221- Memoirs of a Fat Chick

At work today was my company's "annual Holiday"-- the day typically has games for people to play (like corn hole) and free lunch.

This years was a little different, it was short on the games but high on the food because my managers decided to do a "food day" in protest of the "hot dog or hamburger" the "Bistro" was offering. To top things off they decided we should have breakfast too (free food! YAY)

Breakfast started out ok with 1/2 glass of OJ, a piece of homemade quiche, fruit and half of a cinnamon crunch bagel (the bottom half-- I would have gone for a full bagel but I was only interested in the cinnamon crunch bagel-- and there was only a half of one left!) between breakfast and lunch I also had a cup of sprite.

This leads me to lunch. Now there is a guy on our team who's Dad LOVES to make cheesecake (which is always a plain cheesecake) at my request his dad made a chocolate cheesecake (my fav) to accompany the regular cheesecake. -- so you better believe I had a slice of that-- followed by a brat with ketchup and relish, a cup of pasta salad and washed down with yet another sprite.

Here comes the kicker-- they gave away cupcakes later in the day-- I messed up the time and didn't get one-- here comes in my memory of being fat-- I knew I was full. I ate PLENTY of calories (especially with the chocolate cheesecake) and I couldn't help but feel devistated that I missed out on a cupcake. I started thinking to myself "why doesn't my company order enough for at least one cupcake per person working" I started wondering how many people had taken 2-- how DARE they take MY cupcake. AS if this wasn't bad enough-- I found out that they were having cupcakes for people on second shift (which overlaps my shift) and went down and got a cupcake right before i left. Walking back to my desk from the Bistro was like a walk of shame as I passed people who intimately know of my journey to lose weight and my boss who said "you're having a cupcake after cheesecake? you guys are killing me!!!" (she's trying to lose weight too), It felt a little shameful as I felt the urge to hide it from people what I was doing, but you better believe I scarfed it down too.

Am I ashamed? Well I guess not really--but it was disturbing to go into protective mode over food-- i hadn't been that way in a long time. And deep down I knew what I was doing was "wrong" . Do you ever get that way? Ultimately it's just a reminder of "this is why you're fat" -- not being able to control that urge to protect and then consume what is "rightfully" mine.

I had planned on going to the gym tonight to try and work off some of the food I just ate-- but I don't have the desire to right now. My workout schedule has been crazy (practically non-existent) because I was so intently looking for a house --which actually fell through too. I need to get back on the bandwagon-- I have still lost some weight-- just not very quickly-- and I'm currently in 2nd place for the biggest loser @ work (which ends in June) -- I'm only down about .25% behind the 1st place person-- BUT the pot is split 50/50 between the 2 biggest losers so I still have a good chance as long as I start getting myself in gear.

I Don't Feel Sorry for Fat People 224.5

Time for a slight rant.

Basically the job I have right now.. I'm overworked, overqualified and drastically underpaid. I took the first job I could after getting laid off and it happened to be paying literally half what I was making. My job is basically to read every complaint that comes into our bank-- this includes FED, BBB and general senior management complaints. What has this job taught me? It's taught me to be pretty cynical about everything. Most of all it's really taught me that NO ONE will take responsibility for their own actions.

Case in point. You spend more money than what is in your account-- this is the banks fault-- the reasoning is "online information is not as up to date" -- (among many other complaints) this makes the bank "greedy" and "predatory" when you are charged a fee-- and since we were "bailed out" the customer needs a bail out as well. Here are my 3 points about this a) if you were spending money with cash you would have RAN OUT! you spent the money! you spent more than you had-- so guess what that's your fault! b) if you kept a check book register while using your debit card you would have known you were going over your current balance. c) here's news.. yes it's "bail out money" that, yes came from tax payers (which I am one of them) BUT this is not free money.. this is a loan from the government that has to be paid back with interest.. so it's not a free for all on money.. no matter how you cut it the bank is taking a loss and you are not entitled to it.

