281 Drum Roll Please! 198.8

2011-05-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

GUESS WHAT?!?! this is what I saw when I weighed myself this morning. I know I haven't been blogging.. but I still have been striving towards my goals... this was such a HUGE goal for me.. and I can't remember the last time I was under 200lbs.. but I think it was probably about 6th grade! that's pretty amazing! I was excited.. but honestly forgot about it until around lunch when I again thought "wow" and then thought.. "huh I don't really feel any different" like I expected that the world would change or I'd suddenly be the most breath taking woman in the world LOL. regardless 90.2lbs total weight loss is a big number.. and something I'm proud of-- only 23.8lbs more until my goal weight of 175lbs.. where I'll assess if I want to continue to lose weight or simply be happy where I'm at there :o) thanks for sharing in the good news of this big day with me :o)

P.S. I never realized how "fat" my feet look-- I have a wide foot and apparently my toes are spreading and getting twisty.. lol here's to almost being 30!

223.2 - The Battle Continues

2011-01-27T07:42:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful Christmas/ New Year. It's time to get serious again about blogging-- as I have been serious about weight loss again for about a month.

For Christmas I asked for a new scale-- this one is supposed to keep track of your body fat % and your water % as well as your weight. I've come to find out that the body fat % and water weight are actually not very accurate. Imagine my shock when just after Christmas I jumped on the scale to see that I weighed 228.8lbs a nearly 14 lb gain over my lowest weight last year.. AND that my body fat is 42% and my water is 40%-- as these past 4 weeks have gone by my body fat and water weight have stayed in the same 5% weight with the body fat and water % inversely proportionate to one another. SO I took a test @ the gym and it turns out my body fat is only 26.6% (sigh of relief)-- which still technically puts me in the obese category-- but much closer to "overweight" than the scale is reflecting.

So with that being said.. I'm in 2 biggest loser contests-- one at work where there is a 1st and 2nd place winner-- 1st place recieves $165 and second place $110-- I'm currently in 2nd place. The bigger contest I'm in is at the YMCA where there is only one winner-- to the tune of $575-- I would LOVE to win both-- but our second weigh in isn't until next week @ the half way mark.

This brings me to a little bit of frustration. I have hired a personal trainer (YAY!! I've never had one before) and have worked out with her 3 times (we're meeting twice a week) and on my own I'm hitting the gym every day-- I do cardio for 35 minutes - 2 hours/ day (and when I meet with my trainer I'm with her for an hour + at least 35 minutes of cardio on my own). It's very frustrating that after almost 4 full weeks I'm only down 5.6 lbs.

I am using a new program on my iphone (which incidentally you can also use online if you don't have a phone with applications) called "My fitness pal" it's soooooo much better than the old program I was using, lose it! where it simply didn't have enough food brands stored. My fitness pal is great because I think I've only come across one item of food that wasn't in there in the 4 weeks I've been using it. It also allows you to record your cardio/ workouts AND gives you a break down of your nutritional facts (along with goals of how much of what you should be eating) . All in all it's a great program.... BUT my beef with it is because I work a desk job.. it told me I should only be eating 1300 calories / day-- BUT I wans't losing any weight that way so I concluded on my own (and with a little research) that I should be eating at least 1560 calories/ day to lose weight (Jillian Michaels says your current weight X 7-10)-- so by this calculation the minimum calories I should be eating right now to lose weight would be 1562.4 and the max 2232. So right now I'm getting in about 1600 calories/ day and burning about 300- 900 calories / day at the gym. I've only been on this higher calorie diet for 3 days and I've lost .4 lbs in that time.

So that's where I'm at right now! How are you guys doing on your weight loss? Have you worked with a trainer before? What kind of results did you see? How are you figuring out your calorie intake?

She's up and running-- weight ???

2010-11-27T20:38:00.000-08:00

Quick update. I haven't been weighing myself recently.. and that's really due to my lack of exercise and the feeling that I've put on some weight and want to remain oblivious to it. I need to get back on track.. BUT here is some of the reason why I've been such a slacker.. long time coming! Yep that's right. I have a temporary site up for Crown Jewel Boutique-- I just started it on monday and am still in the process of setting up shop so please come and visit often. I'm running a sale right now for 10% off and a little more off for Cyber Monday. Tell your friends!!! Just a taste of what you can buy! You can also "like" me on facebook to keep up with special offers/ sales. Let me know what you think!

216.5 Test Results

2010-09-30T05:26:00.000-07:00

So the deal with the diet is that I went off of it on Friday-- what immediately happened is I went from 215 to 217 and then a high of 218 yesterday. Today I'm down to 216.5. Everyone I work with who is on the diet said that the re-introduction of more carbs causes you to retain water. I'm not 100% that I agree with that assessment but in light of today's weigh in I do feel a little bit better.

I've always preferred to lose weight "The right way" and I lost 70.5lbs doing it that way. I hate the idea of crash diets where the moment you're off of them you gain it all back and then more. I hate the idea of pills where in 10 years you find out it makes you lose your memory or gives you a heart condition. I'm still on the fence about going back on the diet. It's certainly nice to be able to drop about .5 lbs/ day just by eating right- but I don't want to lose 30lbs on it and then gain back 10-- I'm on program where once the weight is gone.. it's gone for good and I feel pretty strongly about that.

215 -The Test

2010-09-24T05:28:00.000-07:00

Alright I'm going off the Belly Fat Cure diet today through the weekend. I found out that you really need to space your meals pretty evenly or you don't lose the weight-- that's why I didn't lose last weekend-- because my meals were crazy all over the board.

This weekend I'm going to start eating the things I missed like yogurt and fruits and as aforementioned partake in an apple dumpling ala mode and/ or an apple fritter-- I'm a little concerned that since this diet keeps my insulin level even-- and thus losing weight-- if I go back to eating normal where I'll get a spike in insulin-- that I might just gain everything back. Better to find out now than when I'm down 30lbs and devastated to lose it all back.

I'll let you know how things transpire. Incidentally I didn't post yesterday but I actually weighed 215 yesterday-- yes I dropped 1 lb overnight where I had been losing .5lbs overnight-- BUT everything in the end evens out because I'm not down any lbs today.

Happy Friday Everyone!

216- That's One Mean Colon!

2010-09-22T17:22:00.001-07:00

Well guys, I'm still on the Belly Fat Cure diet. I seemed to hit a plateau on Saturday Sunday and Monday-- but on Tuesday I started to lose weight again-- Both Monday and Tuesday I dropped an additional .5 lbs / day. In retrospect I think this has a lot to do with my hectic schedule on the weekends-- it makes it hard to space your meals/ snacks out evenly and therefore I didn't do a good job on keeping my insulin level the same-- which in turn is why I don't think I saw the same results.

I was a bit upset that on this diet you're supposed to lose between 3-9 lbs a week and I lost the bare minimum @ 3lbs-- I was so strict too! Then I thought back to the fact that no matter what I do it's a struggle to lose weight with my Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome and my slow metabolism.. so the fact that I was able to lose 3lbs from diet alone-- should be celebrated!

One thing I have noticed however is that-- with the lack of fruits and yogurt on this diet I seem to going to the bathroom a lot less-- once every 3 days or so-- and when I do go my intestine/ colon gets so mad.. that sort of cramping burning sensation that lasts for an hour afterward-- I guess it's a small price to pay for the quick weight loss.

I plan to be on the diet for 1 more day and then I'm taking Friday, Saturday and Sunday off-- my schedule is way too hectic-- AND I want to partake of an apple fritter and an apple dumpling @ Applefest this weekend in my hometown. Depending on how much willpower I have left.. lol I will probably try to start up again on Monday.

217.5 I'm a believer

2010-09-17T05:44:00.001-07:00

Since starting my new "fad" diet on Monday I have dropped 2.5lbs-- this is a week by week diet-- so I'm going to do it until next Friday (my schedule is crazy busy next weekend so it's really going to be too difficult to keep it going then) however depending on how I feel that Friday --which honestly is dependent on my total weight loss and my will power at that point-- I might try another week or two. I'm not hungry, I've lost weight, the food is healthy and pretty good the only down/ upside is that I'm not eating enough calories to go and do an intense workout. -- so I'm losing weight with my diet alone. I know that's not the best tactic-- but for a short term gratification it's working :o) I'm a believer!

Happy Friday everyone!

219? progress?

2010-09-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

Ok Guys! Day 3 of the diet. I'm down 1 lb since Monday-- the thing is though I weighed 219 about 2 weeks ago.. so now the question is.. did I gain weight and now lose it because of this diet OR did I just drop some water weight? I guess we shall soon find out!

