What's in a Number? --261.5

Well-- what exactly is in a number anyway-- well I'm going to tell you! Each blog title is going to be my weight the day I blog-- this helps keep me accountable!-- I've been slowly tracking my weight and keeping record. I think this is a good thing to do to help track progress and keep yourself motivated-- plus you can always see how different things effect your weight and actively progress your situation.

Now I know EVERYONE says do not weigh yourself... or only weigh yourself once a week-- I weigh myself pretty much every day. Why do I do this? Well I think it's important. Think about it -- if your bladder is full or you're retaining water (as women especially tend to do) and you only weigh yourself once a week--- it may appear that you have gained 5 pounds in the past week-- that only puts you in a downward spiral-- this is why I choose to weigh myself pretty much every day-- I can account for fluctuation and really keep track of where I'm at. Another thing I do is I always weigh myself when I get up in the morning (after I've gone to the bathroom and before I've ate or drank anything) this ensures that I have a constant of time-- my stomach is empty--so I don't have to worry about how much the food or water I just drank weighed (yes I am that anal).

So let me share some numbers with you!

11/14 269
11/15 267
11/16 268.5
11/17 269.5
11/18 269
11/19 269
11/20 267.5
11/21 267
11/22 265.5
11/30 266
12/01 267
12/02 265.5
12/03 266
12/06 264
12/20 263.5
12/28 261.5

On 10/13 my measurements were: bust 48 natural waist 43 and hips 54 weight 289
On 1/03 my measurements are: bust 45 natural waist 39 and hips 52 weight 261.5

Boy typing this is making me think twice about sharing---

So what have I been doing to lose weight?

When I hit the gym I go to the treadmill--- I'm not built for running so I just walk fast-- about 4.2 mph --- I do one of two things-- I either walk for a half hour (with 5 minute cool down)-- which typically burns about 350 calories (more depending on how much I mess with the inclination) --and then I'll lift weights for about a half hour after that-- focusing on my thighs, abs, triceps and biceps --- or I will walk for about 70 minutes (that is two 30 minute sessions with 2 five minute cool downs) On the second session I normally drop my pace to keep my heart rate up but not burn myself out--- I should mention my first session is much more intense where every 3 - 5 minutes I will increase the inclination and sometimes adjust the speed up-- I want to really hit it for the first 35---

Naturally our bodies don't go into fat burning mode until after you've been working out for at least 20 minutes-- so logically speaking keeping your heart rate up for at least an hour (whether by more walking or weights) is what allows me to get the max out of my work out.

Food wise I've been eating BistroMD-- which has been quite a challenge-- considering it is gourmet food but EVERY meal consists of a meat and two vegetables--- since I've never been a hardy meat eater-- it's difficult to have it EVERY day-- I find myself missing pastas and especially salads.

When I lost 30 lbs before I did use nutrisystem-- but I have to warn you the food is not nearly as good and when I ended up doing was ordering items ala cart to get the items I liked--- I really enjoyed the chicken cacciatori for lunch-- my biggest suggestion with nutrisystem is to avoid anything that is primarily meat-- because a lot of times it looks or smells like cat food (sometimes even tastes like it)--- the muffins they had made me throw up because they were so dry--- so when I ordered my food I stuck to lunch and dinner items then had fruit for breakfast-- or a cup of a cereal like "honey nut clusters"--- one thing I highly recommend from nutrisystem is the chocolates--- those were the best snack and really the only snack I ever ordered.

I'm not really a fan of any sort of diet pills-- it always comes out years later that it causes birth defects or cancer or liver or kidney failure--- I have recently invested in some "women's health" pills from GNC-- that claims to help digest the fat-- and I have noticed that it does help with the weight loss. I have considered maybe trying that acai pills-- but as afore mentioned I'm not a big fan of diet pills or fads-- it's always safest to do things the natural and right way.

281

281. What exactly does that mean any way? Well it basically is the bane of my existence. See about 3 months ago I feel off the proverbial bandwagon of denial. After losing my job, my fiance, the house I was going to buy and what little hope I had left--- I stepped on the scale for the first time in about a month. -- My mother had kept bugging me about my weight on her last trip in when I was still employed and engaged. She expressed concern about the weight I had gained while being with my fiance (who had also gained a significant amount of weight). My diet then became half of a boiled chicken breast with a sprig of broccoli-- She was the chef when she was in and was determined to "fix" my problem.

