Drum Roll Please! 198.8

GUESS WHAT?!?! this is what I saw when I weighed myself this morning. I know I haven't been blogging.. but I still have been striving towards my goals... this was such a HUGE goal for me.. and I can't remember the last time I was under 200lbs.. but I think it was probably about 6th grade! that's pretty amazing! I was excited.. but honestly forgot about it until around lunch when I again thought "wow" and then thought.. "huh I don't really feel any different" like I expected that the world would change or I'd suddenly be the most breath taking woman in the world LOL. regardless 90.2lbs total weight loss is a big number.. and something I'm proud of-- only 23.8lbs more until my goal weight of 175lbs.. where I'll assess if I want to continue to lose weight or simply be happy where I'm at there :o) thanks for sharing in the good news of this big day with me :o)

P.S. I never realized how "fat" my feet look-- I have a wide foot and apparently my toes are spreading and getting twisty.. lol here's to almost being 30!

Just a Little Work Out Tip 240.5

I recently heard on the radio that when you're working out you should try to sing as loudly as you can. What this basically does it tighten up your abs while you work out. Since I work out at a gym, I didn't think people would appreciate me singing at the top of my lungs.. so instead I basically lip synced.

Having being in choir for a few years I know you're supposed to sing with your gut, basically pushing down your diaphragm-- as I lip synced I pushed as if I was singing really loudly and let all the air come out as if I was singing just avoiding using my voice box. I have to say it actually worked really well. I've been having a really hard time getting my stomach to be sore, even with the ab crunch machine at the gym-- and this actually did the trick! Try it out! If you're brave enough to sing at the top of your lungs while at the gym, please let me know the reaction of your fellow gym mates :o)!

The best way to bring work out cheer is singing loudly for ALL TO HEAR!

240.0 There's no Graceful Way to Hike Up Your Pants

As the summer is upon us I'm stuck in a bit of a dilemma as I pull my summer wardrobe out I'm noticing that NONE of my clothes fit me! This is awesome, annoying and terrifying all at the same time! Especially since I haven't been required to wear dress pants to work for the past month (we were allowed to wear jeans if we donated to Ronald McDonald House). Anyway, after having not had to wear dress pants for a month I come back to find that all of them are too big! They seem to fit ok when I leave the house but I notice that as I walk they slide further and further down my hips causing an immense case of "droopy butt syndrome" (Where it looks like I'm wearing or diaper.. or perhaps like I *should* have been wearing one). This also has brought to mind the fact that there is no graceful or attractive way to hike up your pants. I'm having to constantly pull and yank them up after sitting, while walking etc. The worst part is that not even my belt is remotely snug anymore.

Why is this terrifying you may be asking? Isn't it great that none of my clothes fit because that marks real change? Well not entirely! You see I've been a size 20 for as long as I remember (I even remember being a size 20 in 5th grade when I was excited that they actually made Levi's in a size 20 that didn't have an elastic waistband). Honestly, that was like the most exciting day of my life because I could wear a brand that everyone else was wearing-- but that's an entire different story.

Back on track. Why is this terrifying? Well you see since I've been the same size my entire adult life and beyond.. I have clothes... I have a TON of clothes actually that I've been able to accumulate over the years. My sense of style has always been unique because limited to the "plus sized department" and a few key stores like Lane Bryant, I've had to rely on a keen sense of matching things that fit with contrasting colors. I've had to search through all the trash that's out there to find a few items I truly love-- nothing that screams "plus sized department"-- things that fit in enough but are outside the box of the normal fashion realm. Throughout the years I've been complimented on my style (which honestly developed with a bit of effort but really out of my necessity to not be viewed as the token fat girl).

So the fact that my clothes don't fit-- well that's scary! I'm going to have to venture out and not only financially commit to a whole new wardrobe but also I'm faced with the fact that I won't be able to shop in the stores I've been so accustomed to. As I lose more and more weight it's going to open the doors to many MANY new stores. I'm going to have to put more effort into keeping and developing my sense of style. I'm going to have to seriously hunt for things I truly love and not just buy things because I now fit into them. I'm going to have to be careful not to overspend on items for the same reason! The entire situation is daunting already and I'm not even there!

I never expected to have this sense of insecurity before. I want to hit my goal weight so bad! I really do.. but I'm starting to get intimidated! Not only for the clothes reason (which sounds so materialistic and stupid) but also from the aspect of the men department! I've already had so many issues with men in my life.. I know as I continue to lose weight I'm going to have more men approach me.. and not only approach me but more men coming at me for the WRONG reasons. I need to be careful as I've been redirecting my focus from yet another failed relationship (which I've been careful not to mention on here-- ).