Boy let me tell you.. YESTERDAY was a challenge. This diet is very regimented. He tells you exactly what to eat and how much of it-- SO imagine my agony when I remember it was a girl at work's Birthday-- what this normally means is there will be homemade cake.. well not only was there a homemade cake.. there was also Cinnamon Crunch Bagels from Panera (my favorite!) AND HUGE delicious looking cinnamon muffins with a hint of drizzled icing. That was not at all what I was wanting to face on day 2 of a strict diet! BUT I made it through.. without cheating. I really want to give this a whirl and see if I really can see some results this week. If I feel good about the diet I will try for a second week and then probably take a break from it. I only have so much will power-- but big weight loss numbers is strong motivation for me to stick to it!

How are you guys doing on your weight loss?

220- Belly Fat Cure

2010-09-13T05:35:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone! so I got super tired of dieting and completely unmotivated-- I had been down to 218.5 but have put back on a couple of pounds. Two friends at work have been trying the "Belly Fat Cure" diet by Jorge Cruise. -- they both lost 5 lbs their first week so I thought I would give it a try even though you know how I feel about dieting. I'm hoping I'll lose some weight and this will get me back to being motivated to "finish the job" I'm in a rush this morning to head to work but i wanted to put it out there- I will blog later about my day on the diet and more about what it entails.-- since I'm supposed to lose between 3-9lbs this week and get ride of some bulge I'm going to try and update daily on my progress: today's stats 220lbs 35" waist and my lower bellow (bellow my belly button at it's widest part without being "hips" is 42"

221- Memoirs of a Fat Chick

2010-05-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

At work today was my company's "annual Holiday"-- the day typically has games for people to play (like corn hole) and free lunch.

This years was a little different, it was short on the games but high on the food because my managers decided to do a "food day" in protest of the "hot dog or hamburger" the "Bistro" was offering. To top things off they decided we should have breakfast too (free food! YAY)

Breakfast started out ok with 1/2 glass of OJ, a piece of homemade quiche, fruit and half of a cinnamon crunch bagel (the bottom half-- I would have gone for a full bagel but I was only interested in the cinnamon crunch bagel-- and there was only a half of one left!) between breakfast and lunch I also had a cup of sprite.

This leads me to lunch. Now there is a guy on our team who's Dad LOVES to make cheesecake (which is always a plain cheesecake) at my request his dad made a chocolate cheesecake (my fav) to accompany the regular cheesecake. -- so you better believe I had a slice of that-- followed by a brat with ketchup and relish, a cup of pasta salad and washed down with yet another sprite.

Here comes the kicker-- they gave away cupcakes later in the day-- I messed up the time and didn't get one-- here comes in my memory of being fat-- I knew I was full. I ate PLENTY of calories (especially with the chocolate cheesecake) and I couldn't help but feel devistated that I missed out on a cupcake. I started thinking to myself "why doesn't my company order enough for at least one cupcake per person working" I started wondering how many people had taken 2-- how DARE they take MY cupcake. AS if this wasn't bad enough-- I found out that they were having cupcakes for people on second shift (which overlaps my shift) and went down and got a cupcake right before i left. Walking back to my desk from the Bistro was like a walk of shame as I passed people who intimately know of my journey to lose weight and my boss who said "you're having a cupcake after cheesecake? you guys are killing me!!!" (she's trying to lose weight too), It felt a little shameful as I felt the urge to hide it from people what I was doing, but you better believe I scarfed it down too.

Am I ashamed? Well I guess not really--but it was disturbing to go into protective mode over food-- i hadn't been that way in a long time. And deep down I knew what I was doing was "wrong" . Do you ever get that way? Ultimately it's just a reminder of "this is why you're fat" -- not being able to control that urge to protect and then consume what is "rightfully" mine.

I had planned on going to the gym tonight to try and work off some of the food I just ate-- but I don't have the desire to right now. My workout schedule has been crazy (practically non-existent) because I was so intently looking for a house --which actually fell through too. I need to get back on the bandwagon-- I have still lost some weight-- just not very quickly-- and I'm currently in 2nd place for the biggest loser @ work (which ends in June) -- I'm only down about .25% behind the 1st place person-- BUT the pot is split 50/50 between the 2 biggest losers so I still have a good chance as long as I start getting myself in gear.

I Don't Feel Sorry for Fat People 224.5

2010-03-06T12:02:00.000-08:00

Time for a slight rant.

Basically the job I have right now.. I'm overworked, overqualified and drastically underpaid. I took the first job I could after getting laid off and it happened to be paying literally half what I was making. My job is basically to read every complaint that comes into our bank-- this includes FED, BBB and general senior management complaints. What has this job taught me? It's taught me to be pretty cynical about everything. Most of all it's really taught me that NO ONE will take responsibility for their own actions.

Case in point. You spend more money than what is in your account-- this is the banks fault-- the reasoning is "online information is not as up to date" -- (among many other complaints) this makes the bank "greedy" and "predatory" when you are charged a fee-- and since we were "bailed out" the customer needs a bail out as well. Here are my 3 points about this a) if you were spending money with cash you would have RAN OUT! you spent the money! you spent more than you had-- so guess what that's your fault! b) if you kept a check book register while using your debit card you would have known you were going over your current balance. c) here's news.. yes it's "bail out money" that, yes came from tax payers (which I am one of them) BUT this is not free money.. this is a loan from the government that has to be paid back with interest.. so it's not a free for all on money.. no matter how you cut it the bank is taking a loss and you are not entitled to it.

So where this brings me. You have to be responsible for yourself. I have to realize that I got to 289lbs because of what I chose to put in my mouth. I can sit around and argue that someone else was feeding me-- or that I was under pressure or stress which made me eat more-- but bottom line is no one force fed me those high calorie foods-- no one made me sit on the couch for hours on end.. there are all sorts of people with stress but some choose to exercise or talk with someone rather than eat.-- we all have struggles-- weaknesses-- it's how we choose to deal with them.

I see all these overweight people at my work.. I used to feel sorry for them thinking "oh they must have a story" -- I don't feel that way anymore because I was 289 and said "this is stupid I've had it" and I did something about it! I stopped eating like a pig-- I started the cathartic process of talking about my feelings and emotions (including this blog) I started counting calories and watching what I ate and most of all I got off the couch and started working out. There is no excuse-- you may have a bad back or bad knees (me)-- BUT I can choose to take the stairs instead of the elevator.. or lift tiny weights while watching TV-- or volunteer to take things to other departments while at work-- OR EVEN bounce my leg while working.

I don't have sympathy anymore.. it's simple math-- get it together-- make up your mind and do it.. keep a check book ledger and don't spend more "calories" than you have in your bank account. Stop blaming it on someone else-- stop trying to take the easy way out and doing crash diets or taking pills or even doing surgery. No one else is responsible for you or your actions but YOU. You don't have to be fat, you just choose to be-- if you don't like it.. get pissed and do something about it.. I did.

Don't Scare me Valentine!! 227.5

2010-02-14T17:40:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day! Since I'm single I had nothing better to do tonight than to post a couple of creepy food related vintage Valentine's Day Cards. Enjoy!

A Little Nutty 228.5

2010-02-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

A little nutty, a little fruity-- what more could you ask for? I came across this "breakfast blend" trail mix a couple of weeks ago! It's so incredibly yummy and satisfies my morning snack.. and 240 calories (for a HUGE bag) it continues the nut/ fruit theme for the morning and further boosts the metabolism with a touch of protein.

The store has 4 of 5 different varieties of these breakfast trail mixes-- I've only tried this variety-- but have toyed with the idea of the tropical fruit and berry blend. This pack has dried applies, granola, walnuts, almonds and cranberries, yogurt covered rasins-- very delish (even if I do say so myself) the one thing I wasn't crazy about is the box shows the calories but doesn't do a great job of indicating there are 2 servings per bag-- if you're going to give me a little pouch-- just count it as one serving! (pet peeve)

Anyway this helps me continue my great start to the day-- 6 bags for nearly $4-- not bad.

Smooth out the Start of your Day 229.5

2010-02-11T17:56:00.001-08:00

As promised here is the first of a few "diet" foods I find utterly delicious. Every morning for the past 4 weeks or so I've been having a smoothie for breakfast. I've been using Yoplait Smoothie blends-- I especially like the strawberry, mango and pineapple -- The directions call for the entire bag and 1 cup of skim milk (this is 2 servings). Since I'm a single gal I only make half the bag and put 1 cup of Light Vanilla soy milk (I've been switching around brands but find that the Silk brand *with the vanilla taste* to be the best)-- by using a whole cup of soy milk I'm making my smoothie thin enough to drink directly from the cup -- and to be honest if you only used half a cup of milk or *given liquid* you can barely get it to come out of the blender. Now for an added diet boost I've been putting a shot of Acai Berry juice (I use Genesis-- a little pricey around $7.00/ bottle-- BUT I'm still on my first bottle and I've been making these for a month) it-- all in all this works out to be exactly 16oz and around 200 calories.

