-- I'm feeling dizzy sitting/ standing -- I keep coughing-- my nose wont stop running-- I keep sneezing--- and the medicine I'm taking (OTC) is not really making me feel any better-- to top it all off I just ran out of kleenexs and should probably go to the store but don't feel like mustering up the energy to do so-- needless to say this is another non- gym day-- and that really bums me out-- if this wasn't my second week back at work I would probably call off work tomorrow-- but seeing as it is my second week of work--- I know it looks bad to call off--so I'm just going to have to find a way to make it through :o( -- curse you rhinovirus and your little germs too!

A Confession--- 260.5

So here's my confession ready for this? One of my best friends, Kai has her 31st B-day on Monday-- so to celebrate we decided to go to CHEESECAKE FACTORY! We split an order of taquitos (total of 4 so 2 and 2-- it's an appetizer) and we both had a slice of cheesecake. I actually had the lemon raspberry-- I didn't eat all of it-- and I avoided a majority of the whipped cream. It was a splurge on my part-- but I took it in moderation-- and I don't feel bad about. I was planning on hitting the gym afterward-- but to my dismay found out it closed tonight @ 7 (not 10 like I thought) so no I didn't get a work out in-- and that is very disappointing to me! I guess I'm just going to have to take this day off-- since I'm still sick it might actually be a good thing! -- I honestly and sincerely did want to go!

I also attempted to take some "progress photos" today-- unfortunately I have incredibly unsteady hands and the lighting was not the best-- so please tolerate the blurriness of the photos-- they were the best of the 30 I took! They are clear enough for you to get the idea....

Did anyone notice that I dropped from 263 to 260.5 in a day? -- that means overall I'm down 28.5 lbs from my heaviest -- and 21 lbs since I really started trying to loose the weight-- this is a victory-- especially after I was plateauing there for a while-- I broke through!

Deflation Station --- 263

Just to let you know I'm feeling incredibly emotionally drained today! I think I've cried more in these past 3 months than I have in the past 10 years (and that's no joke).

Where to start? well---- I started getting sick yesterday-- like super runny nose sick-- it all starts with a sneeze-- then another and another and then full blown sick. I got super frustrated because I thought "great now that I'm getting on track with going to gym -- I'm going to get too sick to go" -- today I fought tooth and nail to keep this cold at bay-- I've been using zicam and popping "tylenol sinus and severe congestion" every four hours. -- I've been drinking fluids-- including OJ for a boost of vitamin C-- and avoiding dairy (cause in case you didn't know-- dairy makes congestion worse).

Regardless I drug myself to the gym... I just did a lower intensity work out but did walk for 35 minutes and do a few weights-- I figured as long as I worked out a little I'd be in better shape than sitting on the couch @ home.

Back to deflation-- I took my measurements this morning bust 43 (wait what? where are my boobs going? I knew this was bound to happen-- and I did think they looked a little deflated this morning-- hence the measurement)-- waist 39 (no change :o() and hips 51 (improved).

To top off my mood today the guy I've been talking about lost his job today-- I found this out from his sister-- and no he hasn't talked to me.. I tried to leave him some encouragement with 3 texts to his phone and a message I left on his myspace page (which he immediately deleted) -- I think I'm just going to delete him as a friend all together-- I'm feeling too emotional about everything-- and part of me feels like he just needs space to work through his issues with his grandmas and with losing his job and another part of me thinks I've just got the message loud and clear.

What I have decided is that I'm just going to sit here being single (although being disatsified about the thought of it)-- I need time to get over these last two guys-- and time to focus on my weight loss goals-- I think I'm getting sick because I'm stressed out about just starting my new job-- the guys-- and my impatience with losing weight-- and forcing myself to the gym every day-- I just need to focus.

At the suggestion of a lot of comments I'm going to try and get some updated pictures up-- I also wanted to share that I used the "virtual me" to see the difference in weight loss from where I'm at today to where I want to be.-- maybe if I get super amitious tomorrow I will get my friend to take pics of me in similar poses so we can compare the "virtual me" to the real me.