I'm spending this time redirecting my focus from men.. re-focusing my attention to working out/ losing weight-- re-focusing my thoughts and actions toward my friends and family and God.. and just trying to keep my head on straight. This is tough! I can't believe how none of these things really came to mind before! But I guess there was something so poignant about hitting the 50lbs lost mark that really had me thinking. This entire process has really been amazing. It really has. I'm excited to see where this will take me in the next few months.

We Were Boxing... 248

I absolutely hate daylight savings-- I don't care if I'm "gaining" or "losing" an hour-- it's always annoying.

I've been working out on the elliptical lately and pairing that with the row machine. Yesterday I did 35 minutes on the elliptical and 8 minutes on the row machine. The row machine is TOUGH-- I really tried to tighten my stomach this time and really focus on dropping my back as far back as it would go when I would pull back to row. Since I can't seem to get my abs sore (I don't know why) this actually did the trick-- only slightly though-- so I'm going to really hit the row machine hard tomorrow-- maybe work myself up to 10 minutes.

In other gym news-- if you remember my mixed review on the "Tread Climber". Well all the machines are gone at the gym. Apparently the gym wasn't very pleased with them. They have now been replaced with "stair climbers" where it's actually a revolving escalator that you climb.. interesting concept but kinda lame if you ask me.

In the poetic lyrics department-- today's winner is Jack's Mannequin "Dark Blue"
We were boxing, we were boxing the stars-- we were boxing-- you were swinging for Mars.

I don't know why but I just love those lyrics.

Fashion Spree- 251.5

I know I've been MIA for a week. To be honest with you I took a vacation from just about everything this week (including working out *gasp*) I just felt so overwhelmed by the monotony of my life (get up, work, come home, go to the gym, eat dinner, watch TV, bed) in and out every day-- I felt like my life was so boring and routine I just decided to take a vacation from that routine to re-energize and re-focus. I am officially off vacation today (worked out this morning on the eliptical for 35 minutes :o))

What have I been doing? Well... SHOPPING! Z Gallerie is going out of business (so I've been there 3 times this week to pick up on the now 50% off sale). I did some clothes and shoe shopping.

I must say I was really disappointed with Lane Bryant when I got a flyer/ coupon booklet and then when I went online and to the store I found out that the more colorful cool things I was aiming to get had all sold out (including online and warehouse) the SAME DAY the flyer came out. To be honest this really pisses me off. Lane Bryant went against the hum drum drain of plaid shirts (see previous post) but only carry a select number of the more fashion forward items! BOO! This upsets me, especially considering the alternative. Bravo to them for taking a step forward on the correct foot-- boo to them for being conservative in their numbers. Note to self: make a mad dash for the website as soon as I get the next booklet.

Indicently has anyone noticed the color scheme for this season is navy, yellow, green, white and purple-- it's kind of refreshing. Makes me feel like I should be on a sail boat sippin a mojeto.

I have to give some major Kudos to Lane Bryant for thier new approach to taking fashionable shots and hiring a stylist-- look how "WOW" this looks...
On the other hand-- I found a major gap in this on the website. Look on the same page we have the "stylized" model and the one that "did it herself" in the obviously cheaper rendition to the right (and you bet that's the shirt we get). Overall massive improvement-- but we have a way to go before we win the race tortise.Now here are the shoes I bought! Unfortunately the teal and white shoes from French Sole run about 1/2 size too small (and being a size 11 already rules out any hope of my step sister sized feet squeezing into this Cinderella's slipper :o() But on a positive note the other too pairs (brought to us by Me Too and Jessica Bennett Kurt) fit GREAT! GO TEAM!

I'm Losing It! 254.5

For Christmas I got an iphone! It's one of those gadgets (much like Tivo) that once you have it you have no idea how you ever lived without it! About a week ago I was browsing the "free apps" and found a program called "Lose it". I absolutely LOVE this program. Basically you input your height, weight, age--- how much weight you'd like to lose per week and your goal weight. Lose it calculates how many calories/ day you should consume to achieve your goal for the week (ie 1 lbs / week etc). -- it even projects at your current criteria when you should hit your "goal weight"-- (it told me OCT for me)

But wait! It gets better! You record your calories by searching for the foods in a database-- you can then choose your portion size and it show you the nutritional breakdown. You can have it record fat, carbs, calories, protein and a bunch of other stuff-- it then subtracts this from your daily budget of calories. What's even better it saves your "foods" -- for instance pretty much every day I have a spinach salad for lunch-- so I can go into "my foods" and locate that meal so I can use it over and over again (or even slightly modify it) etc. It compiles all of this info into a daily and weekly journal so you can see how much (on average) you consume daily or weekly in carbs, fat, calories etc.