Now my brother is also on a diet and he actually buys the individual frozen fruits-- he's trying to stick with fruits high in anti-oxidants such as blueberries -- he'll blend about 4 fruits (all in 4 oz increments *he actually bought a digital scale to weigh it out*-- he also uses soy milk and a shot of Acai or pomegranate juice-- his is less expensive to make overall (and since it's twice the size of mine ends up being 400 calories)-- I found that I like the yoplait for the chunks of yogurt they have in there already-- it just takes less effort and in my opinion tastes better. -- honestly the yoplait smoothie is not that expensive. The 2 serving bag runs about $2.60-- soy milk runs around $3.00 so for a daily cost it's about $1.75.

What's great about a smoothie in the morning is it's less mess, I can drink it while I'm getting ready for work.. takes literally 1 minute to prepare-- AND boosts my metabolism with the fruit. Next post will be what my AM snack is.. and it's super yummy! Stay tuned. :o)

OH update on the biggest loser-- even though I've "Gained" 1.4 pounds this week (which honestly I think is water weight) I'm still in 1st place! that's 1st place 3 weeks in a row! Yay!

Violet Colored Glasses 228.5

2010-02-05T19:12:00.000-08:00

So here is my "new look".. I started noticing my right eye is super blurry recently.. especially at night after work. The reason this is/ was concerning is that my right eye has an astigmatism AND has had the retina detach and reattach itself before. When I went to the eye doctor-- sure enough my eyesight had gone from nearly perfect 20/20 to about 20/40-- which means that although I had glasses BEFORE -- I could wear them when I "wanted to" or "needed to"-- which was a nice fashion statement from time to time. This time around it was suggested I start wearing glasses all the time (and I can really tell now when I go to the gym how bad my eyesight is without my glasses.. granted 20/40 is not super bad vision.. but there is a noticeable difference in sharpness)

So since I'm an artist I went out on a limb with some dark purple glasses with the light purple on the edges of the face of the glasses (it's kind of a lilac purplely marble look)-- it never really occurred to me before.. but I guess purple really is a neutral.. it can be warn with pretty much ANY color-- although I wouldn't really choose red to wear with it--but I could (and look like a huge valentine).

Anyway.. what do you guys think? I LOVE them for glasses.. I think I'd still rather not have to wear glasses period.. and I'm not brave enough to try contacts yet. They are Prada-- I also have a pair of red and black Ray Ban's..not that labels mean much to me-- but I'm noticing I have a thing for frames made in Italy (or is it just all frames are made in Italy.. who knows?)

We had a big snow storm here today-- I thought I'd be able to make it the gym up until the moment I got off the exit by my house and realized the roads were covered in slush that was turning to ice and and there were no plows in sight. I figured better safe the sorry-- but I do need to go back to the gym and I promise I will!

Tomorrow morning (weather permitting) I'm looking at 5, yes count them FIVE houses-- followed by an appointment with my friend to hopefully help ties up the lose ends to my website so I can get it up and going as soon as I find a house (I have to wait for the house because I can't sell without a license AND the license is specific to STATE and COUNTY so... that remains completely up in the air for both instances.)

Happy Friday night everyone (how pathetic I'm in on a Friday night I know) :o)

Whatcha Gonna Do With All That Junk? 229

2010-02-04T18:41:00.000-08:00

As promised-- here are the most fabulous pair of jeans I've ever owned. They are Seven7 jeans which I purchased at Lane Bryant. I was so excited with how these fit (I normally have a bunchy crotch issue with all pants.. I think that's from the way my pelvis is tilted)s-- anyway "Look ma, No Bunchy Crotch" Then jeans are a little pricey @ 79.99 BUT with the Lane Bryant Coupon I was able to save $25 on a purchase of $75 or $50 on a purchase of $150.

If there is one thing I've learned.. if you love something (clothes or shoes) buy more than one because once it's worn out.. it's gone. In my case.. once I lose more weight they are gone.. so I took advantage of my coupon and walked away with a size 18 and a size 16 :o) A fabulous investment even if I do say so myself.

I took this opportunity to do another "line up photo" I haven't done one of those in a long while! The original line up is from 01.10.09 when I was 260.5 ... so this is what 33.5 lbs looks like... Sorry about the quality (or lack there of) of the photos.. it was darker this time when I took them AND I used my iphone instead of my regular camera. If I get some time I'll take sharper ones and share. So without further adieu..Ok the booty shot is slightly embarrassing but I wanted you to see the pockets.

Next post is either going to be about some awesome foods I've found.. OR about a change in my look. Stay tuned.

The Biggest Loser! 227

2010-02-03T19:29:00.001-08:00

Ok-- so you've probably thought that I fell off the bandwagon-- to be completely honest I did for a while. I got my weight down to 227.5 and then from about Halloween to New Years I ended up putting about 9 lbs back on

About 3 weeks ago my work decided to do a "biggest loser" competition-- I knew it was time to start back on the track-- a little disappointed that I had a) not lost any weight in a long time and b)put back on weight. -- there are about 20 people who each put in $10 -- the pot will be split evenly between the top 2 losers in June.

I was reluctant to go back to the gym -- only tonight did I drag myself there for the first time in MONTHS (what a waste of money @ $48/ month)--

ANYWAY the first week I was in 4th place-- the past 2 weeks I've been in 1st place-- I have lost 7.8 lbs (according to the work scale) and I've done that all by keeping track of my calories on my iphone ap "Lose it!" -- it works pretty well-- it was a tool I used before but for whatever reason (maybe the upgrade) it seems to be more accurate this time around

Tonight I went to the gym and walked for 35 minutes-- burning 360 calories

Here recently I've also found several excellent foods I'm going to share with you in the next few posts.

You guys are my accountability so I'm going to try and be better about posting now-- even though my life has in fact sped up instead of slowed down over the past few months.

The jewelry website isn't up yet-- I'm meeting with my friend this weekend for a few hours to try and get it close to up and running-- I doubt we'll finish it this weekend but I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

I'm ALSO in the process of looking for a new home-- I want to get one before the deadline for the tax credit which is April 30th (for a contract) and I think June to close. So wish me luck, send a few prayers my way and we'll all get through this together.

Tomorrow I'm going to post a couple of photos of me in my new SEXXY jeans and tell you about where to get them etc. I'm so excited about them-- but that my friends is a story for tomorrow! :o) Until then!

Crown Jewel Boutique 231.5

2009-09-12T14:25:00.001-07:00

Yet again I've been notably absent-- this time for focusing on trying to launch the website for my Jewelry Business! I wanted to give you guys a sneak peak-- my friend has talked me (reluctantly) into modeling my own jewelry but I LOVE this photo-- we still have to take a few more and edit some more photos as well... (and make some more jewelry)-- I'm going to be selling earrings, necklaces and bracelets -- I will even custom make pieces as well. Before the site is even up I've already sold 15 pieces-- so I'm happy about that! Anyway just wanted to check in and give you guys an exclusive sneak peak at what is coming!!

Get excited, tell your friends and stock up for Christmas!

Some Wedding Photos 236.5

2009-08-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

Here are some photos that were taken @ my cousin's wedding/ reception. This was me trying to line dance.. I find it amusing that even in the photos you can see how uncoordinated I can be :o)

This is a dress I bought @ IGIGI. I just recently came upon online store. I think their stuff is great! i love that they make flirty dresses for plus sized women. The prices are a little high-- but they have sales quite often. I loved the dress I bought-- although I wish I had realized that the tie was sagging and I would have fixed that! IGIGI has another dress with the same fabric/ pattern but a different top (which has straps on it rather than the wrap dress) but I think it's absolutely beautiful and I'm tempted to purchase it. The other thing that's kinda nice (Iguess) about IGIGI is that the sizes are "smaller" than what they actually are. For instance right now I fit pretty easily into a size 18 but the dress I bought from IGIGI was a 12.Hopefully I'll be able to get my hands on the photos we took BEFORE the reception where hopefully my dress is sitting a little nicer :o)

Dinner --235.5

2009-08-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

Here's some dinner I made the other night. It's shrimp, sun dried tomatoes, spinach, mushrooms, pasta and feta cheese. I sauteed the shrimp, sun dried tomatoes, spinach and mushrooms in a skillet-- I didn't need to use any sort of oil with it because there is a little residual oil on the sun dried tomatoes (from being in the jar they come in). I cook the pasta for about a minute less than suggested, drain it, then add it to the skillet, throw just a spoon of the feta (which is actually tomato basil feta)-- I then cook that for a couple of extra minutes-- plate it and add another spoon of feta on top. It's really good and pretty healthy for you-- just watch how much pasta you're eating-- and you can make it even better by using whole wheat pasta!

