Forward Forward Always Forward-- 258.5

“Forward, forward always forward.
Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.”

These are the words of General Patton. Ironically I heard them on the radio yesterday on my way home-- these words have stayed with me since I heard them-- and I need to share what I've been through.

Yesterday was awful. I got off work late with every intention of going to the gym. As I started driving home I came up with every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn't go to the gym. I could name the excuses but what it really boiled down to is that I didn't want to go. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you-- I simply didn't want to. (and yes my desire to go-- and then not go did change that quickly)

What you don't know is that my ex-fiance and I have been in communication over the past two days via email and text. All of these feelings came boiling to the surface and what I really wanted to do was run back to him-- but I know right now that is the wrong thing.

What then ensued was a long list of emotions. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt ...self pity. I felt fat. I felt ugly. I felt like nothing mattered. I didn't care about working out-- I thought about giving up.

On my way home I stopped by Q'doba (for those of you who aren't familiar it's basically Chipotle). I ordered the vegetarian burrito (rice, black beans, cheese, guacamole, sour cream, and pico) I knew this was a bad choice-- but I didn't care. I took it home-- I drank a sprite (which I never drink soda)-- it's one that was left over from when the other guy was in town. I ate the whole burrito-- then I had a "skinny cow" ice cream.

Then I sat there and felt guilty--

I was mad at guy two for rejecting me for being FAT. I was mad at myself for how I let myself go. I was mad that I didn't go to the gym that night. I was mad that I didn't control my emotions and allowed all that food to overfill my empty stomach which in turn did nothing to fill the void I was feeling. I then was sad. I upset that I would even consider running right from one guy back to the other-- and never allowing myself to grieve. The whole thing was a mess. I was a mess.

Then I remembered the quote I had heard on the radio on the way home... “Forward, forward always forward. Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.” It did mean something to me-- and I'm not just saying that. I've gone through a lot these past few months-- a lot of hurt and rejections on more than one level. Yet I look at what I've accomplished so far. I can't just give up on myself-- I can't let these emotions get in the way of my goals-- I especially can't let the food get in the way.

This morning I woke up to an email from my ex-fiance saying he can't do it-- he can't be "friends" it's causing too much turmoil-- and I guess to a certain extent I agreed. We both need to focus-- we both need to grow---

As much as I wanted to go the gym when I got off work today-- I just really didn't want to again. But with a day like yesterday and the tremendous amount of guilt I had-- I decided yesterday I had to commit to going for the rest of the week. So when I got home I went to the gym. I got on that treadclimber again (the second trial run of it) and I hit it hard with weights. When I was finished working out (which incidentally only was about 40 minutes) I couldn't believe how AWESOME I felt-- my body thanked me for working out-- I haven't felt that good after working out in a long while (probably more than a year). It wasn't that emotionally I felt better-- it was just the way my body felt. I knew then that I was doing the right thing. I've been doing the right thing. I just have to keep moving forward---- always.

It's been a tough couple of days-- I'm not going to lie-- but I'm making it through.
“Forward, forward always forward. Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.”

A Victory-- A Defeat and a Baker's Dozen worth of Excuses 263.5

So-- my second day back at work-- I work 9:30 - 6pm (this is going to be my new schedule)-- We had some bad weather today so getting into work -- and getting home was a challenge. I realized I probably should go to the store to pick up some basic things (but mainly a supply of propel to drink at work)--while in there I saw a package of 4 HUGE triple chocolate chunk cookies on the "oops we baked too much" rack--- I scurried to pick them up and paraded around the store selecting fruit etc... those cookies kept eying me-- and I kept eying them...I kept scolding myself for even picking them up-- but then backing it up with "well you have been working out really hard" -- on my way to the check out-- I just finally challenged myself and said "you don't need those cookies--- you don't even want those cookies-- this will only set you back -- do you want the cookie-- or to loose weight more?" I pulled the cart over to one side grabbed the cookies-- took a good long stare and placed them on the shelf-- to me that was a huge victory!

By the time I got out of there it was 7:30pm -- on the way home I texted the boy I talked about in the first blog (the one that decided he wanted to be single but I still didn't know where we stood)-- I said "I'm not really sure exactly where we stand anymore.,.. but I miss you"---

By the time I got home it was 8-- I was tired and in no mood to go to the gym-- then I started thinking about the cookies and how I put those down.. and how I went to the gym yesterday-- and I kept trying to make an excuse as to why I shouldn't go-- but in reality-- I knew better-- there is absolutely nothing -- NOTHING that should keep me from the gym tonight (aside from the fact I just spend the last 8 hours sitting in a cubical-- all the more reason why I absolutely needed to go).

So I got dressed and hopped in my car-- about 2 minutes from the gym I hear I just got a text message-- I looked down and could see it was a long one-- I knew it was from him and decided--- I just have to get to the gym then I can look .... well once I pulled in I read it "I've been doing some serious thought about my situation-- I think it's best that we stay friends--with everything that's going on" -- well there I was dressed to work out-- sitting in the parking lot of the gym-- not wanting to work out even more -- I texted him back " I felt like you weren't interested when you were in town-- I think we both anticipated things to have gone differently.. I'm not really 100 % sure why that is-- but I think I have a good idea.. we can be friends.. or not be friends... it's up to you" I then stuck my phone in the console-- and went in to work out-- I did 35 minutes on the treadmill and decided to go home without doing weights. I went outside to the car to see if I got a response from him-- and there wasn't one.

