221- Memoirs of a Fat Chick

At work today was my company's "annual Holiday"-- the day typically has games for people to play (like corn hole) and free lunch.

This years was a little different, it was short on the games but high on the food because my managers decided to do a "food day" in protest of the "hot dog or hamburger" the "Bistro" was offering. To top things off they decided we should have breakfast too (free food! YAY)

Breakfast started out ok with 1/2 glass of OJ, a piece of homemade quiche, fruit and half of a cinnamon crunch bagel (the bottom half-- I would have gone for a full bagel but I was only interested in the cinnamon crunch bagel-- and there was only a half of one left!) between breakfast and lunch I also had a cup of sprite.

This leads me to lunch. Now there is a guy on our team who's Dad LOVES to make cheesecake (which is always a plain cheesecake) at my request his dad made a chocolate cheesecake (my fav) to accompany the regular cheesecake. -- so you better believe I had a slice of that-- followed by a brat with ketchup and relish, a cup of pasta salad and washed down with yet another sprite.

Here comes the kicker-- they gave away cupcakes later in the day-- I messed up the time and didn't get one-- here comes in my memory of being fat-- I knew I was full. I ate PLENTY of calories (especially with the chocolate cheesecake) and I couldn't help but feel devistated that I missed out on a cupcake. I started thinking to myself "why doesn't my company order enough for at least one cupcake per person working" I started wondering how many people had taken 2-- how DARE they take MY cupcake. AS if this wasn't bad enough-- I found out that they were having cupcakes for people on second shift (which overlaps my shift) and went down and got a cupcake right before i left. Walking back to my desk from the Bistro was like a walk of shame as I passed people who intimately know of my journey to lose weight and my boss who said "you're having a cupcake after cheesecake? you guys are killing me!!!" (she's trying to lose weight too), It felt a little shameful as I felt the urge to hide it from people what I was doing, but you better believe I scarfed it down too.

Am I ashamed? Well I guess not really--but it was disturbing to go into protective mode over food-- i hadn't been that way in a long time. And deep down I knew what I was doing was "wrong" . Do you ever get that way? Ultimately it's just a reminder of "this is why you're fat" -- not being able to control that urge to protect and then consume what is "rightfully" mine.

I had planned on going to the gym tonight to try and work off some of the food I just ate-- but I don't have the desire to right now. My workout schedule has been crazy (practically non-existent) because I was so intently looking for a house --which actually fell through too. I need to get back on the bandwagon-- I have still lost some weight-- just not very quickly-- and I'm currently in 2nd place for the biggest loser @ work (which ends in June) -- I'm only down about .25% behind the 1st place person-- BUT the pot is split 50/50 between the 2 biggest losers so I still have a good chance as long as I start getting myself in gear.

I Don't Feel Sorry for Fat People 224.5

Time for a slight rant.

Basically the job I have right now.. I'm overworked, overqualified and drastically underpaid. I took the first job I could after getting laid off and it happened to be paying literally half what I was making. My job is basically to read every complaint that comes into our bank-- this includes FED, BBB and general senior management complaints. What has this job taught me? It's taught me to be pretty cynical about everything. Most of all it's really taught me that NO ONE will take responsibility for their own actions.

Case in point. You spend more money than what is in your account-- this is the banks fault-- the reasoning is "online information is not as up to date" -- (among many other complaints) this makes the bank "greedy" and "predatory" when you are charged a fee-- and since we were "bailed out" the customer needs a bail out as well. Here are my 3 points about this a) if you were spending money with cash you would have RAN OUT! you spent the money! you spent more than you had-- so guess what that's your fault! b) if you kept a check book register while using your debit card you would have known you were going over your current balance. c) here's news.. yes it's "bail out money" that, yes came from tax payers (which I am one of them) BUT this is not free money.. this is a loan from the government that has to be paid back with interest.. so it's not a free for all on money.. no matter how you cut it the bank is taking a loss and you are not entitled to it.

