Monday, May 3, 2010

221- Memoirs of a Fat Chick

At work today was my company's "annual Holiday"-- the day typically has games for people to play (like corn hole) and free lunch.

This years was a little different, it was short on the games but high on the food because my managers decided to do a "food day" in protest of the "hot dog or hamburger" the "Bistro" was offering. To top things off they decided we should have breakfast too (free food! YAY)

Breakfast started out ok with 1/2 glass of OJ, a piece of homemade quiche, fruit and half of a cinnamon crunch bagel (the bottom half-- I would have gone for a full bagel but I was only interested in the cinnamon crunch bagel-- and there was only a half of one left!) between breakfast and lunch I also had a cup of sprite.

This leads me to lunch. Now there is a guy on our team who's Dad LOVES to make cheesecake (which is always a plain cheesecake) at my request his dad made a chocolate cheesecake (my fav) to accompany the regular cheesecake. -- so you better believe I had a slice of that-- followed by a brat with ketchup and relish, a cup of pasta salad and washed down with yet another sprite.

Here comes the kicker-- they gave away cupcakes later in the day-- I messed up the time and didn't get one-- here comes in my memory of being fat-- I knew I was full. I ate PLENTY of calories (especially with the chocolate cheesecake) and I couldn't help but feel devistated that I missed out on a cupcake. I started thinking to myself "why doesn't my company order enough for at least one cupcake per person working" I started wondering how many people had taken 2-- how DARE they take MY cupcake. AS if this wasn't bad enough-- I found out that they were having cupcakes for people on second shift (which overlaps my shift) and went down and got a cupcake right before i left. Walking back to my desk from the Bistro was like a walk of shame as I passed people who intimately know of my journey to lose weight and my boss who said "you're having a cupcake after cheesecake? you guys are killing me!!!" (she's trying to lose weight too), It felt a little shameful as I felt the urge to hide it from people what I was doing, but you better believe I scarfed it down too.

Am I ashamed? Well I guess not really--but it was disturbing to go into protective mode over food-- i hadn't been that way in a long time. And deep down I knew what I was doing was "wrong" . Do you ever get that way? Ultimately it's just a reminder of "this is why you're fat" -- not being able to control that urge to protect and then consume what is "rightfully" mine.

I had planned on going to the gym tonight to try and work off some of the food I just ate-- but I don't have the desire to right now. My workout schedule has been crazy (practically non-existent) because I was so intently looking for a house --which actually fell through too. I need to get back on the bandwagon-- I have still lost some weight-- just not very quickly-- and I'm currently in 2nd place for the biggest loser @ work (which ends in June) -- I'm only down about .25% behind the 1st place person-- BUT the pot is split 50/50 between the 2 biggest losers so I still have a good chance as long as I start getting myself in gear.