Chasing the Babe --264

So I bet you thought since I didn't post yesterday-- I didn't work out-- well if you thought that shame on you-- I DID work out yesterday and today-- in fact I've been working out straight since Sunday-- and I plan to go right on through Sunday. Yesterday I did 35 minutes on the treadmill and an intense lifting regimen-- hitting abs, thighs, back, shoulders, triceps and biceps. Today I hit the treadmill for 50 minutes (I found a machine @ the gym they hadn't manipulated to only allow for a 30 minutes work out) -- ok so I felt a little bit guilty hogging the treadmill for 50 minutes-- but I figured I was up for it and after this week deserved an few extra minutes! -- I also did a few weights (only about 10 minutes worth-- but proud of it nonetheless)-- note to self-- second treadmill from the door is now my perfered machine!

When I was walking for those 50 minutes-- I remembered a conversation I had with my oil painting professor a few years ago. He told me to work out he likes to run-- and how he motivates himself is he imagines himself in his prime-- the best he could ever look-- all muscular and suave--- well his "perfect" self is running in front of him-- and all he has to do is catch up to become that person--- I have to admit I laughed at the thought of this--- chasing myself in unbelievable shape--- the kind of shape that turns even the girls heads--- but I can't help but think how effective that strategy is! I often think (since I've always been overweight) how easy my journey would be if I just knew what I would look like @ 175 lbs-- if I knew what I was working for-- how I'd look-- how I'd feel--- I would be so much motivated since I wouldn't be able to stand the wait! I think at this point it's such a foreign thought I have a hard time picturing myself in it for the long haul-- especially when I start plateauing like I have these past two weeks.

Speaking of plateauing-- I remember when I hit a plateau before for about 3 weeks-- and then over night I lost 12 lbs-- literally overnight I did-- I was so amazed and thought "where did all that weight go while I was sleeping?" Our bodies really are incredible! I find solace in the fact that I know I'm doing all I can -- and since I'm doing all I can -- regardless of what the scale is saying I know it's paying off.

Relentlessly chasing the Babe-- one day at a time.

A Victory-- A Defeat and a Baker's Dozen worth of Excuses 263.5

So-- my second day back at work-- I work 9:30 - 6pm (this is going to be my new schedule)-- We had some bad weather today so getting into work -- and getting home was a challenge. I realized I probably should go to the store to pick up some basic things (but mainly a supply of propel to drink at work)--while in there I saw a package of 4 HUGE triple chocolate chunk cookies on the "oops we baked too much" rack--- I scurried to pick them up and paraded around the store selecting fruit etc... those cookies kept eying me-- and I kept eying them...I kept scolding myself for even picking them up-- but then backing it up with "well you have been working out really hard" -- on my way to the check out-- I just finally challenged myself and said "you don't need those cookies--- you don't even want those cookies-- this will only set you back -- do you want the cookie-- or to loose weight more?" I pulled the cart over to one side grabbed the cookies-- took a good long stare and placed them on the shelf-- to me that was a huge victory!

By the time I got out of there it was 7:30pm -- on the way home I texted the boy I talked about in the first blog (the one that decided he wanted to be single but I still didn't know where we stood)-- I said "I'm not really sure exactly where we stand anymore.,.. but I miss you"---

By the time I got home it was 8-- I was tired and in no mood to go to the gym-- then I started thinking about the cookies and how I put those down.. and how I went to the gym yesterday-- and I kept trying to make an excuse as to why I shouldn't go-- but in reality-- I knew better-- there is absolutely nothing -- NOTHING that should keep me from the gym tonight (aside from the fact I just spend the last 8 hours sitting in a cubical-- all the more reason why I absolutely needed to go).

So I got dressed and hopped in my car-- about 2 minutes from the gym I hear I just got a text message-- I looked down and could see it was a long one-- I knew it was from him and decided--- I just have to get to the gym then I can look .... well once I pulled in I read it "I've been doing some serious thought about my situation-- I think it's best that we stay friends--with everything that's going on" -- well there I was dressed to work out-- sitting in the parking lot of the gym-- not wanting to work out even more -- I texted him back " I felt like you weren't interested when you were in town-- I think we both anticipated things to have gone differently.. I'm not really 100 % sure why that is-- but I think I have a good idea.. we can be friends.. or not be friends... it's up to you" I then stuck my phone in the console-- and went in to work out-- I did 35 minutes on the treadmill and decided to go home without doing weights. I went outside to the car to see if I got a response from him-- and there wasn't one.

I got the "friends" speech from him. I decided that I also have given my body the "friends" speech. We're not going anywhere--there's no romance left... sayonara baby!-- don't get me wrong.. I love myself-- I love me... it's all this padding I hate! I'm conducting an outright civil war-- excuses, emotions, temptations-- I've overcome you today-- one calorie, one day, one pound at a time.