So where this brings me. You have to be responsible for yourself. I have to realize that I got to 289lbs because of what I chose to put in my mouth. I can sit around and argue that someone else was feeding me-- or that I was under pressure or stress which made me eat more-- but bottom line is no one force fed me those high calorie foods-- no one made me sit on the couch for hours on end.. there are all sorts of people with stress but some choose to exercise or talk with someone rather than eat.-- we all have struggles-- weaknesses-- it's how we choose to deal with them.

I see all these overweight people at my work.. I used to feel sorry for them thinking "oh they must have a story" -- I don't feel that way anymore because I was 289 and said "this is stupid I've had it" and I did something about it! I stopped eating like a pig-- I started the cathartic process of talking about my feelings and emotions (including this blog) I started counting calories and watching what I ate and most of all I got off the couch and started working out. There is no excuse-- you may have a bad back or bad knees (me)-- BUT I can choose to take the stairs instead of the elevator.. or lift tiny weights while watching TV-- or volunteer to take things to other departments while at work-- OR EVEN bounce my leg while working.

I don't have sympathy anymore.. it's simple math-- get it together-- make up your mind and do it.. keep a check book ledger and don't spend more "calories" than you have in your bank account. Stop blaming it on someone else-- stop trying to take the easy way out and doing crash diets or taking pills or even doing surgery. No one else is responsible for you or your actions but YOU. You don't have to be fat, you just choose to be-- if you don't like it.. get pissed and do something about it.. I did.

Don't Scare me Valentine!! 227.5

Happy Valentine's Day! Since I'm single I had nothing better to do tonight than to post a couple of creepy food related vintage Valentine's Day Cards. Enjoy!

A Little Nutty 228.5

A little nutty, a little fruity-- what more could you ask for? I came across this "breakfast blend" trail mix a couple of weeks ago! It's so incredibly yummy and satisfies my morning snack.. and 240 calories (for a HUGE bag) it continues the nut/ fruit theme for the morning and further boosts the metabolism with a touch of protein.

The store has 4 of 5 different varieties of these breakfast trail mixes-- I've only tried this variety-- but have toyed with the idea of the tropical fruit and berry blend. This pack has dried applies, granola, walnuts, almonds and cranberries, yogurt covered rasins-- very delish (even if I do say so myself) the one thing I wasn't crazy about is the box shows the calories but doesn't do a great job of indicating there are 2 servings per bag-- if you're going to give me a little pouch-- just count it as one serving! (pet peeve)

Anyway this helps me continue my great start to the day-- 6 bags for nearly $4-- not bad.

Smooth out the Start of your Day 229.5

As promised here is the first of a few "diet" foods I find utterly delicious. Every morning for the past 4 weeks or so I've been having a smoothie for breakfast. I've been using Yoplait Smoothie blends-- I especially like the strawberry, mango and pineapple -- The directions call for the entire bag and 1 cup of skim milk (this is 2 servings). Since I'm a single gal I only make half the bag and put 1 cup of Light Vanilla soy milk (I've been switching around brands but find that the Silk brand *with the vanilla taste* to be the best)-- by using a whole cup of soy milk I'm making my smoothie thin enough to drink directly from the cup -- and to be honest if you only used half a cup of milk or *given liquid* you can barely get it to come out of the blender. Now for an added diet boost I've been putting a shot of Acai Berry juice (I use Genesis-- a little pricey around $7.00/ bottle-- BUT I'm still on my first bottle and I've been making these for a month) it-- all in all this works out to be exactly 16oz and around 200 calories.

Now my brother is also on a diet and he actually buys the individual frozen fruits-- he's trying to stick with fruits high in anti-oxidants such as blueberries -- he'll blend about 4 fruits (all in 4 oz increments *he actually bought a digital scale to weigh it out*-- he also uses soy milk and a shot of Acai or pomegranate juice-- his is less expensive to make overall (and since it's twice the size of mine ends up being 400 calories)-- I found that I like the yoplait for the chunks of yogurt they have in there already-- it just takes less effort and in my opinion tastes better. -- honestly the yoplait smoothie is not that expensive. The 2 serving bag runs about $2.60-- soy milk runs around $3.00 so for a daily cost it's about $1.75.

