243 -- FREE HUGS

I really like the song "As Long as You're Here" by the Sick Puppies-- so much so I tagged it on my iphone (it does this neat thing where you can use an application to identify any song you hear-- you just have to ask it to listen to it)-- anyway I looked up the song/ video on YouTube. What I came across was actually the Free Hugs campaign which is put to this song! Please watch the attached video.. but I wanted to give you a brief synopsis and then talk a little about it as well.

Basically the video starts out with a John Lenon looking guy with a sign that states "FREE HUGS"-- it starts out with a bunch of people ignoring him and darting past him. We all know we've dodged a few "weirdos" out in public before. As the video progresses it shows people starting to hug him-- then more and more hugs come-- then other people participate with their own signs. Eventually the cops come and shut the whole thing down-- they are banned from giving away free hugs! So what happens in turn actually is really emotional for me-- all of these people ban together and start a petition to override the ban on free hugs! They are able to acquire 10,000 signatures (which is what they need to remove the ban) and then everyone celebrates with a hug. The video completes with a bunch of people hugging.

What I find so great/ intriguing/ emotional about this is the theory behind it! Our society has become so detached from one another-- where we'd rather blog to people we don't know than actually talk to someone we do know! Our society has become so interconnected with "social networks" like facebook, myspace, friendster, linkedin -- but what we're lacking is the physicality-- is the actual face to face *I care about you*. On any one of these social networks I can silently keep up with my friend-- but that's just it.. it's SILENT. I can't tell that ANYONE cares for me because I don't know they are "checking in with me"-- what a shame this is really!

There was a study done that showed that in order for a person to be emotionally happy/ fulfilled they need to feel connected with other people--- connected PHYSICALLY! They found that we need to be touched 7 times daily to be emotionally content (touching-- as simple as someone patting you on the shoulder or grabbing your arm) 7 times! Isn't that amazing.. I sit back and think about that-- and the truth is-- I go days.. even weeks sometimes without touching anyone! When I really start to think about that-- it's absurd-- but completely the truth!-- I'm physically anemic in a severe way when it comes to physical contact with people-- and I'm sure many of you are the same way!

I think that's why this video is so amazing to me! Once people became open to the idea of touch-- they were willing to fight for it. How ridiculous is it that our society has become so "anti- touch" that something as innocent as a free hug would be looked upon as strange-- and such a publicly menacing thing that it had to not only be stopped but BANNED from occurring!

Anyway-- those are my thoughts--- enjoy the video-- and reach out and touch someone today! I'm going to virtually hug all of you now-- lol but remember that doesn't count towards anyone's 7 a day :o)

Forward Forward Always Forward-- 258.5

“Forward, forward always forward.
Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.”

These are the words of General Patton. Ironically I heard them on the radio yesterday on my way home-- these words have stayed with me since I heard them-- and I need to share what I've been through.

Yesterday was awful. I got off work late with every intention of going to the gym. As I started driving home I came up with every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn't go to the gym. I could name the excuses but what it really boiled down to is that I didn't want to go. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you-- I simply didn't want to. (and yes my desire to go-- and then not go did change that quickly)

What you don't know is that my ex-fiance and I have been in communication over the past two days via email and text. All of these feelings came boiling to the surface and what I really wanted to do was run back to him-- but I know right now that is the wrong thing.

What then ensued was a long list of emotions. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt ...self pity. I felt fat. I felt ugly. I felt like nothing mattered. I didn't care about working out-- I thought about giving up.

On my way home I stopped by Q'doba (for those of you who aren't familiar it's basically Chipotle). I ordered the vegetarian burrito (rice, black beans, cheese, guacamole, sour cream, and pico) I knew this was a bad choice-- but I didn't care. I took it home-- I drank a sprite (which I never drink soda)-- it's one that was left over from when the other guy was in town. I ate the whole burrito-- then I had a "skinny cow" ice cream.