261.5 -- I swallowed my guilt whole.

Thinking back on how I actually gained 56lbs in the past 2 years-- I think it really had a lot to do with the guilt I had surrounding my relationship. I think when you start to bury feelings and thoughts deep down inside--- it starts to grow roots into all aspects of your life. -- it's as if I had a redwood protruding out of my chest-- just so vast and immensely unfathomable to deal with. Once I started swallowing that guilt whole-- it just festered in my gut. I think that's why I'm feeling so liberated discussing things like my weight so openly now --- it's something that's always been there lurking in the shadows-- but there's no need to do that anymore. When you stop fearing the monster under the bed enough to actually lift up the covers and look him in the eye-- you realize you've been fearing an old sneaker and waded up sweater from 1982.

Does anyone else see a similar correlation in their life?

Today was my first day back @ work (after having been laid off for 3 months) -- I'm incredibly sore from yesterday's work out and almost decided not to go the gym tonight. Instead I decided to work through the pain-- I convinced myself to do just 35 minutes on the treadmill--- I walked slower today @ 3.7 mph but with an inclination that I started @ 4.5 and moved up to 6-- it was tough! After that I did convince myself to do some weights as well.. sometimes it's so hard to motivate myself.. but if I tackle it one item at a time-- I can often convince myself to do "just one more" exercise or "just 5 more minutes" -- I think this is a lot like how I have to approach my weight loss-- one calorie-- one day-- one pound at a time.

As a reminder

This is what I looked like @ 281--- it's honestly amazing to me-- these were the pictures that really drove it home for me. I honestly was taken aback by these photos-- I knew what I weighed-- but when I look in the mirror at myself-- I don't see the weight-- not that much weight-- almost as if I have reverse anorexia-- I literally see myself as much smaller than I actually am.--- no more. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

263 - the treadclimber kicked my ass!

Have you seen the commercials for the Treadclimber? They describe that it feels like you're walking in sand-- well I have no idea how to describe how it feels other than awkward and challenging! I tried the treadclimber about a month ago when 4 first arrived @ my gym-- interestingly enough only 1 of the 4 were in working condition when received (not good odds if you're looking to purchase one).

As previously discussed when I hop on the treadmill I always walk at about a pace of 4.2 mph. I started up the treadclimber (which incidentally takes a while to respond to the commands you give it) I kept hitting the speed up control until I hit about 4.2--- all the sudden I almost fell off... (since the machine took so long to respond) I had to keep adjusting the speed down until I was confident I wasn't going to embarrass myself by taking a face plant -- this occurred at about 2.8 mph.

I must admit that I did feel like I was getting a work out-- in fact I've never sweated so much in my entire life. I did have difficulty with the "pedals" mainly because I don't walk evenly--- with one of my legs I take a much shorter stride-- I had to make adjustments for this but once I got that figured out things went more smoothly. The system does monitor your heart rate while on the treadclimber (which mine was incredibly high-- so high in fact it kept telling me "find the right pace-- no need to rush this is twice the work out" --- seeing that flash about 98% of the time while I was working out was distracting). The machine does give a lot of suggestions; "slow down" "take longer strides" " even out your strides" but I found it to be a little too eager to help! At the end of the work out (20 minutes) I had burned much fewer calories than I do on the traditional treadmill-- and with a lot more effort. I haven't gone back to try the treadclimber yet-- but I think it does really do a good job of targeting a lot of muscles you don't normally hit as well.

This is my humble take on the treadclimber.. let me know what you think? It's ok to disagree!

In other news I did just get home from the gym-- all 30 treadmills (and treadclimber) were taken up when I got there-- the air was thick and humid with the stench of sweat in the air-- can't wait for mid February when everyone jumps off the New Years Resolution trek---

my workout consisted of inner and outer thigh abduction machines 120 lbs (while waiting on a machine to open up)-- I snagged a treadmill and walked 35 minutes @ an inclination that maxed out @ 4.5--- after which I did the ab machine @ 95lbs the triceps @ 50lbs and this other exercise that targets your back and your gut @ 120lbs. Then for good measure I hopped back on the treadmill and got another 20 minutes in--- from the treadmill standpoint I burned 550 calories-- all in all a pretty decent work out-- I'm already a little sore on my outer thighs (definitely feeling that more tomorrow) -- love knowing I "did some work son".