I didn't find this recipe anywhere.. I just thought about what I thought would taste good together-- add what you want to it-- I thought oregano and basil would be tasty--maybe even some artichoke hearts!

If you try it let me know! It's pretty simple to make and probably takes about 15 minutes at the max. (the biggest time commitment is waiting for the water to boil and the pasta to cook for about 7 minutes)

Perfect Self Portrait --235

2009-08-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

Hi all!

Sorry I've been away.. I've been working on getting my necklace/ jewelry shop up and running-- I have a logo-- working on a website-- so far I've sold 7 necklaces (not bad I guess) .. I just wanted to share with you.. what I feel is the most perfect self-portrait :o) More to come!

Jewelry! 242

2009-07-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! As promised here are some photos of (some) of the necklaces I've been creating. I made 10 this weekend alone (these are 5 of the ones I've made this weekend. I've made about 25 so far, sold two-- just to people I'm showing them to at work/ or over the 4th when I saw some of my family). I'm working on creating a website to sell them on..

I took these photos today but wouldn't you know as soon as I got set up outside the clouds came out (this makes for a less than desirable shoot-- but overall I think they turned out well). The initial photos I took inside and they turned out too dark (hence why this has been so long in coming) It's taking me some time to come up with the photos and formatting them/ naming them (I'm trying to come up with cutesy names for each one-- I bet this will get more difficult as time goes on since at this point they are all one of a kind beauties) . I wanted to give you guys a special sneak preview. Let me know what you think!

Phantom Fat!

2009-07-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

I heard on the radio that there is a "disease" called phantom fat. This is really the same idea as a phantom limb (where people who have lost limbs still have phantom feelings for that leg, where it may seem to itch or hurt etc as if the limb were still there). Well the idea of the phantom fat is that even after people lose weight they still perceive themselves to actually be fat-- you worry about all the same things that you used to when you were over weight, like knocking things over, being too heavy to sit on certain things, thinking you can't fit into clothes, being too wide to fit in seats etc. They said that this "phantom fat" typically occurs in people who have either lost significant weight in short period of time (typically those who have had bariactric surgery) or people who have simply been overweight for a long time.

This makes me wonder if I might actually have this when all is said and done. Even now I don't really see that much of a difference in myself from where I started. Having been overweight my entire life--- I wonder how I will perceive myself when I hit my goal weight (which I've never weighed that little in my entire adult life). Not that phantom fat is really a serious matter it's just really being accustomed to how your body has functioned for a long time.

In this same news report they said that people who have lost weight are actually more self-conscious or self-aware than people who are overweight that have never attempted to lose weight. I think it's also interesting that they stated people who have lost a lot of weight are also more conscious of what they look like than people are in thin. I would probably assume this has a lot to do with being aware of what you look like now and what you looked like THEN. Looking at where I'm at when I hit my goal weight and comparing that to what I looked like at my heaviest is motivation enough to keep going to the gym and make sure I keep the weight off!

Happy 4th! ---241

2009-07-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July!

Just a Little Work Out Tip 240.5

2009-07-02T15:43:00.000-07:00

I recently heard on the radio that when you're working out you should try to sing as loudly as you can. What this basically does it tighten up your abs while you work out. Since I work out at a gym, I didn't think people would appreciate me singing at the top of my lungs.. so instead I basically lip synced.

Having being in choir for a few years I know you're supposed to sing with your gut, basically pushing down your diaphragm-- as I lip synced I pushed as if I was singing really loudly and let all the air come out as if I was singing just avoiding using my voice box. I have to say it actually worked really well. I've been having a really hard time getting my stomach to be sore, even with the ab crunch machine at the gym-- and this actually did the trick! Try it out! If you're brave enough to sing at the top of your lungs while at the gym, please let me know the reaction of your fellow gym mates :o)!

The best way to bring work out cheer is singing loudly for ALL TO HEAR!

Dance Your Ass Off -242

2009-07-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

I don't know if any of you have had the chance to catch Oxygen's new TV show, Dance your Ass Off. I actually find it to be quite entertaining. The premise of the show is basically Dancing With the Stars (minus the stars) combined with Biggest Loser. While admittedly I don't watch either of the afore mentioned shows, the general idea is the same perform, lose weight or GO HOME!

Each week the contestants are given a "theme" of dance and with a professional dance partner they rehearse all week. Each conestant weighs in at the beginning of the week and then again at the end of the week. Constestants are scored based on the percentage body weight lost + the average score given by the 3 judges-- the contestant with the lowest score goes home!

I think it's genuinely pretty interesting. Through the week each contestant has access to a doctor, nutirionist and professional dance partner. The daily routine includes work outs and 2 hours of dance (so it's no wonder some of these people are losing 10+ lbs in a week). This is weight loss the RIGHT way-- and I think that's awesome (and it looks so fun too!!)

Although so far I really like the show, my biggest pet peeve reamins with the host, Melissa Jaret who it is obvious they have stuffed into a gurdle (being a plus sized woman herself). What kind of message is it that the host of the show is overweight (while all contestants themselves are losing weight and she remains the same) AND the fact that not only is she plus sized but they try and make her look smaller by smoothing out the problem areas and stuffing her in to skin tight dresses.

The other beef I have with this show is the costumes designed by "professional designers" are incredibly skimpy. All women are in short shorts or short dresses/ skirts and with the exception of ONE woman and ONE man-- the guts are fully exposed. While I understand the logic behind this (the less clothing the more we can see "progress")-- I think it's a bit degrading and distastful. Although I suppose if you're competing to lose weight and WIN 100 grand, you don't mind sharing your weight and your body with the entire world.Anyway give it a try-- tune in and see what you think. The show has really inspired me to consider joining a dance class for exercise-- something I've actually been thinking about on and off for a few years.-- who cares if I lack rhythm-- lol.

Better Late Than Never! --241

2009-06-30T16:17:00.000-07:00

Ok so here are a couple of photos left over from my New Orleans trip (back just before Easter).In other news I've started back to the gym after about a two month hiatis. On Sunday I worked out for about 1.5 hours (all cardio)-- while I've been at a relative standstill for weight loss, I know I need to keep going! I was so distraught (which I know sounds stupid) when I lost 50lbs, it was such a huge milestone-- and fear really took over me. I'm trying to kick it back into high gear.

I've had to put my house hunt back on hold due to some issues with my employer. I don't want to get into it too much at this point (but I'm sure eventually I will be blogging about it and much much more). If anyone knows of jobs in the Cincinnati/ Dayton area please let me know ASAP. So house hunt gone-- replaced with job hunt!

I'm still working on this little side business for jewelry-- still in the process of setting things up and building a base of work-- I promise as soon as I get it up and running I'll be sharing it with you guys!

Look for a blog post tomorrow--- I have one in mind! :o)

I'm 28 party favor partied out -243

2009-06-22T16:31:00.001-07:00

soooo today's my 28th birthday. I can't help but feel old.. lol (I realize I'm going to get backlash for that statement from the 30 + crowd) This is actually the first birthday I can remember spending alone.. like.. not going out with people... perhaps this is the turning point where people start to "forget" their own birthday on purpose. lol who knows. It's sad in a way.. not having a special someone to celebrate with.. but I'm just going to digress on that point...

Anyway.. on that note.. I did some shopping this weekend..,. and when I say SHOPPING.. I mean SHOPPING! this weekend I bought 3 dresses, 2 pairs of pants (this is really out of necessity for work since I can't get my old work pants to stay up) 3 lips glosses (I got this for free from sophora for my BIRTHDAY! YAY!) 3 bras (it's the victoria's secret semi-annual sale don't you know) a calendar/ card rack (from Pier 1 that is going out of business which I plan to use for craft fairs.. selling cards and pieces of artwork) and finally a nice pair of fuschia flats. lol so when I say shopping.. now you know what I mean! So.... without further aduie here is some photos of the dresses and the shoes (what I'm most excited about!!)

242.5-- It's a John and Kate + 8 Thing!

2009-06-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone! Sorry for my long absence.. things have just literally been so crazy for me. I've started up a house hunt again-- I've been working on a new "money scheming" adventure (for those of you who don't know I really have a desire to work from home for myself-- preferably making artwork but that hasn't had much success.. so I've been dabbling in different forms of "Art" to try and "MAKE A HIT"). Anyway my new "money scheming" adventure is actually making jewelry-- and what I really mean by that is "beading".