While she was in I had stepped on the scale and tipped the scale at super line backer status of 289-- 289! What a shock! My fiance had previously told me he was up to about 312 and had been working on dropping some pounds. My weight of course was always a secret-- well at least the exact numbers.

Unbelievable. Not only was I concerned about how close I was to actually surpassing his weight but also being so close to 300lbs. Now I'm a tall girl -- 5'10" and I've been told I'm well proportioned but at what point does that remain true? @ 289 I was squeezing into a size 22 pant and 18/20 shirt. As long as I can remember I've been over weight and remember even in 6th grade being a size 18/20 pant and 14/16 shirt. -- I remember being 172 lbs at the ripe old age of 10 but don't remember when I got into the 200s and never looked back.

My weight never yo-yoed much until I hit college. I remember being over 200lbs then and after transferring to Purdue (3 years into college) being in shock that I weight 254 lbs. I then decided to do something about it and that summer dropped 30 lbs. I wore my weight like badge weighing in then @ 224. Throughout the last couple of years of college I did gain some back but had to have my tonsils taken out--- where I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks from being in too much agony to swallow drinks let alone food-- back to 224.

So where does 281 come in? Well--- 281 is where I got disgusted with my life in general. 281.5 to be exact. Everything in my life had been severed and all that was left was me and God. Mind you before my two year relationship with my fiance I weighed in around 225.--- that's basically 56lbs in two years--- or a little more than half a pound a week.. half a pound doesn't seem like much until it compounds. -- you really want to get to the nitty gritty--- we're talking about an extra 400 calories / day I was gaining. I was always bad at calculus but I think if you broke it down it would look like this

W= S + (L x .05)
where W= my resulting weight S = the starting weight and L= the length of time in weeks -- if we solved this equation it would = Fat -- like I said before I never liked or succeeded at calculus.

What's the good news in all of this? The good news is that since I didn't have a job I focused on my body as my job. I started working out-- my Mom chipped in to buy BistroMD to help me lose weight. I had extra motiviation because a guy who I had met on the internet 3 years prior found out I was no longer engaged and finally wanted to meet me in person-- meet me in person WHAT?!? So I basically filled him in on the fact I had gained 30 lbs during my relationship with my ex-fiance (30 lbs is what I honestly thought until I actually took the time to think about it) I kept him up to date on my weight loss progress-- what I was doing to work out and how much I had lost so far. My goal was to have dropped 40 lbs in 2.5 months before meeting him. In actuality despite my long treks to the gym and strict diet restrictions-- I was out of town a lot for the holidays and ended up getting really sick for about 2 weeks which put a halt on my weight loss plans. At Thanksgiving I had dropped to 264-- that's 17.5 lbs. I started taking some vitamin supplements from GNC and I did see a bit of an acceleration-- I had this in the bag!

The day of his arrival in town 12/28 I weighed myself--- 261.5-- exactly 20 lbs down. Although he had seen several pictures of me I couldn't help but feel my weight was going to be an issue. He had confessed to me on several occasions over the phone that he would "marry me tomorrow if I'd let him" -- I wanted to believe that... I really did-- but my normally confident self had doubts. -- He left on the 1st after 2 New Years Eve kisses-- and one hand holding. He told me he was all ready to ask me to be his girlfriend before he came in but some health issues had occured with his Grandma (while he was in visiting) and he just felt like he needed to help her (and his other Grandma) and be single for now-- but that there was nothing wrong with me. Now... lets be honest.. there was a lot that changed in his demenor-- maybe he's being honest about just wanting to be single-- maybe it's just an excuse as to why things are different. Time will tell I suppose.

So where does this leave me? This leaves me feeling disgusted with myself-- my heart has been shattered twice in the last 3 months-- This leaves me feeling angry that I have allowed myself to balloon to this weight. It makes me feel like if only I was thinner-- I would be married now with kids... something I want more than anything else in this world. I'm 27 and not getting any younger. I'm tired--- absolutely tired of feeling inadequette. I'm tired of hearing "you have such a pretty face" -- I'm tired of not being able to shop at whatever store I want to -- and most of all I'm tired of hiding my numbers. 261.5 -- there it is folks.

This blog is going to be the story of my liberation-- and the tribulations that come along the way. What is my ultimate goal? To be more satisified with the way I look. I would love to break into the 100's-- that would be my ultimate goal! It just seems so ominous--- I will be updating with what I'm doing to lose weight--those three dreaded numbers-- along with how (if) my life changes because of it.