I got the "friends" speech from him. I decided that I also have given my body the "friends" speech. We're not going anywhere--there's no romance left... sayonara baby!-- don't get me wrong.. I love myself-- I love me... it's all this padding I hate! I'm conducting an outright civil war-- excuses, emotions, temptations-- I've overcome you today-- one calorie, one day, one pound at a time.

As a reminder

This is what I looked like @ 281--- it's honestly amazing to me-- these were the pictures that really drove it home for me. I honestly was taken aback by these photos-- I knew what I weighed-- but when I look in the mirror at myself-- I don't see the weight-- not that much weight-- almost as if I have reverse anorexia-- I literally see myself as much smaller than I actually am.--- no more. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

281

281. What exactly does that mean any way? Well it basically is the bane of my existence. See about 3 months ago I feel off the proverbial bandwagon of denial. After losing my job, my fiance, the house I was going to buy and what little hope I had left--- I stepped on the scale for the first time in about a month. -- My mother had kept bugging me about my weight on her last trip in when I was still employed and engaged. She expressed concern about the weight I had gained while being with my fiance (who had also gained a significant amount of weight). My diet then became half of a boiled chicken breast with a sprig of broccoli-- She was the chef when she was in and was determined to "fix" my problem.

While she was in I had stepped on the scale and tipped the scale at super line backer status of 289-- 289! What a shock! My fiance had previously told me he was up to about 312 and had been working on dropping some pounds. My weight of course was always a secret-- well at least the exact numbers.

Unbelievable. Not only was I concerned about how close I was to actually surpassing his weight but also being so close to 300lbs. Now I'm a tall girl -- 5'10" and I've been told I'm well proportioned but at what point does that remain true? @ 289 I was squeezing into a size 22 pant and 18/20 shirt. As long as I can remember I've been over weight and remember even in 6th grade being a size 18/20 pant and 14/16 shirt. -- I remember being 172 lbs at the ripe old age of 10 but don't remember when I got into the 200s and never looked back.

My weight never yo-yoed much until I hit college. I remember being over 200lbs then and after transferring to Purdue (3 years into college) being in shock that I weight 254 lbs. I then decided to do something about it and that summer dropped 30 lbs. I wore my weight like badge weighing in then @ 224. Throughout the last couple of years of college I did gain some back but had to have my tonsils taken out--- where I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks from being in too much agony to swallow drinks let alone food-- back to 224.

So where does 281 come in? Well--- 281 is where I got disgusted with my life in general. 281.5 to be exact. Everything in my life had been severed and all that was left was me and God. Mind you before my two year relationship with my fiance I weighed in around 225.--- that's basically 56lbs in two years--- or a little more than half a pound a week.. half a pound doesn't seem like much until it compounds. -- you really want to get to the nitty gritty--- we're talking about an extra 400 calories / day I was gaining. I was always bad at calculus but I think if you broke it down it would look like this

W= S + (L x .05)
where W= my resulting weight S = the starting weight and L= the length of time in weeks -- if we solved this equation it would = Fat -- like I said before I never liked or succeeded at calculus.

What's the good news in all of this? The good news is that since I didn't have a job I focused on my body as my job. I started working out-- my Mom chipped in to buy BistroMD to help me lose weight. I had extra motiviation because a guy who I had met on the internet 3 years prior found out I was no longer engaged and finally wanted to meet me in person-- meet me in person WHAT?!? So I basically filled him in on the fact I had gained 30 lbs during my relationship with my ex-fiance (30 lbs is what I honestly thought until I actually took the time to think about it) I kept him up to date on my weight loss progress-- what I was doing to work out and how much I had lost so far. My goal was to have dropped 40 lbs in 2.5 months before meeting him. In actuality despite my long treks to the gym and strict diet restrictions-- I was out of town a lot for the holidays and ended up getting really sick for about 2 weeks which put a halt on my weight loss plans. At Thanksgiving I had dropped to 264-- that's 17.5 lbs. I started taking some vitamin supplements from GNC and I did see a bit of an acceleration-- I had this in the bag!

The day of his arrival in town 12/28 I weighed myself--- 261.5-- exactly 20 lbs down. Although he had seen several pictures of me I couldn't help but feel my weight was going to be an issue. He had confessed to me on several occasions over the phone that he would "marry me tomorrow if I'd let him" -- I wanted to believe that... I really did-- but my normally confident self had doubts. -- He left on the 1st after 2 New Years Eve kisses-- and one hand holding. He told me he was all ready to ask me to be his girlfriend before he came in but some health issues had occured with his Grandma (while he was in visiting) and he just felt like he needed to help her (and his other Grandma) and be single for now-- but that there was nothing wrong with me. Now... lets be honest.. there was a lot that changed in his demenor-- maybe he's being honest about just wanting to be single-- maybe it's just an excuse as to why things are different. Time will tell I suppose.

So where does this leave me? This leaves me feeling disgusted with myself-- my heart has been shattered twice in the last 3 months-- This leaves me feeling angry that I have allowed myself to balloon to this weight. It makes me feel like if only I was thinner-- I would be married now with kids... something I want more than anything else in this world. I'm 27 and not getting any younger. I'm tired--- absolutely tired of feeling inadequette. I'm tired of hearing "you have such a pretty face" -- I'm tired of not being able to shop at whatever store I want to -- and most of all I'm tired of hiding my numbers. 261.5 -- there it is folks.

This blog is going to be the story of my liberation-- and the tribulations that come along the way. What is my ultimate goal? To be more satisified with the way I look. I would love to break into the 100's-- that would be my ultimate goal! It just seems so ominous--- I will be updating with what I'm doing to lose weight--those three dreaded numbers-- along with how (if) my life changes because of it.