Swallowed by Insecurities-- 245

This was a photo from my vacation-- In case it's hard to make out.. it's me in a sharks mouth. I thought I was being funny-- but when I saw the photos.. I felt like I was being swallowed whole by my insecurities and not the shark head @ the Birch aquarium.

After 50 lbs lost (well you can see I'm up a few lbs at the moment-- I think that's water weight but we'll see in a day or two)-- ANYWAY after 50lbs lost-- I'm really starting to notice the permanent damage I did to my body-- particularly stretched out-- stretch marked skin. I find this especially noticeable in my arms! My inner arms are covered in stretch marks.. which as I lose weight has transformed into flabby flaps. -- This coupled with the "gut" I've acquired that still doesn't want to move (I've lost 1 inch on my gut-- compared with the 5 inches I've lost on my chest, the 8 inches on my waist and the 6 inches on my hips)-- that belly won't go away-- it's incredibly frustrating-- and unattractive. Before I gained all this extra weight I always had a pretty flat stomach-- even @ 220 lbs my stomach remained flat-- now that the fat is on there it is refusing to budge.-- and finally my chest. -- I've gone down a cup size (well on one side I have HAHAH!)-- my one boob tends to want to pop out of my cup-- on the other side it's a little smaller (which I know is normal-- but it's annoying and again unattractive to me.)

I'm having a really hard time coping with this change. I mean it's awesome that I'm taking control and losing weight.. but it's terrifying! (see previous blog)-- and it's frustrating to me that I look like a fat person who has lost weight.. instead of a person who has always been *this weight*. I'm normally very self-confident-- but I was just so overcome with this while on vacation-- I'm scared to see what my final body looks like-- I know.. I just need to take it one day at a time.. but it's hard! I'm struggling. I want to lose weight but I'm having a hard time motivating myself. *sigh* anyway I just wanted to share what's on my mind.

240.0 There's no Graceful Way to Hike Up Your Pants

As the summer is upon us I'm stuck in a bit of a dilemma as I pull my summer wardrobe out I'm noticing that NONE of my clothes fit me! This is awesome, annoying and terrifying all at the same time! Especially since I haven't been required to wear dress pants to work for the past month (we were allowed to wear jeans if we donated to Ronald McDonald House). Anyway, after having not had to wear dress pants for a month I come back to find that all of them are too big! They seem to fit ok when I leave the house but I notice that as I walk they slide further and further down my hips causing an immense case of "droopy butt syndrome" (Where it looks like I'm wearing or diaper.. or perhaps like I *should* have been wearing one). This also has brought to mind the fact that there is no graceful or attractive way to hike up your pants. I'm having to constantly pull and yank them up after sitting, while walking etc. The worst part is that not even my belt is remotely snug anymore.

Why is this terrifying you may be asking? Isn't it great that none of my clothes fit because that marks real change? Well not entirely! You see I've been a size 20 for as long as I remember (I even remember being a size 20 in 5th grade when I was excited that they actually made Levi's in a size 20 that didn't have an elastic waistband). Honestly, that was like the most exciting day of my life because I could wear a brand that everyone else was wearing-- but that's an entire different story.

Back on track. Why is this terrifying? Well you see since I've been the same size my entire adult life and beyond.. I have clothes... I have a TON of clothes actually that I've been able to accumulate over the years. My sense of style has always been unique because limited to the "plus sized department" and a few key stores like Lane Bryant, I've had to rely on a keen sense of matching things that fit with contrasting colors. I've had to search through all the trash that's out there to find a few items I truly love-- nothing that screams "plus sized department"-- things that fit in enough but are outside the box of the normal fashion realm. Throughout the years I've been complimented on my style (which honestly developed with a bit of effort but really out of my necessity to not be viewed as the token fat girl).

So the fact that my clothes don't fit-- well that's scary! I'm going to have to venture out and not only financially commit to a whole new wardrobe but also I'm faced with the fact that I won't be able to shop in the stores I've been so accustomed to. As I lose more and more weight it's going to open the doors to many MANY new stores. I'm going to have to put more effort into keeping and developing my sense of style. I'm going to have to seriously hunt for things I truly love and not just buy things because I now fit into them. I'm going to have to be careful not to overspend on items for the same reason! The entire situation is daunting already and I'm not even there!

I never expected to have this sense of insecurity before. I want to hit my goal weight so bad! I really do.. but I'm starting to get intimidated! Not only for the clothes reason (which sounds so materialistic and stupid) but also from the aspect of the men department! I've already had so many issues with men in my life.. I know as I continue to lose weight I'm going to have more men approach me.. and not only approach me but more men coming at me for the WRONG reasons. I need to be careful as I've been redirecting my focus from yet another failed relationship (which I've been careful not to mention on here-- ).

I'm spending this time redirecting my focus from men.. re-focusing my attention to working out/ losing weight-- re-focusing my thoughts and actions toward my friends and family and God.. and just trying to keep my head on straight. This is tough! I can't believe how none of these things really came to mind before! But I guess there was something so poignant about hitting the 50lbs lost mark that really had me thinking. This entire process has really been amazing. It really has. I'm excited to see where this will take me in the next few months.

239!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's time to celebrate because I weighed myself this morning and it turns out I have officially lost 50lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!