Swallowed by Insecurities-- 245

This was a photo from my vacation-- In case it's hard to make out.. it's me in a sharks mouth. I thought I was being funny-- but when I saw the photos.. I felt like I was being swallowed whole by my insecurities and not the shark head @ the Birch aquarium.

After 50 lbs lost (well you can see I'm up a few lbs at the moment-- I think that's water weight but we'll see in a day or two)-- ANYWAY after 50lbs lost-- I'm really starting to notice the permanent damage I did to my body-- particularly stretched out-- stretch marked skin. I find this especially noticeable in my arms! My inner arms are covered in stretch marks.. which as I lose weight has transformed into flabby flaps. -- This coupled with the "gut" I've acquired that still doesn't want to move (I've lost 1 inch on my gut-- compared with the 5 inches I've lost on my chest, the 8 inches on my waist and the 6 inches on my hips)-- that belly won't go away-- it's incredibly frustrating-- and unattractive. Before I gained all this extra weight I always had a pretty flat stomach-- even @ 220 lbs my stomach remained flat-- now that the fat is on there it is refusing to budge.-- and finally my chest. -- I've gone down a cup size (well on one side I have HAHAH!)-- my one boob tends to want to pop out of my cup-- on the other side it's a little smaller (which I know is normal-- but it's annoying and again unattractive to me.)

I'm having a really hard time coping with this change. I mean it's awesome that I'm taking control and losing weight.. but it's terrifying! (see previous blog)-- and it's frustrating to me that I look like a fat person who has lost weight.. instead of a person who has always been *this weight*. I'm normally very self-confident-- but I was just so overcome with this while on vacation-- I'm scared to see what my final body looks like-- I know.. I just need to take it one day at a time.. but it's hard! I'm struggling. I want to lose weight but I'm having a hard time motivating myself. *sigh* anyway I just wanted to share what's on my mind.

239!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's time to celebrate because I weighed myself this morning and it turns out I have officially lost 50lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!

Chasing the Babe --264

So I bet you thought since I didn't post yesterday-- I didn't work out-- well if you thought that shame on you-- I DID work out yesterday and today-- in fact I've been working out straight since Sunday-- and I plan to go right on through Sunday. Yesterday I did 35 minutes on the treadmill and an intense lifting regimen-- hitting abs, thighs, back, shoulders, triceps and biceps. Today I hit the treadmill for 50 minutes (I found a machine @ the gym they hadn't manipulated to only allow for a 30 minutes work out) -- ok so I felt a little bit guilty hogging the treadmill for 50 minutes-- but I figured I was up for it and after this week deserved an few extra minutes! -- I also did a few weights (only about 10 minutes worth-- but proud of it nonetheless)-- note to self-- second treadmill from the door is now my perfered machine!

When I was walking for those 50 minutes-- I remembered a conversation I had with my oil painting professor a few years ago. He told me to work out he likes to run-- and how he motivates himself is he imagines himself in his prime-- the best he could ever look-- all muscular and suave--- well his "perfect" self is running in front of him-- and all he has to do is catch up to become that person--- I have to admit I laughed at the thought of this--- chasing myself in unbelievable shape--- the kind of shape that turns even the girls heads--- but I can't help but think how effective that strategy is! I often think (since I've always been overweight) how easy my journey would be if I just knew what I would look like @ 175 lbs-- if I knew what I was working for-- how I'd look-- how I'd feel--- I would be so much motivated since I wouldn't be able to stand the wait! I think at this point it's such a foreign thought I have a hard time picturing myself in it for the long haul-- especially when I start plateauing like I have these past two weeks.

Speaking of plateauing-- I remember when I hit a plateau before for about 3 weeks-- and then over night I lost 12 lbs-- literally overnight I did-- I was so amazed and thought "where did all that weight go while I was sleeping?" Our bodies really are incredible! I find solace in the fact that I know I'm doing all I can -- and since I'm doing all I can -- regardless of what the scale is saying I know it's paying off.

Relentlessly chasing the Babe-- one day at a time.