240.0 There's no Graceful Way to Hike Up Your Pants

As the summer is upon us I'm stuck in a bit of a dilemma as I pull my summer wardrobe out I'm noticing that NONE of my clothes fit me! This is awesome, annoying and terrifying all at the same time! Especially since I haven't been required to wear dress pants to work for the past month (we were allowed to wear jeans if we donated to Ronald McDonald House). Anyway, after having not had to wear dress pants for a month I come back to find that all of them are too big! They seem to fit ok when I leave the house but I notice that as I walk they slide further and further down my hips causing an immense case of "droopy butt syndrome" (Where it looks like I'm wearing or diaper.. or perhaps like I *should* have been wearing one). This also has brought to mind the fact that there is no graceful or attractive way to hike up your pants. I'm having to constantly pull and yank them up after sitting, while walking etc. The worst part is that not even my belt is remotely snug anymore.

Why is this terrifying you may be asking? Isn't it great that none of my clothes fit because that marks real change? Well not entirely! You see I've been a size 20 for as long as I remember (I even remember being a size 20 in 5th grade when I was excited that they actually made Levi's in a size 20 that didn't have an elastic waistband). Honestly, that was like the most exciting day of my life because I could wear a brand that everyone else was wearing-- but that's an entire different story.

Back on track. Why is this terrifying? Well you see since I've been the same size my entire adult life and beyond.. I have clothes... I have a TON of clothes actually that I've been able to accumulate over the years. My sense of style has always been unique because limited to the "plus sized department" and a few key stores like Lane Bryant, I've had to rely on a keen sense of matching things that fit with contrasting colors. I've had to search through all the trash that's out there to find a few items I truly love-- nothing that screams "plus sized department"-- things that fit in enough but are outside the box of the normal fashion realm. Throughout the years I've been complimented on my style (which honestly developed with a bit of effort but really out of my necessity to not be viewed as the token fat girl).

So the fact that my clothes don't fit-- well that's scary! I'm going to have to venture out and not only financially commit to a whole new wardrobe but also I'm faced with the fact that I won't be able to shop in the stores I've been so accustomed to. As I lose more and more weight it's going to open the doors to many MANY new stores. I'm going to have to put more effort into keeping and developing my sense of style. I'm going to have to seriously hunt for things I truly love and not just buy things because I now fit into them. I'm going to have to be careful not to overspend on items for the same reason! The entire situation is daunting already and I'm not even there!

I never expected to have this sense of insecurity before. I want to hit my goal weight so bad! I really do.. but I'm starting to get intimidated! Not only for the clothes reason (which sounds so materialistic and stupid) but also from the aspect of the men department! I've already had so many issues with men in my life.. I know as I continue to lose weight I'm going to have more men approach me.. and not only approach me but more men coming at me for the WRONG reasons. I need to be careful as I've been redirecting my focus from yet another failed relationship (which I've been careful not to mention on here-- ).

I'm spending this time redirecting my focus from men.. re-focusing my attention to working out/ losing weight-- re-focusing my thoughts and actions toward my friends and family and God.. and just trying to keep my head on straight. This is tough! I can't believe how none of these things really came to mind before! But I guess there was something so poignant about hitting the 50lbs lost mark that really had me thinking. This entire process has really been amazing. It really has. I'm excited to see where this will take me in the next few months.

90 in 09 Challenge- 259.5

I've been listening to my favorite radio station, KLOVE and kept hearing about Big Daddy Weave's goal to lose 90lb in 09. He's been documenting his journey of weight loss online and you can join him in the challenge. Basically the challenge consists of 3 daily commitments.

1) Nutrition: Recognizing that the purpose of foods I eat is to provide my body with the fuel it needs, I commit to make choices that are nutritious and appropriate in portion size.

2) Exercise: Realizing the positive impact that exercise has on my overall well being, I will spend a total of 20 - 30 minutes each day engaged in physical activity.

3)Worship: Believing that true overall health encompasses spiritual growth which comes from spending time with God, I choose to set aside time each day to be solely devoted to Him.

While admit that this is going to be challenging (especially #2) I have committed to joining in the challenge! If you too would like to join simply visit the website and sign up! They will be sending out weekly support info and the website is updated almost daily with the progress of Mike Weaver. They promise to provide helpful tips along the way as well! It seems like a simple challenge but there is a lot of commitment involved!

Today I went to the gym and really woke myself up about how half- assed my workouts have been as of late-- so I ended up on the treadmill for 70 minutes burning 630 calories and also did some weights on my thighs--- I need to start kicking it into high gear. I'm now more than ever considering hiring a personal trainer-- it just makes me nervous I guess. I mean I've already been able to loose quite a bit on my own... but I think the added support and techniques will probably help me to arrive at my goal much sooner.