Monday, January 5, 2009

261.5 -- I swallowed my guilt whole.

Thinking back on how I actually gained 56lbs in the past 2 years-- I think it really had a lot to do with the guilt I had surrounding my relationship. I think when you start to bury feelings and thoughts deep down inside--- it starts to grow roots into all aspects of your life. -- it's as if I had a redwood protruding out of my chest-- just so vast and immensely unfathomable to deal with. Once I started swallowing that guilt whole-- it just festered in my gut. I think that's why I'm feeling so liberated discussing things like my weight so openly now --- it's something that's always been there lurking in the shadows-- but there's no need to do that anymore. When you stop fearing the monster under the bed enough to actually lift up the covers and look him in the eye-- you realize you've been fearing an old sneaker and waded up sweater from 1982.

Does anyone else see a similar correlation in their life?

Today was my first day back @ work (after having been laid off for 3 months) -- I'm incredibly sore from yesterday's work out and almost decided not to go the gym tonight. Instead I decided to work through the pain-- I convinced myself to do just 35 minutes on the treadmill--- I walked slower today @ 3.7 mph but with an inclination that I started @ 4.5 and moved up to 6-- it was tough! After that I did convince myself to do some weights as well.. sometimes it's so hard to motivate myself.. but if I tackle it one item at a time-- I can often convince myself to do "just one more" exercise or "just 5 more minutes" -- I think this is a lot like how I have to approach my weight loss-- one calorie-- one day-- one pound at a time.

1 comment:

  1. Wow - rock on! First, congrats on confronting the smelly sweater under your bed (ok, you didn't say smelly, but that was the image I got)! I know that feeling, but I couldn't put it quite so well. It took me awhile to move from the guilt when I saw pictures at my current weight to hope that I don't have to stay that way. I still fall back into that festering guilt sometimes, but I'm working to spend more time feeling hope. Second, congrats on getting back to work and not letting the change in schedule disrupt your fitness goals. I'm currently (insert - desperately) looking for a job and am nervous about being able to keep up my weight loss efforts once I actually get one. Third, Hi! I'm FitBethlin - found your blog on the JohnisFit recommended new blogs.

    Good luck and keep going, 5 min at a time!

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