I know you thought I was done... you can ALSO include your work outs--- it has a HUGE array of activities including (and this one made me giggle) "sexual activity" which you can put intensity level-- I was interested to find out you can kiss for over an hour and still burn 0 calories according to the program :o)

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL (thanks so much Ron Popeil) you can also record your daily weight and it will chart it for you on a graph.

I know I sound like a salesman (well I did used to be one) but honestly this is a free application for iphone and I'm extatic about it! I've been using it for about a week.. and I'm still trying to figure out how accurate it is-- it tells me I can eat 1800 calories a day and I will lose 2 lbs a week-- to me that seems a little high but I'm going to test it out and let you know when my results are conclusive (but that's another great feature about this program-- I can adjust my "daily" calorie budget if I'm not getting the results it calculates I should. All in all it's a great tool-- and I love recording it all so I can track progress and look back on how things change. I'm nerdy like that :o)

I worked out every day this week (well I'm counting the day I only worked out for 5 minutes and then sustained an injury :o( ) and tonight is no exception--- I'm headed there now!

Am I Out for the Season Coach? 253.5

Well after that last post about how everything seems to keep getting in my way I have to share what happened to me yesterday.

On Sunday I tried a new machine at the gym (trying to spice it up)-- it's an arc trainer-- basically has the same motion of an elliptical-- but you're in more a squat the whole time. I felt like this gave my legs and butt a great workout (and afterwards I hopped on the treadmill for 35 minutes)-- I loved the workout so much I decided to try it out again last night.

About 5 minutes into the work out on the arc trainer I got a severe pain in my left inner thigh (remember how I said I felt like I had a slight sprain in my groin). Well this pain was just bellow that and it felt like the tendon in my inner thigh popped out-- it kept burning and I was just trying to work through the pain and decided after a minute that I was probably doing more harm than good. I had the idea of hopping on the treadmill and walking it off-- well I limped all the way to the treadmill and put the speed on 2.0 and still had trouble working through it and keeping up with the speed-- after about 3 minutes of that I decided I better just go home :o(.

I am glad to report though that today I still feel a little tinge in my inner thigh/ groin-- but was able to walk on the treadmill for 35 minutes at 3.5 miles per hour-- slower than usual and I was only able to burn about 290 calories in that time (vs about 380 @ 4.0 speed) but I am pleased I was able to get that done.

I plan on taking it easy the next couple of days but still working out!

Pinky and the Brain - 254.5

I'm sorry for the lack of posting this week. It seems as of late that all of the forces of nature have been plotting against my desire to loose weight. I must say I worked out on Monday and then on Tuesday we had yet another snow storm. I was scheduled to work until 6 (as usual) but I could see from my desk that 71 was a standstill. Everyone was trying to find out why and it was a combination of a jack knifed semi and 275 beings shut down. I decided to try and wait it out and just work late and leave earlier one day later that week. Well I ended up staying until about 8pm and decided I couldn't stand being at work anymore and although 71 was still @ a standstill I was going to take the "back way" home. What a HUGE mistake that turned out to be. I live 23 miles from work and normally take 71 straight home (which takes about 30 minutes depending on traffic). Imagine how annoyed I was when I kept watching the time tick by in the car knowing the YMCA closed @ 10pm. At 10:00 I was actually sitting in traffic on the "back road" only 5 miles from work. I didn't end up getting home until after 11:30pm.

I was able to make it to the gym on Wed and Thursday-- and Sat-- but I can't help but feel annoyed at how many obstacles I've been coming across in trying to work out. Actually on Thursday when I worked out I decided to put in 45 minutes on the treadmill instead of the 35 I have been doing here lately-- and I ended up with a blister on the bottom and side of my foot -- in addition to continually fighting what feels like a slightly pulled groin. (Hence why I didn't work out on Friday) but you will be happy to know that I did pull a full hour on the treadmill on Sat (and plan to do an intense work out a little later today).

But back to being annoyed-- I've been fighting through emotions, about 4 or 5 illnesses (I've lost count at this point)-- and weather. All I want to do is work out and get this weight off-- that's it! Seems simple enough! This made me think of one of my favorite cartoons, Pinky and the Brain. For those of you who aren't familiar it's a cartoon about two lab rats, one names Pinky (who runs on very very low wattage) and the other Brain (who is literally and figuratively the brain of the operation).

