Drum Roll Please! 198.8

GUESS WHAT?!?! this is what I saw when I weighed myself this morning. I know I haven't been blogging.. but I still have been striving towards my goals... this was such a HUGE goal for me.. and I can't remember the last time I was under 200lbs.. but I think it was probably about 6th grade! that's pretty amazing! I was excited.. but honestly forgot about it until around lunch when I again thought "wow" and then thought.. "huh I don't really feel any different" like I expected that the world would change or I'd suddenly be the most breath taking woman in the world LOL. regardless 90.2lbs total weight loss is a big number.. and something I'm proud of-- only 23.8lbs more until my goal weight of 175lbs.. where I'll assess if I want to continue to lose weight or simply be happy where I'm at there :o) thanks for sharing in the good news of this big day with me :o)

P.S. I never realized how "fat" my feet look-- I have a wide foot and apparently my toes are spreading and getting twisty.. lol here's to almost being 30!

Phantom Fat!

I heard on the radio that there is a "disease" called phantom fat. This is really the same idea as a phantom limb (where people who have lost limbs still have phantom feelings for that leg, where it may seem to itch or hurt etc as if the limb were still there). Well the idea of the phantom fat is that even after people lose weight they still perceive themselves to actually be fat-- you worry about all the same things that you used to when you were over weight, like knocking things over, being too heavy to sit on certain things, thinking you can't fit into clothes, being too wide to fit in seats etc. They said that this "phantom fat" typically occurs in people who have either lost significant weight in short period of time (typically those who have had bariactric surgery) or people who have simply been overweight for a long time.

This makes me wonder if I might actually have this when all is said and done. Even now I don't really see that much of a difference in myself from where I started. Having been overweight my entire life--- I wonder how I will perceive myself when I hit my goal weight (which I've never weighed that little in my entire adult life). Not that phantom fat is really a serious matter it's just really being accustomed to how your body has functioned for a long time.

In this same news report they said that people who have lost weight are actually more self-conscious or self-aware than people who are overweight that have never attempted to lose weight. I think it's also interesting that they stated people who have lost a lot of weight are also more conscious of what they look like than people are in thin. I would probably assume this has a lot to do with being aware of what you look like now and what you looked like THEN. Looking at where I'm at when I hit my goal weight and comparing that to what I looked like at my heaviest is motivation enough to keep going to the gym and make sure I keep the weight off!

240.0 There's no Graceful Way to Hike Up Your Pants

As the summer is upon us I'm stuck in a bit of a dilemma as I pull my summer wardrobe out I'm noticing that NONE of my clothes fit me! This is awesome, annoying and terrifying all at the same time! Especially since I haven't been required to wear dress pants to work for the past month (we were allowed to wear jeans if we donated to Ronald McDonald House). Anyway, after having not had to wear dress pants for a month I come back to find that all of them are too big! They seem to fit ok when I leave the house but I notice that as I walk they slide further and further down my hips causing an immense case of "droopy butt syndrome" (Where it looks like I'm wearing or diaper.. or perhaps like I *should* have been wearing one). This also has brought to mind the fact that there is no graceful or attractive way to hike up your pants. I'm having to constantly pull and yank them up after sitting, while walking etc. The worst part is that not even my belt is remotely snug anymore.

Why is this terrifying you may be asking? Isn't it great that none of my clothes fit because that marks real change? Well not entirely! You see I've been a size 20 for as long as I remember (I even remember being a size 20 in 5th grade when I was excited that they actually made Levi's in a size 20 that didn't have an elastic waistband). Honestly, that was like the most exciting day of my life because I could wear a brand that everyone else was wearing-- but that's an entire different story.

Back on track. Why is this terrifying? Well you see since I've been the same size my entire adult life and beyond.. I have clothes... I have a TON of clothes actually that I've been able to accumulate over the years. My sense of style has always been unique because limited to the "plus sized department" and a few key stores like Lane Bryant, I've had to rely on a keen sense of matching things that fit with contrasting colors. I've had to search through all the trash that's out there to find a few items I truly love-- nothing that screams "plus sized department"-- things that fit in enough but are outside the box of the normal fashion realm. Throughout the years I've been complimented on my style (which honestly developed with a bit of effort but really out of my necessity to not be viewed as the token fat girl).

So the fact that my clothes don't fit-- well that's scary! I'm going to have to venture out and not only financially commit to a whole new wardrobe but also I'm faced with the fact that I won't be able to shop in the stores I've been so accustomed to. As I lose more and more weight it's going to open the doors to many MANY new stores. I'm going to have to put more effort into keeping and developing my sense of style. I'm going to have to seriously hunt for things I truly love and not just buy things because I now fit into them. I'm going to have to be careful not to overspend on items for the same reason! The entire situation is daunting already and I'm not even there!

I never expected to have this sense of insecurity before. I want to hit my goal weight so bad! I really do.. but I'm starting to get intimidated! Not only for the clothes reason (which sounds so materialistic and stupid) but also from the aspect of the men department! I've already had so many issues with men in my life.. I know as I continue to lose weight I'm going to have more men approach me.. and not only approach me but more men coming at me for the WRONG reasons. I need to be careful as I've been redirecting my focus from yet another failed relationship (which I've been careful not to mention on here-- ).

I'm spending this time redirecting my focus from men.. re-focusing my attention to working out/ losing weight-- re-focusing my thoughts and actions toward my friends and family and God.. and just trying to keep my head on straight. This is tough! I can't believe how none of these things really came to mind before! But I guess there was something so poignant about hitting the 50lbs lost mark that really had me thinking. This entire process has really been amazing. It really has. I'm excited to see where this will take me in the next few months.