So where this brings me. You have to be responsible for yourself. I have to realize that I got to 289lbs because of what I chose to put in my mouth. I can sit around and argue that someone else was feeding me-- or that I was under pressure or stress which made me eat more-- but bottom line is no one force fed me those high calorie foods-- no one made me sit on the couch for hours on end.. there are all sorts of people with stress but some choose to exercise or talk with someone rather than eat.-- we all have struggles-- weaknesses-- it's how we choose to deal with them.

I see all these overweight people at my work.. I used to feel sorry for them thinking "oh they must have a story" -- I don't feel that way anymore because I was 289 and said "this is stupid I've had it" and I did something about it! I stopped eating like a pig-- I started the cathartic process of talking about my feelings and emotions (including this blog) I started counting calories and watching what I ate and most of all I got off the couch and started working out. There is no excuse-- you may have a bad back or bad knees (me)-- BUT I can choose to take the stairs instead of the elevator.. or lift tiny weights while watching TV-- or volunteer to take things to other departments while at work-- OR EVEN bounce my leg while working.

I don't have sympathy anymore.. it's simple math-- get it together-- make up your mind and do it.. keep a check book ledger and don't spend more "calories" than you have in your bank account. Stop blaming it on someone else-- stop trying to take the easy way out and doing crash diets or taking pills or even doing surgery. No one else is responsible for you or your actions but YOU. You don't have to be fat, you just choose to be-- if you don't like it.. get pissed and do something about it.. I did.

Cutting out the Fat and the Cancer --258

Today I continued on my 90 in 09 quest and hit the gym up for 35 minutes on the treadmill. I burned a total of 375 calories.

What I really want to tell you about is how I've decided to cut out the fat and cancer. What do I mean by that-- well I'm cutting out my fat-- I'm getting rid of the things I don't need--

When you have cancer (unless it's beyond help-- terminal) the doctors go in to cut it out. If they can't cut it out they kill your immune system to get rid of it. So that's exactly what I decided to do last night-- cut out the cancer. It's painful yes-- but I decided to completely let go of that guy-- I deleted him as a friend on myspace-- he was causing me so much anguish over telling me all of these wonderful things and then outright rejecting me for the way I looked. -- all this in turn has done is make me angry and sad at the same time-- it's been distracting and killing me softly-- so I decided to cut him out-- kill the cancer that was killing my focus-- that was killing my self esteem.

Now for the healing process-- I deserve better-- I'm more than a sparkling personality-- so much more and I don't need a cancer that makes me think or feel otherwise.

261.5 -- I swallowed my guilt whole.

Thinking back on how I actually gained 56lbs in the past 2 years-- I think it really had a lot to do with the guilt I had surrounding my relationship. I think when you start to bury feelings and thoughts deep down inside--- it starts to grow roots into all aspects of your life. -- it's as if I had a redwood protruding out of my chest-- just so vast and immensely unfathomable to deal with. Once I started swallowing that guilt whole-- it just festered in my gut. I think that's why I'm feeling so liberated discussing things like my weight so openly now --- it's something that's always been there lurking in the shadows-- but there's no need to do that anymore. When you stop fearing the monster under the bed enough to actually lift up the covers and look him in the eye-- you realize you've been fearing an old sneaker and waded up sweater from 1982.

Does anyone else see a similar correlation in their life?

Today was my first day back @ work (after having been laid off for 3 months) -- I'm incredibly sore from yesterday's work out and almost decided not to go the gym tonight. Instead I decided to work through the pain-- I convinced myself to do just 35 minutes on the treadmill--- I walked slower today @ 3.7 mph but with an inclination that I started @ 4.5 and moved up to 6-- it was tough! After that I did convince myself to do some weights as well.. sometimes it's so hard to motivate myself.. but if I tackle it one item at a time-- I can often convince myself to do "just one more" exercise or "just 5 more minutes" -- I think this is a lot like how I have to approach my weight loss-- one calorie-- one day-- one pound at a time.