The intro is my favorite "Dah Brain what are we going to do tonight" and Brain replies "Same thing we try to do every night Pinky, try to take over the world" -- I've attached a copy of the opening in this post-- please watch! Anyway-- this is what I feel like sometimes. "What are we going to do tonight Ana?" "Same thing we attempt to do every night-- work out and lose weight"-- something stupid seems to keep getting in the way of my weight loss grandeur. Regardless I'm trying to keep up with it-- and not let it get me down-- keep myself motivated despite obstacles (because God knows how much more easy it is to give up when you're facing resistance head on).

I'm going to try and be better about posting this week!!

"You Haven't Registered for Your Wedding" 256

Those of you who follow regularly know that my fiance and I broke up around Oct. Well-- I went to a wedding expo say mid July-- and we hadn't officially set a date but we knew it was going to be in the spring. How depressing is it that I keep getting voicemails from various stores I indicated I would like to register at. Normally I'll get a call while I'm at work on my cell phone (so I don't pick it up) and the message goes something like this... "Hi Anastasia-- I hope the planning for your wedding is going well. We still have yet to have you and Devin register for your May wedding-- please stop by anytime and we'd be happy to register you!"

lol THANKS for that-- I haven't registered because I'm NO LONGER ENGAGED lol--Anyway-- interestingly enough I have been looking at some wedding stuff (ie flowers and bridesmaid dresses) at this point who knows if I'll ever have the opportunity to exercise these decisions-- but I thought I'd share some inspirational images anyway.

My original colors were going to be orange and fuchsia (I know it sounds gross but I promise it's not) -- my new color scheme is purple, orange and green-- I think it will be superb -- I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

OH YES and I DID work out today :o)

Pssssssssssstttt OVER HERE! 256

So I know I've been MIA for the past week and I'm sorry! The following are not excuses but merely explanation--

To my dismay last Sunday I got a headache that decided not to leave until wed (which incidentally was the day we had a snow storm/ ice storm). It was so crazy that they declared a level 3 snow emergency which means the only vehicles allowed on the road are emergency vehicles. What this in turn did was make it impossible for me to work on Wed (when I actually started feeling better)--

back to what was going on with my headache-- I also had a severely stiff neck and the muscles in my calves were so stiff and tight -- I have no idea why I had these symptoms-- and I can't tell if all of this was due to pushing myself too hard at the gym or something completely unrelated.

Anyway-- because my work decided NOT to pay us for the day that by law we could not go to work-- I had to try and make up some time and could only do so on Thursday and Friday-- which basically meant I didn't get home until about 9pm on both days-- too late to go to the gym.

BUT-- I DID go to the gym today. Something else that happened this week aside from not working out-- was NOT watching what I ate that closely-- I still ate pretty well but I actually had a hamburger and frosty from Wendy's one day-- and some chicken strips and a coke on another day. --- it's been interesting to me that my weight has not fluctuated at all from 256 over the this past week-- I did have a minor scare on Wed night when I decided to weigh myself before bed-- 261-- WHAT that's 5lbs (remember what I said about knowing my body)-- by the AM when I weighed myself again I was back down to 256-- who knows how or why this happens-- but rest assured I'm back at it this week!

Here are some photos of the ice storm-- hope you enjoy!

I WANT CUPCAKES! 256

The Spread - 256

I hit the gym last night-- same old workout but actually did some weights-- today I fell asleep and slept past the time the gym was open (7pm) so I'm going to either have to fight the possessed treadmill in the basement or walk up and down the stairs-- or something to get in some exercise yet tonight (I'll let you know tomorrow how that works out)

Anyway I did want to share with you my grocery shopping experience today! I was so excited about all of these nutritional finds/ choices I made--- I also want to share my own *special* recipe on how to make tuna salad (what I had for lunch today).

Here's a pictures of the spread-- this is literally everything I bought-- (well sans 24 rolls of tp)
HOLD UP LET ME CALL A TIME OUT TO TALK ABOUT THIS!!Has anyone ever thought about how undignified it feels to buy toilet paper--- you always have to buy at least 6 rolls-- sometimes 12 or 24-- of course the double roll kind-- today I bought the 24 rolls because I absolutely hate buying tp. 24 rolls though-- man you have to lug that into the house all by itself-- freaking huge. Especially when you're a single gal--it's like announcing to the world "hey I spend a lot of time in the bathroom". *stepping off soap box*