What's in a Number? --261.5

Well-- what exactly is in a number anyway-- well I'm going to tell you! Each blog title is going to be my weight the day I blog-- this helps keep me accountable!-- I've been slowly tracking my weight and keeping record. I think this is a good thing to do to help track progress and keep yourself motivated-- plus you can always see how different things effect your weight and actively progress your situation.

Now I know EVERYONE says do not weigh yourself... or only weigh yourself once a week-- I weigh myself pretty much every day. Why do I do this? Well I think it's important. Think about it -- if your bladder is full or you're retaining water (as women especially tend to do) and you only weigh yourself once a week--- it may appear that you have gained 5 pounds in the past week-- that only puts you in a downward spiral-- this is why I choose to weigh myself pretty much every day-- I can account for fluctuation and really keep track of where I'm at. Another thing I do is I always weigh myself when I get up in the morning (after I've gone to the bathroom and before I've ate or drank anything) this ensures that I have a constant of time-- my stomach is empty--so I don't have to worry about how much the food or water I just drank weighed (yes I am that anal).

So let me share some numbers with you!

11/14 269
11/15 267
11/16 268.5
11/17 269.5
11/18 269
11/19 269
11/20 267.5
11/21 267
11/22 265.5
11/30 266
12/01 267
12/02 265.5
12/03 266
12/06 264
12/20 263.5
12/28 261.5

On 10/13 my measurements were: bust 48 natural waist 43 and hips 54 weight 289
On 1/03 my measurements are: bust 45 natural waist 39 and hips 52 weight 261.5

Boy typing this is making me think twice about sharing---

So what have I been doing to lose weight?

When I hit the gym I go to the treadmill--- I'm not built for running so I just walk fast-- about 4.2 mph --- I do one of two things-- I either walk for a half hour (with 5 minute cool down)-- which typically burns about 350 calories (more depending on how much I mess with the inclination) --and then I'll lift weights for about a half hour after that-- focusing on my thighs, abs, triceps and biceps --- or I will walk for about 70 minutes (that is two 30 minute sessions with 2 five minute cool downs) On the second session I normally drop my pace to keep my heart rate up but not burn myself out--- I should mention my first session is much more intense where every 3 - 5 minutes I will increase the inclination and sometimes adjust the speed up-- I want to really hit it for the first 35---

Naturally our bodies don't go into fat burning mode until after you've been working out for at least 20 minutes-- so logically speaking keeping your heart rate up for at least an hour (whether by more walking or weights) is what allows me to get the max out of my work out.

Food wise I've been eating BistroMD-- which has been quite a challenge-- considering it is gourmet food but EVERY meal consists of a meat and two vegetables--- since I've never been a hardy meat eater-- it's difficult to have it EVERY day-- I find myself missing pastas and especially salads.

When I lost 30 lbs before I did use nutrisystem-- but I have to warn you the food is not nearly as good and when I ended up doing was ordering items ala cart to get the items I liked--- I really enjoyed the chicken cacciatori for lunch-- my biggest suggestion with nutrisystem is to avoid anything that is primarily meat-- because a lot of times it looks or smells like cat food (sometimes even tastes like it)--- the muffins they had made me throw up because they were so dry--- so when I ordered my food I stuck to lunch and dinner items then had fruit for breakfast-- or a cup of a cereal like "honey nut clusters"--- one thing I highly recommend from nutrisystem is the chocolates--- those were the best snack and really the only snack I ever ordered.

I'm not really a fan of any sort of diet pills-- it always comes out years later that it causes birth defects or cancer or liver or kidney failure--- I have recently invested in some "women's health" pills from GNC-- that claims to help digest the fat-- and I have noticed that it does help with the weight loss. I have considered maybe trying that acai pills-- but as afore mentioned I'm not a big fan of diet pills or fads-- it's always safest to do things the natural and right way.

281

281. What exactly does that mean any way? Well it basically is the bane of my existence. See about 3 months ago I feel off the proverbial bandwagon of denial. After losing my job, my fiance, the house I was going to buy and what little hope I had left--- I stepped on the scale for the first time in about a month. -- My mother had kept bugging me about my weight on her last trip in when I was still employed and engaged. She expressed concern about the weight I had gained while being with my fiance (who had also gained a significant amount of weight). My diet then became half of a boiled chicken breast with a sprig of broccoli-- She was the chef when she was in and was determined to "fix" my problem.