I was introduced to beading by my best friend, Amber when I was out visiting her in San Francisco/ San Diego. I ended up investing about $300 in beads/ supplies while I was out there.. I'm using only high quality stuff-- ie sterling silver .925-- NATURAL gemstones and semi-precious stones.-- I'm working on getting some "dummies" so I can display the necklaces nicely and take some photos of them in my attempt to sell them online. Stay tuned for photos to come!

Anyway what I really wanted to write about is John and Kate + 8 and their "announcement". I've been an avid watcher of this show since it started really. Initially I think the motive of John and Kate was to satisfy the daunting task of affording the family they never intended to have. I also think that allowing all the cameras into their life was a way of not only providing but also squandering all the baby crazies out there from seeking them out in person to ask questions etc.

I must admit that here recently (especially this season) it seems like the family is just really in it for the stardom-- and what a tangled web they wove. It seems like each new episode this season is filled with celebrities or some sort of gift they have received being flaunted. It's gotten so commercial. Now I know there are rumors flying about unfaithfulness and the greedy and over zealous Kate, but what TLC has done is created a monster in ratings-- and perhaps of the parents themselves. While I hate to speculate on all of these rumors I do know a few things for fact. While John and Kate's parents have never been featured on the shows-- they did have brother/ sister-in-law AND a couple of friends who have all but disappeared from the show. I think this is not a result of "business" but more as a result of burning bridges.

But regardless of all of those things it's really the kids who are suffering. While Kate is out doing her "job" giving speeches and seminars on"family" and John is off going out with friends etc-- the children are at home with nannies-- you note also that as a family they have gone away from the whole "organic" realm of things which seemed to always be the forefront of every meal in past seasons. The family also always made church a priority, driving an hour each way to church. A family that was always so centered on "time outs" as opposed to "spankings" has now been caught by the paparazzi doing just that. (Actually I'm a whole hearted supporter of spanking but my point is here that the core values of this family seems to have changed drastically). It seems to me the more the fame grew-- the further apart the family has grown.

As difficult as Kate is to deal with-- I really hope for the family's sake that John and Kate are not getting divorced. What I really hope and pray for is that this huge announcement is not for a divorce but the decision that the show will end. As much as I love seeing the children and how they grow-- I think the priorities have gotten all out of whack and I hope that John and Kate have done well with saving and investing the millions of dollars they have already made from the show.

While the show has really benefited this family I think it's really hurt it in a lot of ways. The possibility of divorce and the fact that the children are constantly being "raised' by someone other than their parents really speak to that. On the show John and Kate have revealed that the cameras have never left their house since the second "one hour special"-- the now 9 and 5 year old have never known anything else- how strange is that? These children need to be kids and not TV stars.

It will be interesting to see in years to come what these kids have to say. I'm sure at that point you'll hear some of the things that went on that weren't the most pleasant things-- and there is bound to be at least one or two kids who are really resentful for the entire experience.

So Monday will tell the "future" for this family. I really hope and pray that this is the end for the show out of love for the family.

Chop Chop --245

2009-06-02T17:59:00.001-07:00

I woke up on Sat morning and thought "my hair looks like a big blob.. I think I'm just going to cut it off into a short bob" -- so I called and made an appointment for later that day-- well I ended up chickening out the bob for fear I would look AWFUL-- so I went a little safer.. but I did chop off quite a few inches-- Around 6 inches or more in places. -- Here they are! Tolerate the fact that I took them myself and I wasn't wearing make-up!

Swallowed by Insecurities-- 245

2009-06-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

This was a photo from my vacation-- In case it's hard to make out.. it's me in a sharks mouth. I thought I was being funny-- but when I saw the photos.. I felt like I was being swallowed whole by my insecurities and not the shark head @ the Birch aquarium.

After 50 lbs lost (well you can see I'm up a few lbs at the moment-- I think that's water weight but we'll see in a day or two)-- ANYWAY after 50lbs lost-- I'm really starting to notice the permanent damage I did to my body-- particularly stretched out-- stretch marked skin. I find this especially noticeable in my arms! My inner arms are covered in stretch marks.. which as I lose weight has transformed into flabby flaps. -- This coupled with the "gut" I've acquired that still doesn't want to move (I've lost 1 inch on my gut-- compared with the 5 inches I've lost on my chest, the 8 inches on my waist and the 6 inches on my hips)-- that belly won't go away-- it's incredibly frustrating-- and unattractive. Before I gained all this extra weight I always had a pretty flat stomach-- even @ 220 lbs my stomach remained flat-- now that the fat is on there it is refusing to budge.-- and finally my chest. -- I've gone down a cup size (well on one side I have HAHAH!)-- my one boob tends to want to pop out of my cup-- on the other side it's a little smaller (which I know is normal-- but it's annoying and again unattractive to me.)

I'm having a really hard time coping with this change. I mean it's awesome that I'm taking control and losing weight.. but it's terrifying! (see previous blog)-- and it's frustrating to me that I look like a fat person who has lost weight.. instead of a person who has always been *this weight*. I'm normally very self-confident-- but I was just so overcome with this while on vacation-- I'm scared to see what my final body looks like-- I know.. I just need to take it one day at a time.. but it's hard! I'm struggling. I want to lose weight but I'm having a hard time motivating myself. *sigh* anyway I just wanted to share what's on my mind.

Trip photos 243

2009-05-31T20:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been noticeably absent recently-- I've actually been gone for my San Francisco/ San Diego trip-- and I've been back for a week now.. (pictured above-- me enjoying a prickly pear margarita on our first night in Coronado)

Anyway I just wanted to share some photos from the trip with you-- tomorrow I'll probably talk a little about the challenges/ realizations I had while I was on my trip-- and then I'll also share with you a photo of my new *very short (for me)* hair do-- so stay tuned I've got several posts in mind for the up and coming days!This it he view from my friend's aunt's condo (that we stayed in for the duration of the trip to Cornoado/ San Diego)-- it was so generous of them to allow us to stay there for free-- look how close we were to the ocean-- and you can see the San Deigo skyline as well :o)

One of the days we went to both Miramar Speed Circuit and Legoland. Vroom Vroom speed racers!

A squared--or cubed if you count the "A" column we're standing underneath :o)

Darth and R2D2 were both made completely of legos-- fight him I did.. win HE DID NOT!

We spent a day @ the San Diego Zoo and Wild Animal Park! It was pretty neat to see the 2 pandas they had there.. and also be close to a lot of the animals.-- I'll post more photos later!This is me with some sort of African deer and her baby (I don't remember what they were called exactly.. but they were definitely the softest of the animals they had in the "petting" area.

243 -- FREE HUGS

2009-05-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

I really like the song "As Long as You're Here" by the Sick Puppies-- so much so I tagged it on my iphone (it does this neat thing where you can use an application to identify any song you hear-- you just have to ask it to listen to it)-- anyway I looked up the song/ video on YouTube. What I came across was actually the Free Hugs campaign which is put to this song! Please watch the attached video.. but I wanted to give you a brief synopsis and then talk a little about it as well.

Basically the video starts out with a John Lenon looking guy with a sign that states "FREE HUGS"-- it starts out with a bunch of people ignoring him and darting past him. We all know we've dodged a few "weirdos" out in public before. As the video progresses it shows people starting to hug him-- then more and more hugs come-- then other people participate with their own signs. Eventually the cops come and shut the whole thing down-- they are banned from giving away free hugs! So what happens in turn actually is really emotional for me-- all of these people ban together and start a petition to override the ban on free hugs! They are able to acquire 10,000 signatures (which is what they need to remove the ban) and then everyone celebrates with a hug. The video completes with a bunch of people hugging.

What I find so great/ intriguing/ emotional about this is the theory behind it! Our society has become so detached from one another-- where we'd rather blog to people we don't know than actually talk to someone we do know! Our society has become so interconnected with "social networks" like facebook, myspace, friendster, linkedin -- but what we're lacking is the physicality-- is the actual face to face *I care about you*. On any one of these social networks I can silently keep up with my friend-- but that's just it.. it's SILENT. I can't tell that ANYONE cares for me because I don't know they are "checking in with me"-- what a shame this is really!

There was a study done that showed that in order for a person to be emotionally happy/ fulfilled they need to feel connected with other people--- connected PHYSICALLY! They found that we need to be touched 7 times daily to be emotionally content (touching-- as simple as someone patting you on the shoulder or grabbing your arm) 7 times! Isn't that amazing.. I sit back and think about that-- and the truth is-- I go days.. even weeks sometimes without touching anyone! When I really start to think about that-- it's absurd-- but completely the truth!-- I'm physically anemic in a severe way when it comes to physical contact with people-- and I'm sure many of you are the same way!