What's great about a smoothie in the morning is it's less mess, I can drink it while I'm getting ready for work.. takes literally 1 minute to prepare-- AND boosts my metabolism with the fruit. Next post will be what my AM snack is.. and it's super yummy! Stay tuned. :o)

OH update on the biggest loser-- even though I've "Gained" 1.4 pounds this week (which honestly I think is water weight) I'm still in 1st place! that's 1st place 3 weeks in a row! Yay!

Violet Colored Glasses 228.5

So here is my "new look".. I started noticing my right eye is super blurry recently.. especially at night after work. The reason this is/ was concerning is that my right eye has an astigmatism AND has had the retina detach and reattach itself before. When I went to the eye doctor-- sure enough my eyesight had gone from nearly perfect 20/20 to about 20/40-- which means that although I had glasses BEFORE -- I could wear them when I "wanted to" or "needed to"-- which was a nice fashion statement from time to time. This time around it was suggested I start wearing glasses all the time (and I can really tell now when I go to the gym how bad my eyesight is without my glasses.. granted 20/40 is not super bad vision.. but there is a noticeable difference in sharpness)

So since I'm an artist I went out on a limb with some dark purple glasses with the light purple on the edges of the face of the glasses (it's kind of a lilac purplely marble look)-- it never really occurred to me before.. but I guess purple really is a neutral.. it can be warn with pretty much ANY color-- although I wouldn't really choose red to wear with it--but I could (and look like a huge valentine).

Anyway.. what do you guys think? I LOVE them for glasses.. I think I'd still rather not have to wear glasses period.. and I'm not brave enough to try contacts yet. They are Prada-- I also have a pair of red and black Ray Ban's..not that labels mean much to me-- but I'm noticing I have a thing for frames made in Italy (or is it just all frames are made in Italy.. who knows?)

We had a big snow storm here today-- I thought I'd be able to make it the gym up until the moment I got off the exit by my house and realized the roads were covered in slush that was turning to ice and and there were no plows in sight. I figured better safe the sorry-- but I do need to go back to the gym and I promise I will!

Tomorrow morning (weather permitting) I'm looking at 5, yes count them FIVE houses-- followed by an appointment with my friend to hopefully help ties up the lose ends to my website so I can get it up and going as soon as I find a house (I have to wait for the house because I can't sell without a license AND the license is specific to STATE and COUNTY so... that remains completely up in the air for both instances.)

Happy Friday night everyone (how pathetic I'm in on a Friday night I know) :o)

Whatcha Gonna Do With All That Junk? 229

As promised-- here are the most fabulous pair of jeans I've ever owned. They are Seven7 jeans which I purchased at Lane Bryant. I was so excited with how these fit (I normally have a bunchy crotch issue with all pants.. I think that's from the way my pelvis is tilted)s-- anyway "Look ma, No Bunchy Crotch" Then jeans are a little pricey @ 79.99 BUT with the Lane Bryant Coupon I was able to save $25 on a purchase of $75 or $50 on a purchase of $150.

If there is one thing I've learned.. if you love something (clothes or shoes) buy more than one because once it's worn out.. it's gone. In my case.. once I lose more weight they are gone.. so I took advantage of my coupon and walked away with a size 18 and a size 16 :o) A fabulous investment even if I do say so myself.

I took this opportunity to do another "line up photo" I haven't done one of those in a long while! The original line up is from 01.10.09 when I was 260.5 ... so this is what 33.5 lbs looks like... Sorry about the quality (or lack there of) of the photos.. it was darker this time when I took them AND I used my iphone instead of my regular camera. If I get some time I'll take sharper ones and share. So without further adieu..Ok the booty shot is slightly embarrassing but I wanted you to see the pockets.

Next post is either going to be about some awesome foods I've found.. OR about a change in my look. Stay tuned.