Then I sat there and felt guilty--

I was mad at guy two for rejecting me for being FAT. I was mad at myself for how I let myself go. I was mad that I didn't go to the gym that night. I was mad that I didn't control my emotions and allowed all that food to overfill my empty stomach which in turn did nothing to fill the void I was feeling. I then was sad. I upset that I would even consider running right from one guy back to the other-- and never allowing myself to grieve. The whole thing was a mess. I was a mess.

Then I remembered the quote I had heard on the radio on the way home... “Forward, forward always forward. Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.” It did mean something to me-- and I'm not just saying that. I've gone through a lot these past few months-- a lot of hurt and rejections on more than one level. Yet I look at what I've accomplished so far. I can't just give up on myself-- I can't let these emotions get in the way of my goals-- I especially can't let the food get in the way.

This morning I woke up to an email from my ex-fiance saying he can't do it-- he can't be "friends" it's causing too much turmoil-- and I guess to a certain extent I agreed. We both need to focus-- we both need to grow---

As much as I wanted to go the gym when I got off work today-- I just really didn't want to again. But with a day like yesterday and the tremendous amount of guilt I had-- I decided yesterday I had to commit to going for the rest of the week. So when I got home I went to the gym. I got on that treadclimber again (the second trial run of it) and I hit it hard with weights. When I was finished working out (which incidentally only was about 40 minutes) I couldn't believe how AWESOME I felt-- my body thanked me for working out-- I haven't felt that good after working out in a long while (probably more than a year). It wasn't that emotionally I felt better-- it was just the way my body felt. I knew then that I was doing the right thing. I've been doing the right thing. I just have to keep moving forward---- always.

It's been a tough couple of days-- I'm not going to lie-- but I'm making it through.
“Forward, forward always forward. Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.”

Deflation Station --- 263

Just to let you know I'm feeling incredibly emotionally drained today! I think I've cried more in these past 3 months than I have in the past 10 years (and that's no joke).

Where to start? well---- I started getting sick yesterday-- like super runny nose sick-- it all starts with a sneeze-- then another and another and then full blown sick. I got super frustrated because I thought "great now that I'm getting on track with going to gym -- I'm going to get too sick to go" -- today I fought tooth and nail to keep this cold at bay-- I've been using zicam and popping "tylenol sinus and severe congestion" every four hours. -- I've been drinking fluids-- including OJ for a boost of vitamin C-- and avoiding dairy (cause in case you didn't know-- dairy makes congestion worse).

Regardless I drug myself to the gym... I just did a lower intensity work out but did walk for 35 minutes and do a few weights-- I figured as long as I worked out a little I'd be in better shape than sitting on the couch @ home.

Back to deflation-- I took my measurements this morning bust 43 (wait what? where are my boobs going? I knew this was bound to happen-- and I did think they looked a little deflated this morning-- hence the measurement)-- waist 39 (no change :o() and hips 51 (improved).

To top off my mood today the guy I've been talking about lost his job today-- I found this out from his sister-- and no he hasn't talked to me.. I tried to leave him some encouragement with 3 texts to his phone and a message I left on his myspace page (which he immediately deleted) -- I think I'm just going to delete him as a friend all together-- I'm feeling too emotional about everything-- and part of me feels like he just needs space to work through his issues with his grandmas and with losing his job and another part of me thinks I've just got the message loud and clear.

What I have decided is that I'm just going to sit here being single (although being disatsified about the thought of it)-- I need time to get over these last two guys-- and time to focus on my weight loss goals-- I think I'm getting sick because I'm stressed out about just starting my new job-- the guys-- and my impatience with losing weight-- and forcing myself to the gym every day-- I just need to focus.

At the suggestion of a lot of comments I'm going to try and get some updated pictures up-- I also wanted to share that I used the "virtual me" to see the difference in weight loss from where I'm at today to where I want to be.-- maybe if I get super amitious tomorrow I will get my friend to take pics of me in similar poses so we can compare the "virtual me" to the real me.