So here is a list of what I bought
*tuna* *propel (I like to buy the 1 liter in mixed berry flavor--- I always drink one of these at work-- and the best part is at Walmart the 1 liter sells for $1.00)*
*cherries, blueberries, green grapes* *baby spinach and Caesar salad mix* *fat free italian dressing* *light balsamic dressing* *guacamole* *tostitos chips* *pico de gallo* *greek salad mix (basically feta, onions and tomatoes)* *eggs**acai and pomegrante juice* *cottage cheese**skinny cow icecream cones (only 150 calories)**go lean cereal* *just bunches cereal* *35 calorie whole wheat bread*--- all of this came to a grand total of $71.00 ouch-- but I have to say I'm very happy with all of my choices-- (although mildly disappointed with the tostitos-- I'm having problems controlling myself to eat those in moderation)

I should mention that before I talked about using Bistro MD as my meal plan-- but I haven't really used that since about Thanksgiving-- it's making choices like those I made today--- and choosing smaller portions -- or alternatives which has really helped me succeed.

Now on to the TUNA SALAD. Incidentally for lunch @ work I've basically been buying just tuna salad for lunch (no bread)-- the tuna salad they make is awesome with cut up little red onions and celery-- very little mayo and lots of good spices-- I just fill up on that and fruit for lunches. I decided this weekend to make my own tuna salad which has had rave reviews by some friends. I want to share it with you!
The ingredients-- light miracle whip, tuna, dill pickles, guacamole, two slices of 35 calorie whole wheat bread, dill weed, seasoned salt, paprika and onion powder-- typically I also like a slice of lettuce and tomato to accompany this sandwich but the tomatoes didn't look great @ the store-- so I made due with a side of pico.

Ok so it's pretty self explanatory-- I do everything to taste--but one secret I will tell you is that you should take a tablespoon of pickle juice (yes the dill pickle juice) and add it to the tuna salad mixture-- (this is a secret from my Grandma)

I was a little disappointed with my salad today-- it's been a while since I made mine with miracle whip (sometimes I just go without it all together and add in all the spices to the tuna)-- basically I put in too much miracle whip and had to add another can of tuna-- but it still wasn't the best tuna salad I've ever made.

ANYWAY-- moving on-- I toasted the bread and slapped on some guacamole on one side-- tuna salad on the other and some pickles to the top. I want to let you know that I know guacamole isn't the BEST food -- but it does have a lot of *good fat* in it-- and this particular guacamole is 50 calories for 2 tbs and 1 gram of fat per 2 tbs-- so in perspective it's not that bad.

So here is the final product. I did add some grape tomatoes and pico on the side (but didn't take a photo). If you try it let me know what you think!!!! If I wasn't really watching what I eat I'd probably add a slice of provolone to this sandwich and call it a day!Incidentally did you notice I'm down to 256 today (yesterday I was thinking while working out-- tomorrow I'm going to weight 255-- well I didnt' get what I was hoping for but I'll still take it :o))

Cutting out the Fat and the Cancer --258

Today I continued on my 90 in 09 quest and hit the gym up for 35 minutes on the treadmill. I burned a total of 375 calories.

What I really want to tell you about is how I've decided to cut out the fat and cancer. What do I mean by that-- well I'm cutting out my fat-- I'm getting rid of the things I don't need--

When you have cancer (unless it's beyond help-- terminal) the doctors go in to cut it out. If they can't cut it out they kill your immune system to get rid of it. So that's exactly what I decided to do last night-- cut out the cancer. It's painful yes-- but I decided to completely let go of that guy-- I deleted him as a friend on myspace-- he was causing me so much anguish over telling me all of these wonderful things and then outright rejecting me for the way I looked. -- all this in turn has done is make me angry and sad at the same time-- it's been distracting and killing me softly-- so I decided to cut him out-- kill the cancer that was killing my focus-- that was killing my self esteem.

Now for the healing process-- I deserve better-- I'm more than a sparkling personality-- so much more and I don't need a cancer that makes me think or feel otherwise.

Third Time's a Charm --257

Yesterday I stuck with the idea of kicking it into high gear at the gym-- I walked for an hour and burned about 650 calories! When I got home though I started feeling really sick-- stuffy nose sick (like what I just got over about 3 or 4 days ago-- only this time much worse)

I had trouble sleeping last night-- and woke up a few times during the night. Both times I woke up with my mouth wide open and everything inside (including my esophagus) completely bone dry-- and it wasn't just bone dry it was the kind of (pardon my honesty) phlegm covered then dried out scenario.

