281

281. What exactly does that mean any way? Well it basically is the bane of my existence. See about 3 months ago I feel off the proverbial bandwagon of denial. After losing my job, my fiance, the house I was going to buy and what little hope I had left--- I stepped on the scale for the first time in about a month. -- My mother had kept bugging me about my weight on her last trip in when I was still employed and engaged. She expressed concern about the weight I had gained while being with my fiance (who had also gained a significant amount of weight). My diet then became half of a boiled chicken breast with a sprig of broccoli-- She was the chef when she was in and was determined to "fix" my problem.

While she was in I had stepped on the scale and tipped the scale at super line backer status of 289-- 289! What a shock! My fiance had previously told me he was up to about 312 and had been working on dropping some pounds. My weight of course was always a secret-- well at least the exact numbers.

Unbelievable. Not only was I concerned about how close I was to actually surpassing his weight but also being so close to 300lbs. Now I'm a tall girl -- 5'10" and I've been told I'm well proportioned but at what point does that remain true? @ 289 I was squeezing into a size 22 pant and 18/20 shirt. As long as I can remember I've been over weight and remember even in 6th grade being a size 18/20 pant and 14/16 shirt. -- I remember being 172 lbs at the ripe old age of 10 but don't remember when I got into the 200s and never looked back.

My weight never yo-yoed much until I hit college. I remember being over 200lbs then and after transferring to Purdue (3 years into college) being in shock that I weight 254 lbs. I then decided to do something about it and that summer dropped 30 lbs. I wore my weight like badge weighing in then @ 224. Throughout the last couple of years of college I did gain some back but had to have my tonsils taken out--- where I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks from being in too much agony to swallow drinks let alone food-- back to 224.

So where does 281 come in? Well--- 281 is where I got disgusted with my life in general. 281.5 to be exact. Everything in my life had been severed and all that was left was me and God. Mind you before my two year relationship with my fiance I weighed in around 225.--- that's basically 56lbs in two years--- or a little more than half a pound a week.. half a pound doesn't seem like much until it compounds. -- you really want to get to the nitty gritty--- we're talking about an extra 400 calories / day I was gaining. I was always bad at calculus but I think if you broke it down it would look like this

W= S + (L x .05)
where W= my resulting weight S = the starting weight and L= the length of time in weeks -- if we solved this equation it would = Fat -- like I said before I never liked or succeeded at calculus.

What's the good news in all of this? The good news is that since I didn't have a job I focused on my body as my job. I started working out-- my Mom chipped in to buy BistroMD to help me lose weight. I had extra motiviation because a guy who I had met on the internet 3 years prior found out I was no longer engaged and finally wanted to meet me in person-- meet me in person WHAT?!? So I basically filled him in on the fact I had gained 30 lbs during my relationship with my ex-fiance (30 lbs is what I honestly thought until I actually took the time to think about it) I kept him up to date on my weight loss progress-- what I was doing to work out and how much I had lost so far. My goal was to have dropped 40 lbs in 2.5 months before meeting him. In actuality despite my long treks to the gym and strict diet restrictions-- I was out of town a lot for the holidays and ended up getting really sick for about 2 weeks which put a halt on my weight loss plans. At Thanksgiving I had dropped to 264-- that's 17.5 lbs. I started taking some vitamin supplements from GNC and I did see a bit of an acceleration-- I had this in the bag!

The day of his arrival in town 12/28 I weighed myself--- 261.5-- exactly 20 lbs down. Although he had seen several pictures of me I couldn't help but feel my weight was going to be an issue. He had confessed to me on several occasions over the phone that he would "marry me tomorrow if I'd let him" -- I wanted to believe that... I really did-- but my normally confident self had doubts. -- He left on the 1st after 2 New Years Eve kisses-- and one hand holding. He told me he was all ready to ask me to be his girlfriend before he came in but some health issues had occured with his Grandma (while he was in visiting) and he just felt like he needed to help her (and his other Grandma) and be single for now-- but that there was nothing wrong with me. Now... lets be honest.. there was a lot that changed in his demenor-- maybe he's being honest about just wanting to be single-- maybe it's just an excuse as to why things are different. Time will tell I suppose.

So where does this leave me? This leaves me feeling disgusted with myself-- my heart has been shattered twice in the last 3 months-- This leaves me feeling angry that I have allowed myself to balloon to this weight. It makes me feel like if only I was thinner-- I would be married now with kids... something I want more than anything else in this world. I'm 27 and not getting any younger. I'm tired--- absolutely tired of feeling inadequette. I'm tired of hearing "you have such a pretty face" -- I'm tired of not being able to shop at whatever store I want to -- and most of all I'm tired of hiding my numbers. 261.5 -- there it is folks.

This blog is going to be the story of my liberation-- and the tribulations that come along the way. What is my ultimate goal? To be more satisified with the way I look. I would love to break into the 100's-- that would be my ultimate goal! It just seems so ominous--- I will be updating with what I'm doing to lose weight--those three dreaded numbers-- along with how (if) my life changes because of it.