I think that's why this video is so amazing to me! Once people became open to the idea of touch-- they were willing to fight for it. How ridiculous is it that our society has become so "anti- touch" that something as innocent as a free hug would be looked upon as strange-- and such a publicly menacing thing that it had to not only be stopped but BANNED from occurring!

Anyway-- those are my thoughts--- enjoy the video-- and reach out and touch someone today! I'm going to virtually hug all of you now-- lol but remember that doesn't count towards anyone's 7 a day :o)

240.5 My Kid Could Paint That

2009-05-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

Hello 281 readers-- this is a crossover post from my other blog, Perfectly Chic -- i loved this documentary so much I felt the need to share it with followers of this blog as well!I recently came across a documentary that I think is essential for any art lover to watch! It is entitled "My Kid Could Paint That" directed by Amir Bar-Lev. The story surrounds young artist Marla Olmstead who started painting at the age of 2 (now 9). The documentary follows her success as an international abstract painter. Her paintings become more and more coveted as the prices of her paintings soared into the tens of thousands of dollars range.

What is most interseting to me about the documentry is the fact that she literally came out of nowhere when as a "novelty" she was asked to show a couple of paintings in the local coffee shop-- and things took off from there. As her paintings become more and more in demand speculation started to surround her family (her father who dabbles in art is suspected of either assisting Marla with paintings or completely creating the paintings himself). It's facinating to watch as even the director of the documentary who was 100% confident in the autheniticty of the work, starts to wane in his faith as the documentary progresses.

I give this documentary a perfectly chic rating of 10.0 for the way it grabs you, tells a story, and really questions the authority of modern abstract art.

240- Broccoli- It's What's for Dinner!

2009-05-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

This is what I ate for dinner last night! It's a little concoction I made up comprised of a sprig of broccoli, a splash of balsamic vinegar and 2 tbs of crumbled feta. This would made a good Mediterranean side or you can actually eat it for dinner like I did!

240.5 Yummy in my Tummy Take 2

2009-05-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

I just had to share the perfect little summer treat! I bought some mango sherbert (as an alternative to say strawberry ice cream)--- and I mixed it up with some fresh fruit (strawberries, blueberries and raspberries to be exact!) It's super yummy.. and nice to look at as well :o)

240.0 There's no Graceful Way to Hike Up Your Pants

2009-05-10T15:57:00.000-07:00

As the summer is upon us I'm stuck in a bit of a dilemma as I pull my summer wardrobe out I'm noticing that NONE of my clothes fit me! This is awesome, annoying and terrifying all at the same time! Especially since I haven't been required to wear dress pants to work for the past month (we were allowed to wear jeans if we donated to Ronald McDonald House). Anyway, after having not had to wear dress pants for a month I come back to find that all of them are too big! They seem to fit ok when I leave the house but I notice that as I walk they slide further and further down my hips causing an immense case of "droopy butt syndrome" (Where it looks like I'm wearing or diaper.. or perhaps like I *should* have been wearing one). This also has brought to mind the fact that there is no graceful or attractive way to hike up your pants. I'm having to constantly pull and yank them up after sitting, while walking etc. The worst part is that not even my belt is remotely snug anymore.

Why is this terrifying you may be asking? Isn't it great that none of my clothes fit because that marks real change? Well not entirely! You see I've been a size 20 for as long as I remember (I even remember being a size 20 in 5th grade when I was excited that they actually made Levi's in a size 20 that didn't have an elastic waistband). Honestly, that was like the most exciting day of my life because I could wear a brand that everyone else was wearing-- but that's an entire different story.

Back on track. Why is this terrifying? Well you see since I've been the same size my entire adult life and beyond.. I have clothes... I have a TON of clothes actually that I've been able to accumulate over the years. My sense of style has always been unique because limited to the "plus sized department" and a few key stores like Lane Bryant, I've had to rely on a keen sense of matching things that fit with contrasting colors. I've had to search through all the trash that's out there to find a few items I truly love-- nothing that screams "plus sized department"-- things that fit in enough but are outside the box of the normal fashion realm. Throughout the years I've been complimented on my style (which honestly developed with a bit of effort but really out of my necessity to not be viewed as the token fat girl).

So the fact that my clothes don't fit-- well that's scary! I'm going to have to venture out and not only financially commit to a whole new wardrobe but also I'm faced with the fact that I won't be able to shop in the stores I've been so accustomed to. As I lose more and more weight it's going to open the doors to many MANY new stores. I'm going to have to put more effort into keeping and developing my sense of style. I'm going to have to seriously hunt for things I truly love and not just buy things because I now fit into them. I'm going to have to be careful not to overspend on items for the same reason! The entire situation is daunting already and I'm not even there!

I never expected to have this sense of insecurity before. I want to hit my goal weight so bad! I really do.. but I'm starting to get intimidated! Not only for the clothes reason (which sounds so materialistic and stupid) but also from the aspect of the men department! I've already had so many issues with men in my life.. I know as I continue to lose weight I'm going to have more men approach me.. and not only approach me but more men coming at me for the WRONG reasons. I need to be careful as I've been redirecting my focus from yet another failed relationship (which I've been careful not to mention on here-- ).

I'm spending this time redirecting my focus from men.. re-focusing my attention to working out/ losing weight-- re-focusing my thoughts and actions toward my friends and family and God.. and just trying to keep my head on straight. This is tough! I can't believe how none of these things really came to mind before! But I guess there was something so poignant about hitting the 50lbs lost mark that really had me thinking. This entire process has really been amazing. It really has. I'm excited to see where this will take me in the next few months.

239- Videography

2009-04-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

I created this video a little while ago--- it's my first attempt at videography utilizing VISTA movie maker-- I have in the past interned with an advertising agency where I utilized more professional programs-- due to that I noticed a lot of limitations in terms of the capability to edit lengths of the clips and include "supers"(text over the images). I realize it's a little rough on timing -- but as afore mentioned it was hard to get the timing right when you mess up everything that goes on after it-- I'm working on another video right now-- so that one will be more to my standards (promise) Hope you like!!!

239!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

It's time to celebrate because I weighed myself this morning and it turns out I have officially lost 50lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!

242.5 Twitter!

2009-04-26T12:02:00.000-07:00

Follow me on Twitter (if you're in to that sort of thing) :o)

244.5-- It's Not About Me

2009-04-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

This blog has been entirely about my weight loss and the struggle I have endured while trying to make sense of it all-- trying to regain my footing-- working through failed relationships. I came to the realization today with the help of a friend that it's not about me. It's not about me at all. The weight, the emotions I've held deep inside, the failed relationships, the abuse, the hurt, the depression, the weight loss, the food, the exercise the 3 dreaded numbers-- all of the things in my life-- none of them are about me, not ONE.

While both good and bad things have happened in my life-- none of them were about me or for me really. These experiences serve a greater purpose-- they serve as a testimony that bad things do not equate being bad and good things do not always necessarily equal good. My experiences both good and bad are meant to help others. God has set a fire in my heart to share the embarrassing and awful things (as well as the good) that I've gone through-- to show you it's ok-- to help you understand you too can get through it all! I'm not by any means an authority on anything really-- all I can tell you is the honest truth and not only hope but know that it will speak to you.

I'm still going to focus on my weight loss journey-- but I'm also going to share with you the things that have shaped me. (which trust me, as you'll see soon enough, is a huge step in humility)

I'd have to say over the past 6 months that I've been on this journey (and 47lbs lost) there has been such a change in me. A change in not only my physical appearance but also a change in my heart-- a change in perspective. The change in weight is only a manifestation of what's been going on in the inside.

Once I got pissed enough with where my life was-- with who I was--- it was easy to change.. I started to see the bad parts.. and it was a matter of cutting out the cancer that was bringing me down-- it's honestly been a life changing experience and although it's such a simple concept it's a process. Although things happened to me-- I didn't choose them-- they chose me and that really is not my problem-- my job is merely to overcome the challenges-- to except them full heatedly-- no matter what happens to me it's not a reflection of the type of person I am.

When you strip away all of the things that aren't about you-- it's really a huge weight that's lifted-- a burden that was always too heavy and never intended for me to bare. When that weight is lifted the most beautifully awful thing happens-- you start to realize that all of those things that weren't about you are gone-- and what's left IS about you! That's where it can be difficult; to admit what YOU have done to impact the lives of others in both a positive and negative way because that really is ALL ABOUT YOU.

I have a lot more to say about all of this- but I wanted to share with you what is up and coming with this blog. It's just another discovery for me on the journey that I feel compelled to share with you.