I can't help but wonder why (since I've been working out) I've managed to be sick 3 times. The first illness came on like the flu right before Thanksgiving -- but ended up being a deep cough that lasted about 3 weeks-- I would cough so much and so hard that I would throw up-- BAD

Two weeks ago I got the common cold that hung on for a week and a half--- then last night this came on-- I can't help but wonder if this is somehow related to working out-- like maybe I'm pushing myself too hard-- or not getting enough of a certain vitamin or nutrient? Regardless I'm tired of being sick!

In spite of feeling sick I still went to the gym... I took it easy on the treadmill slower pace-- low inclination and only 35 minutes. I'm going to genuinely try and make this through-- keep with my 90 in 09 challenge and do at least 20 -30 minutes of exercise a day.

Let me share with you what I have been doing on the treadmill. I keep my pace at a steady 4mph. For the first 10 minutes I walk with no inclination. Once I hit 10 minutes in I increase the inclination to 1. Once I hit 15 minutes in I increase to 2-- 20 minutes in 2.5-- 25 minutes in 3-- 24 minutes in 3.5 inclination -- 26 minutes in 4.0-- 27 minutes in 4.5 -- 28 minutes in 5.0-- 29 minutes in 5.5-- 29.5 minutes in 6 inclination-- then from the 30-35 minute there is a cool down-- so the machine basically drops to 0 inclination and a speed of 3.2 mph to bring down my heart rate. I found this is a great progressive work out and I think I will continue on with for a while.

PS did you notice my weight went down again-- new low of 257!

90 in 09 Challenge- 259.5

I've been listening to my favorite radio station, KLOVE and kept hearing about Big Daddy Weave's goal to lose 90lb in 09. He's been documenting his journey of weight loss online and you can join him in the challenge. Basically the challenge consists of 3 daily commitments.

1) Nutrition: Recognizing that the purpose of foods I eat is to provide my body with the fuel it needs, I commit to make choices that are nutritious and appropriate in portion size.

2) Exercise: Realizing the positive impact that exercise has on my overall well being, I will spend a total of 20 - 30 minutes each day engaged in physical activity.

3)Worship: Believing that true overall health encompasses spiritual growth which comes from spending time with God, I choose to set aside time each day to be solely devoted to Him.

While admit that this is going to be challenging (especially #2) I have committed to joining in the challenge! If you too would like to join simply visit the website and sign up! They will be sending out weekly support info and the website is updated almost daily with the progress of Mike Weaver. They promise to provide helpful tips along the way as well! It seems like a simple challenge but there is a lot of commitment involved!

Today I went to the gym and really woke myself up about how half- assed my workouts have been as of late-- so I ended up on the treadmill for 70 minutes burning 630 calories and also did some weights on my thighs--- I need to start kicking it into high gear. I'm now more than ever considering hiring a personal trainer-- it just makes me nervous I guess. I mean I've already been able to loose quite a bit on my own... but I think the added support and techniques will probably help me to arrive at my goal much sooner.

Forward Forward Always Forward-- 258.5

“Forward, forward always forward.
Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.”

These are the words of General Patton. Ironically I heard them on the radio yesterday on my way home-- these words have stayed with me since I heard them-- and I need to share what I've been through.

Yesterday was awful. I got off work late with every intention of going to the gym. As I started driving home I came up with every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn't go to the gym. I could name the excuses but what it really boiled down to is that I didn't want to go. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you-- I simply didn't want to. (and yes my desire to go-- and then not go did change that quickly)

What you don't know is that my ex-fiance and I have been in communication over the past two days via email and text. All of these feelings came boiling to the surface and what I really wanted to do was run back to him-- but I know right now that is the wrong thing.

What then ensued was a long list of emotions. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt ...self pity. I felt fat. I felt ugly. I felt like nothing mattered. I didn't care about working out-- I thought about giving up.

On my way home I stopped by Q'doba (for those of you who aren't familiar it's basically Chipotle). I ordered the vegetarian burrito (rice, black beans, cheese, guacamole, sour cream, and pico) I knew this was a bad choice-- but I didn't care. I took it home-- I drank a sprite (which I never drink soda)-- it's one that was left over from when the other guy was in town. I ate the whole burrito-- then I had a "skinny cow" ice cream.

Then I sat there and felt guilty--

I was mad at guy two for rejecting me for being FAT. I was mad at myself for how I let myself go. I was mad that I didn't go to the gym that night. I was mad that I didn't control my emotions and allowed all that food to overfill my empty stomach which in turn did nothing to fill the void I was feeling. I then was sad. I upset that I would even consider running right from one guy back to the other-- and never allowing myself to grieve. The whole thing was a mess. I was a mess.