While she was in I had stepped on the scale and tipped the scale at super line backer status of 289-- 289! What a shock! My fiance had previously told me he was up to about 312 and had been working on dropping some pounds. My weight of course was always a secret-- well at least the exact numbers.

Unbelievable. Not only was I concerned about how close I was to actually surpassing his weight but also being so close to 300lbs. Now I'm a tall girl -- 5'10" and I've been told I'm well proportioned but at what point does that remain true? @ 289 I was squeezing into a size 22 pant and 18/20 shirt. As long as I can remember I've been over weight and remember even in 6th grade being a size 18/20 pant and 14/16 shirt. -- I remember being 172 lbs at the ripe old age of 10 but don't remember when I got into the 200s and never looked back.

My weight never yo-yoed much until I hit college. I remember being over 200lbs then and after transferring to Purdue (3 years into college) being in shock that I weight 254 lbs. I then decided to do something about it and that summer dropped 30 lbs. I wore my weight like badge weighing in then @ 224. Throughout the last couple of years of college I did gain some back but had to have my tonsils taken out--- where I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks from being in too much agony to swallow drinks let alone food-- back to 224.

So where does 281 come in? Well--- 281 is where I got disgusted with my life in general. 281.5 to be exact. Everything in my life had been severed and all that was left was me and God. Mind you before my two year relationship with my fiance I weighed in around 225.--- that's basically 56lbs in two years--- or a little more than half a pound a week.. half a pound doesn't seem like much until it compounds. -- you really want to get to the nitty gritty--- we're talking about an extra 400 calories / day I was gaining. I was always bad at calculus but I think if you broke it down it would look like this

W= S + (L x .05)
where W= my resulting weight S = the starting weight and L= the length of time in weeks -- if we solved this equation it would = Fat -- like I said before I never liked or succeeded at calculus.

What's the good news in all of this? The good news is that since I didn't have a job I focused on my body as my job. I started working out-- my Mom chipped in to buy BistroMD to help me lose weight. I had extra motiviation because a guy who I had met on the internet 3 years prior found out I was no longer engaged and finally wanted to meet me in person-- meet me in person WHAT?!? So I basically filled him in on the fact I had gained 30 lbs during my relationship with my ex-fiance (30 lbs is what I honestly thought until I actually took the time to think about it) I kept him up to date on my weight loss progress-- what I was doing to work out and how much I had lost so far. My goal was to have dropped 40 lbs in 2.5 months before meeting him. In actuality despite my long treks to the gym and strict diet restrictions-- I was out of town a lot for the holidays and ended up getting really sick for about 2 weeks which put a halt on my weight loss plans. At Thanksgiving I had dropped to 264-- that's 17.5 lbs. I started taking some vitamin supplements from GNC and I did see a bit of an acceleration-- I had this in the bag!

The day of his arrival in town 12/28 I weighed myself--- 261.5-- exactly 20 lbs down. Although he had seen several pictures of me I couldn't help but feel my weight was going to be an issue. He had confessed to me on several occasions over the phone that he would "marry me tomorrow if I'd let him" -- I wanted to believe that... I really did-- but my normally confident self had doubts. -- He left on the 1st after 2 New Years Eve kisses-- and one hand holding. He told me he was all ready to ask me to be his girlfriend before he came in but some health issues had occured with his Grandma (while he was in visiting) and he just felt like he needed to help her (and his other Grandma) and be single for now-- but that there was nothing wrong with me. Now... lets be honest.. there was a lot that changed in his demenor-- maybe he's being honest about just wanting to be single-- maybe it's just an excuse as to why things are different. Time will tell I suppose.

So where does this leave me? This leaves me feeling disgusted with myself-- my heart has been shattered twice in the last 3 months-- This leaves me feeling angry that I have allowed myself to balloon to this weight. It makes me feel like if only I was thinner-- I would be married now with kids... something I want more than anything else in this world. I'm 27 and not getting any younger. I'm tired--- absolutely tired of feeling inadequette. I'm tired of hearing "you have such a pretty face" -- I'm tired of not being able to shop at whatever store I want to -- and most of all I'm tired of hiding my numbers. 261.5 -- there it is folks.

This blog is going to be the story of my liberation-- and the tribulations that come along the way. What is my ultimate goal? To be more satisified with the way I look. I would love to break into the 100's-- that would be my ultimate goal! It just seems so ominous--- I will be updating with what I'm doing to lose weight--those three dreaded numbers-- along with how (if) my life changes because of it.