246.5 --You've lost 40 lbs in Your Face

2009-04-15T18:05:00.000-07:00

I periodically will send "progress" photos to close friends and family. One thing that was getting a little annoying is that my Mom kept saying "I can really tell you lost weight in your face" -- I was hoping after 47lbs a lot more than my face would look thinner. -- But something utterly amazing happened. I came across a photo of me at my highest weight-- and I couldn't believe how much different my face really did look. So for fun I created a montage of photos of my face. The top 3 are me at my heaviest and the lower 4 read from left to right in order of heaviest to lightest. The two to the far right were taken this past week when I was on vacation. You really can see quite a difference. I plan on posting more pics once I get them from my friend Sarah, who I was down visiting. A majority of the pics were taken on her camera and now she has a virus on her comp-- there are some full bodies on there that I'll share with you guys when I get them.

47lbs in my face.. not bad really I guess. :o)

I'm Back! 247

2009-04-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a short post just to let you know I'm still around and kicking. These past 3 weeks have been very difficult because I've been dealing with my two herniated discs in my back. This last week was also the week I spent down in New Orleans/ Biloxi -- unfortunately the week before I left I hurt my back and it started to feel better and then the plane ride really did a number on it.. then is started to feel better and the plane ride home made it worse again. I then went on a 5 hour drive to my Grandma's for Easter and back again (again making my healing back worse) at this point it's the worst it's been over the 3 week period. I'm considering going into the doctor for it :o(. This also means I haven't been able to be as active as I've wanted-- I haven't stepped on the scale until today where it shows I've gone from 242 to 247-- well see how accurate a reading this is over the next couple of days.. if it does prove to be accurate it will be very disappointing. I'm getting anxious to get back to the gym. I will post more pictures when I get a chance (I've felt really bad being away from the blog so long).

Vacation Destination!!!! 243

2009-03-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

I am super-d - duper excited about my up coming sojourns! First up is Biloxi Mississippi to visit Sarah and her husband! We're going to tote around New Orleans for a couple of days and just have an outright blast the rest of the time (maybe I'll even be smart to quit when I win money at the "cashino" this time). This trip is just 3 weeks away-- and I couldn't be more excited!

Second on my list of trips this year is my trip to visit one of my best friend's Amber! I'm going to be meeting up with her around memrial day in her home town SAN FRANCISCO and then we're going to head down to San Diego where her aunt has a condo in Corinado! I'm sooo excited! I think we're going to attempt to swim with the dolphins while there-- and bike a lot-- hit up the beach.. and who knows what else! Does anyone have any suggestions for either location?!?!?

Yummy in my Tummy --243

2009-03-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

Introducing my new obsession--- Organic low fat strawberry yogurt-- with fresh frozen fruit (still slightly frozen-- including strawberries, blueberries, blackberries and raspberries) and topped off with a tiny bit of "Just Bunches" cereal...

I've been eating this for breakfast the past week-- if you'll also noticed I've dropped a lot of weight in the last week-- I'm not sure if this is related to being sick (since I wasn't working out) or... by adding something like this which is only about 200 calories for breakfast-- ASIDE from being extra yummy it's super healthy and filling!

After spending 4 bucks a pack on fresh raspberries and blackberries I decided to give the frozen fruit a try-- and to be perfectly honest I get a huge back for 3.25 and the berries all actually have a lot more flavor to them than the fresh fruit (the frozen fruit is pure frozen-- no sugar added). This turned out to be a much cheaper and better tasting alternative. The yogurt runs about $3.00 (comes in a 4 cup tub)-- so the whole meal ends up being super economical when you consider I get about 6 - 8 meals out of the yogurt and fruit!

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2009-03-13T18:30:00.001-07:00

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Family research - Free genealogy websites

A Quickie--- 246.5

2009-03-13T17:15:00.001-07:00

I'm just starting to feel better -- I had to take 2 days off of work this week due to my congestion situation. Unfortunately this has meant no gym time! But I do plan on starting back up (hopefully tomorrow) I'm really excited about the row machine and can't wait to get back on it! -- on a more positive note I've still be able to drop a couple LBs this week! :o)

Sniffle Sniffle 248

2009-03-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

I had a really hard time sleeping last night and I couldn't figure out why.. until my alarm went off and I sat up in bed and realized I couldn't breathe out of my nose-- outstanding-- I also started coughing--- so it looks like overnight I either caught a cold or a sinus infection-- either way not a great way to start the week! I called off work today (and will probably have to cancel my dentist appointment for Thursday).

Bummer for being sick AGAIN. :o(

We Were Boxing... 248

2009-03-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

I absolutely hate daylight savings-- I don't care if I'm "gaining" or "losing" an hour-- it's always annoying.

I've been working out on the elliptical lately and pairing that with the row machine. Yesterday I did 35 minutes on the elliptical and 8 minutes on the row machine. The row machine is TOUGH-- I really tried to tighten my stomach this time and really focus on dropping my back as far back as it would go when I would pull back to row. Since I can't seem to get my abs sore (I don't know why) this actually did the trick-- only slightly though-- so I'm going to really hit the row machine hard tomorrow-- maybe work myself up to 10 minutes.

In other gym news-- if you remember my mixed review on the "Tread Climber". Well all the machines are gone at the gym. Apparently the gym wasn't very pleased with them. They have now been replaced with "stair climbers" where it's actually a revolving escalator that you climb.. interesting concept but kinda lame if you ask me.

In the poetic lyrics department-- today's winner is Jack's Mannequin "Dark Blue"
We were boxing, we were boxing the stars-- we were boxing-- you were swinging for Mars.

I don't know why but I just love those lyrics.

Moving Down the Scale -248.5

2009-03-03T17:27:00.000-08:00

YAY! I'm excited to have moved down! I've officially dropped a notch on the dreaded "doctor's scale". All I can say is I really needed this after yesterday! This is a great achievement and can't wait for the day when I get to move that notch down once more!

Three Strikes I'm out 250.5

2009-03-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

My day started out well-- I actually had a semi- decent day @ work. I got home ready to work out--and I decided to check my myspace and facebook.

I saw a posting from my texas guy's sister. She had posted a bunch of pictures from Valentine's Day (which happens to be her Birthday-- and the day after happens to be her anniversary) As I was looking through the 50 or so photos there were a bunch of "Mr. I just want to be single" and a girl.

Wow! Why am I so easily replaced? Both my ex-fiance and this other guy started dating within a month of breaking up with me. Both now involved in relationships. This is doing wonders for my self-esteem.

So after feeling like I wanted to ball my eyes out I sucked it up and said "I'm going to work this off at the gym" -- so as I go swipe my card at the gym they let me know that my membership "expired" on 02/28. Joy. They said I could work out tonight but after this I need to renew. Now I have to figure out if I want to renew @ 55.00/ month or try out the 24 hour fitness (for I'm not sure how much/ month). Decisions! Can't I just work out!?!?!

I've been frustrated in general with my lack of progress on the scale since Valentines Day (Ironic I know). I'm having a hard time figuring out where my compass is trying to point. I don't know what to do about my job, my living situation, dating situation-- my WORK OUT situation. AHHHHH!

I hit the elliptical for 35 minutes-- then tried something new-- the row machine (which made it difficult to walk -- my toes kept wanting to point downward for the first few steps off the machine) -- I think I'm going to feel the row machine tomorrow (even though I just tried it for 5 minutes).

Fashion Spree- 251.5

2009-02-28T10:29:00.000-08:00

I know I've been MIA for a week. To be honest with you I took a vacation from just about everything this week (including working out *gasp*) I just felt so overwhelmed by the monotony of my life (get up, work, come home, go to the gym, eat dinner, watch TV, bed) in and out every day-- I felt like my life was so boring and routine I just decided to take a vacation from that routine to re-energize and re-focus. I am officially off vacation today (worked out this morning on the eliptical for 35 minutes :o))

What have I been doing? Well... SHOPPING! Z Gallerie is going out of business (so I've been there 3 times this week to pick up on the now 50% off sale). I did some clothes and shoe shopping.

I must say I was really disappointed with Lane Bryant when I got a flyer/ coupon booklet and then when I went online and to the store I found out that the more colorful cool things I was aiming to get had all sold out (including online and warehouse) the SAME DAY the flyer came out. To be honest this really pisses me off. Lane Bryant went against the hum drum drain of plaid shirts (see previous post) but only carry a select number of the more fashion forward items! BOO! This upsets me, especially considering the alternative. Bravo to them for taking a step forward on the correct foot-- boo to them for being conservative in their numbers. Note to self: make a mad dash for the website as soon as I get the next booklet.

Indicently has anyone noticed the color scheme for this season is navy, yellow, green, white and purple-- it's kind of refreshing. Makes me feel like I should be on a sail boat sippin a mojeto.