Then I remembered the quote I had heard on the radio on the way home... “Forward, forward always forward. Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.” It did mean something to me-- and I'm not just saying that. I've gone through a lot these past few months-- a lot of hurt and rejections on more than one level. Yet I look at what I've accomplished so far. I can't just give up on myself-- I can't let these emotions get in the way of my goals-- I especially can't let the food get in the way.

This morning I woke up to an email from my ex-fiance saying he can't do it-- he can't be "friends" it's causing too much turmoil-- and I guess to a certain extent I agreed. We both need to focus-- we both need to grow---

As much as I wanted to go the gym when I got off work today-- I just really didn't want to again. But with a day like yesterday and the tremendous amount of guilt I had-- I decided yesterday I had to commit to going for the rest of the week. So when I got home I went to the gym. I got on that treadclimber again (the second trial run of it) and I hit it hard with weights. When I was finished working out (which incidentally only was about 40 minutes) I couldn't believe how AWESOME I felt-- my body thanked me for working out-- I haven't felt that good after working out in a long while (probably more than a year). It wasn't that emotionally I felt better-- it was just the way my body felt. I knew then that I was doing the right thing. I've been doing the right thing. I just have to keep moving forward---- always.

It's been a tough couple of days-- I'm not going to lie-- but I'm making it through.
“Forward, forward always forward. Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.”

The Sickening Reality --259

So the good news? I'm 259 today--- so I know that I really did bust through my plateau-- down 4 lbs in 2 days-- all the more reason to continue to weigh myself daily! The bad news is this cold has come on even stronger-- I'm feeling dizzy sitting/ standing -- I keep coughing-- my nose wont stop running-- I keep sneezing--- and the medicine I'm taking (OTC) is not really making me feel any better-- to top it all off I just ran out of kleenexs and should probably go to the store but don't feel like mustering up the energy to do so-- needless to say this is another non- gym day-- and that really bums me out-- if this wasn't my second week back at work I would probably call off work tomorrow-- but seeing as it is my second week of work--- I know it looks bad to call off--so I'm just going to have to find a way to make it through :o( -- curse you rhinovirus and your little germs too!

Deflation Station --- 263

Just to let you know I'm feeling incredibly emotionally drained today! I think I've cried more in these past 3 months than I have in the past 10 years (and that's no joke).

Where to start? well---- I started getting sick yesterday-- like super runny nose sick-- it all starts with a sneeze-- then another and another and then full blown sick. I got super frustrated because I thought "great now that I'm getting on track with going to gym -- I'm going to get too sick to go" -- today I fought tooth and nail to keep this cold at bay-- I've been using zicam and popping "tylenol sinus and severe congestion" every four hours. -- I've been drinking fluids-- including OJ for a boost of vitamin C-- and avoiding dairy (cause in case you didn't know-- dairy makes congestion worse).

Regardless I drug myself to the gym... I just did a lower intensity work out but did walk for 35 minutes and do a few weights-- I figured as long as I worked out a little I'd be in better shape than sitting on the couch @ home.

Back to deflation-- I took my measurements this morning bust 43 (wait what? where are my boobs going? I knew this was bound to happen-- and I did think they looked a little deflated this morning-- hence the measurement)-- waist 39 (no change :o() and hips 51 (improved).

To top off my mood today the guy I've been talking about lost his job today-- I found this out from his sister-- and no he hasn't talked to me.. I tried to leave him some encouragement with 3 texts to his phone and a message I left on his myspace page (which he immediately deleted) -- I think I'm just going to delete him as a friend all together-- I'm feeling too emotional about everything-- and part of me feels like he just needs space to work through his issues with his grandmas and with losing his job and another part of me thinks I've just got the message loud and clear.

What I have decided is that I'm just going to sit here being single (although being disatsified about the thought of it)-- I need time to get over these last two guys-- and time to focus on my weight loss goals-- I think I'm getting sick because I'm stressed out about just starting my new job-- the guys-- and my impatience with losing weight-- and forcing myself to the gym every day-- I just need to focus.

At the suggestion of a lot of comments I'm going to try and get some updated pictures up-- I also wanted to share that I used the "virtual me" to see the difference in weight loss from where I'm at today to where I want to be.-- maybe if I get super amitious tomorrow I will get my friend to take pics of me in similar poses so we can compare the "virtual me" to the real me.

Chasing the Babe --264

So I bet you thought since I didn't post yesterday-- I didn't work out-- well if you thought that shame on you-- I DID work out yesterday and today-- in fact I've been working out straight since Sunday-- and I plan to go right on through Sunday. Yesterday I did 35 minutes on the treadmill and an intense lifting regimen-- hitting abs, thighs, back, shoulders, triceps and biceps. Today I hit the treadmill for 50 minutes (I found a machine @ the gym they hadn't manipulated to only allow for a 30 minutes work out) -- ok so I felt a little bit guilty hogging the treadmill for 50 minutes-- but I figured I was up for it and after this week deserved an few extra minutes! -- I also did a few weights (only about 10 minutes worth-- but proud of it nonetheless)-- note to self-- second treadmill from the door is now my perfered machine!

When I was walking for those 50 minutes-- I remembered a conversation I had with my oil painting professor a few years ago. He told me to work out he likes to run-- and how he motivates himself is he imagines himself in his prime-- the best he could ever look-- all muscular and suave--- well his "perfect" self is running in front of him-- and all he has to do is catch up to become that person--- I have to admit I laughed at the thought of this--- chasing myself in unbelievable shape--- the kind of shape that turns even the girls heads--- but I can't help but think how effective that strategy is! I often think (since I've always been overweight) how easy my journey would be if I just knew what I would look like @ 175 lbs-- if I knew what I was working for-- how I'd look-- how I'd feel--- I would be so much motivated since I wouldn't be able to stand the wait! I think at this point it's such a foreign thought I have a hard time picturing myself in it for the long haul-- especially when I start plateauing like I have these past two weeks.

Speaking of plateauing-- I remember when I hit a plateau before for about 3 weeks-- and then over night I lost 12 lbs-- literally overnight I did-- I was so amazed and thought "where did all that weight go while I was sleeping?" Our bodies really are incredible! I find solace in the fact that I know I'm doing all I can -- and since I'm doing all I can -- regardless of what the scale is saying I know it's paying off.

Relentlessly chasing the Babe-- one day at a time.

A Victory-- A Defeat and a Baker's Dozen worth of Excuses 263.5

So-- my second day back at work-- I work 9:30 - 6pm (this is going to be my new schedule)-- We had some bad weather today so getting into work -- and getting home was a challenge. I realized I probably should go to the store to pick up some basic things (but mainly a supply of propel to drink at work)--while in there I saw a package of 4 HUGE triple chocolate chunk cookies on the "oops we baked too much" rack--- I scurried to pick them up and paraded around the store selecting fruit etc... those cookies kept eying me-- and I kept eying them...I kept scolding myself for even picking them up-- but then backing it up with "well you have been working out really hard" -- on my way to the check out-- I just finally challenged myself and said "you don't need those cookies--- you don't even want those cookies-- this will only set you back -- do you want the cookie-- or to loose weight more?" I pulled the cart over to one side grabbed the cookies-- took a good long stare and placed them on the shelf-- to me that was a huge victory!

By the time I got out of there it was 7:30pm -- on the way home I texted the boy I talked about in the first blog (the one that decided he wanted to be single but I still didn't know where we stood)-- I said "I'm not really sure exactly where we stand anymore.,.. but I miss you"---

By the time I got home it was 8-- I was tired and in no mood to go to the gym-- then I started thinking about the cookies and how I put those down.. and how I went to the gym yesterday-- and I kept trying to make an excuse as to why I shouldn't go-- but in reality-- I knew better-- there is absolutely nothing -- NOTHING that should keep me from the gym tonight (aside from the fact I just spend the last 8 hours sitting in a cubical-- all the more reason why I absolutely needed to go).

So I got dressed and hopped in my car-- about 2 minutes from the gym I hear I just got a text message-- I looked down and could see it was a long one-- I knew it was from him and decided--- I just have to get to the gym then I can look .... well once I pulled in I read it "I've been doing some serious thought about my situation-- I think it's best that we stay friends--with everything that's going on" -- well there I was dressed to work out-- sitting in the parking lot of the gym-- not wanting to work out even more -- I texted him back " I felt like you weren't interested when you were in town-- I think we both anticipated things to have gone differently.. I'm not really 100 % sure why that is-- but I think I have a good idea.. we can be friends.. or not be friends... it's up to you" I then stuck my phone in the console-- and went in to work out-- I did 35 minutes on the treadmill and decided to go home without doing weights. I went outside to the car to see if I got a response from him-- and there wasn't one.

I got the "friends" speech from him. I decided that I also have given my body the "friends" speech. We're not going anywhere--there's no romance left... sayonara baby!-- don't get me wrong.. I love myself-- I love me... it's all this padding I hate! I'm conducting an outright civil war-- excuses, emotions, temptations-- I've overcome you today-- one calorie, one day, one pound at a time.