I have to give some major Kudos to Lane Bryant for thier new approach to taking fashionable shots and hiring a stylist-- look how "WOW" this looks...
On the other hand-- I found a major gap in this on the website. Look on the same page we have the "stylized" model and the one that "did it herself" in the obviously cheaper rendition to the right (and you bet that's the shirt we get). Overall massive improvement-- but we have a way to go before we win the race tortise.Now here are the shoes I bought! Unfortunately the teal and white shoes from French Sole run about 1/2 size too small (and being a size 11 already rules out any hope of my step sister sized feet squeezing into this Cinderella's slipper :o() But on a positive note the other too pairs (brought to us by Me Too and Jessica Bennett Kurt) fit GREAT! GO TEAM!

That's a Whole Lot of Ugly -250

2009-02-18T16:26:00.001-08:00

To go with my previous post about being "Thin Enough for Fashion" -- I was browsing a plus sized part of a website only to be smacked in the face by a whole lot of ugly. What is the point of having so many plaid shirts-- not only that but UGLY plaid shirts? Did Al Borland have a garage sale (I don't think so, Tim)? Has Paris Hilton been showing up in the back 9 barn making hoe downs all the rage? YUCK!Plus sized department: I'm embarrassed enough for you! STOP THE INSANITY! Ask any woman of any age or size if this is the ideal outfit-- something that makes her feel sexy-- and I'd venture to say every single woman could find something that would make her feel sexier.

Especially in a time like this where the economy is not so great and people are holding on to their money-- don't pitch trash-- and don't buy into the trash! Every piece of clothing I buy makes me feel sexy and like a woman (as much as possible). Literally every piece of clothing I have I feel like I could wear on a date and feel like a complete woman (t-shirts included). -- If it's not helping your cause it's hurting it.

I'm not trying to pick on this store-- because the problem is much larger than that-- it's a bias against larger women. Think how great a fashion forward plus sized store would do? Think how much happier women would be about their bodies if they could wear just as cute clothes as the next girl.

Woot Woot! 250.5

2009-02-17T15:50:00.000-08:00

This past week I've been seriously kickin butt and takin names (mainly my own name and booty!). I've only taken one day off since--gosh I think the previous week? They've upped the time limit from 30 minutes @ the gym to 50 minutes on a lot of the machines even though it still says 30 minute limit so I've been doing the max the machine would allow me all this past week-- meaning 50 or 60 minutes (+the 5 minute cool down) -- yesterday I ended up burning 690 calories in 65 minutes RAWK ON! :o)

I'm so excited about 250.5!!! Just 1.5 more lbs and I will be down 40lbs from my highest weight-- and that's exciting for someone wants to lose about 100lbs. YAY! GO TEAM HIGH FIVE!

I want to be Thin Enough for Fashion 254

2009-02-14T20:25:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have never been overweight.. you probably don't realize how difficult it is for overweight girls to get any nods from the fashion industry. It's amazing how many stores do not carry plus sized clothing at all-- or maybe just on their websites. If you're lucky enough to find a store that actually carries plus sized dresses-- they normally have a very small collection that tend air on the extremely matronly side of things. If you don't believe me, walk into any department store to the women's section. What you will find is a couple of suits (these skirt suits will undoubtedly have an elastic waist band). You will also find a dress or two that is really more of a smock (cut the same from breast to ankle) that will be in white and one in beige completely covered in sequence. There will also be an array of black sheath dresses, and one or two large flower print dresses with a short sleeved sweater over the top.

It's always angered me that the world seems to think if I'm a little heavier I shouldn't have the desire to be feminine (or worse yet that if I'm overweight I can't be feminine-- or what would be the point of being feminine because no one would care to look at me?) Since I've always been overweight I've always thought that the mindset of the fashion world should change-- but since I'm in this process of losing weight (and *gasp* conforming to the image of beauty) I have to tell you that I can not wait til I get to the point where I can shop for little summer dresses that I can pair with pumps, large belts and chunky necklaces. LOL I have a "feminine itch" I need to scratch and NO not THAT KIND of Feminine itch lol.I want to wear skirts and be fashionable and throw in my own retro kick to it. I want to be able to walk around without feeling like I need to "correct my curves" with spanks. I want to be cute, and kitchy and above all feeling like I am the girl I always wanted to be. It's going to be amazing and I can't wait.

I'm Losing It! 254.5

2009-02-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

For Christmas I got an iphone! It's one of those gadgets (much like Tivo) that once you have it you have no idea how you ever lived without it! About a week ago I was browsing the "free apps" and found a program called "Lose it". I absolutely LOVE this program. Basically you input your height, weight, age--- how much weight you'd like to lose per week and your goal weight. Lose it calculates how many calories/ day you should consume to achieve your goal for the week (ie 1 lbs / week etc). -- it even projects at your current criteria when you should hit your "goal weight"-- (it told me OCT for me)

But wait! It gets better! You record your calories by searching for the foods in a database-- you can then choose your portion size and it show you the nutritional breakdown. You can have it record fat, carbs, calories, protein and a bunch of other stuff-- it then subtracts this from your daily budget of calories. What's even better it saves your "foods" -- for instance pretty much every day I have a spinach salad for lunch-- so I can go into "my foods" and locate that meal so I can use it over and over again (or even slightly modify it) etc. It compiles all of this info into a daily and weekly journal so you can see how much (on average) you consume daily or weekly in carbs, fat, calories etc.

I know you thought I was done... you can ALSO include your work outs--- it has a HUGE array of activities including (and this one made me giggle) "sexual activity" which you can put intensity level-- I was interested to find out you can kiss for over an hour and still burn 0 calories according to the program :o)

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL (thanks so much Ron Popeil) you can also record your daily weight and it will chart it for you on a graph.

I know I sound like a salesman (well I did used to be one) but honestly this is a free application for iphone and I'm extatic about it! I've been using it for about a week.. and I'm still trying to figure out how accurate it is-- it tells me I can eat 1800 calories a day and I will lose 2 lbs a week-- to me that seems a little high but I'm going to test it out and let you know when my results are conclusive (but that's another great feature about this program-- I can adjust my "daily" calorie budget if I'm not getting the results it calculates I should. All in all it's a great tool-- and I love recording it all so I can track progress and look back on how things change. I'm nerdy like that :o)

I worked out every day this week (well I'm counting the day I only worked out for 5 minutes and then sustained an injury :o( ) and tonight is no exception--- I'm headed there now!

Am I Out for the Season Coach? 253.5

2009-02-10T20:37:00.000-08:00

Well after that last post about how everything seems to keep getting in my way I have to share what happened to me yesterday.

On Sunday I tried a new machine at the gym (trying to spice it up)-- it's an arc trainer-- basically has the same motion of an elliptical-- but you're in more a squat the whole time. I felt like this gave my legs and butt a great workout (and afterwards I hopped on the treadmill for 35 minutes)-- I loved the workout so much I decided to try it out again last night.

About 5 minutes into the work out on the arc trainer I got a severe pain in my left inner thigh (remember how I said I felt like I had a slight sprain in my groin). Well this pain was just bellow that and it felt like the tendon in my inner thigh popped out-- it kept burning and I was just trying to work through the pain and decided after a minute that I was probably doing more harm than good. I had the idea of hopping on the treadmill and walking it off-- well I limped all the way to the treadmill and put the speed on 2.0 and still had trouble working through it and keeping up with the speed-- after about 3 minutes of that I decided I better just go home :o(.

I am glad to report though that today I still feel a little tinge in my inner thigh/ groin-- but was able to walk on the treadmill for 35 minutes at 3.5 miles per hour-- slower than usual and I was only able to burn about 290 calories in that time (vs about 380 @ 4.0 speed) but I am pleased I was able to get that done.

I plan on taking it easy the next couple of days but still working out!

Pinky and the Brain - 254.5

2009-02-08T10:18:00.001-08:00

I'm sorry for the lack of posting this week. It seems as of late that all of the forces of nature have been plotting against my desire to loose weight. I must say I worked out on Monday and then on Tuesday we had yet another snow storm. I was scheduled to work until 6 (as usual) but I could see from my desk that 71 was a standstill. Everyone was trying to find out why and it was a combination of a jack knifed semi and 275 beings shut down. I decided to try and wait it out and just work late and leave earlier one day later that week. Well I ended up staying until about 8pm and decided I couldn't stand being at work anymore and although 71 was still @ a standstill I was going to take the "back way" home. What a HUGE mistake that turned out to be. I live 23 miles from work and normally take 71 straight home (which takes about 30 minutes depending on traffic). Imagine how annoyed I was when I kept watching the time tick by in the car knowing the YMCA closed @ 10pm. At 10:00 I was actually sitting in traffic on the "back road" only 5 miles from work. I didn't end up getting home until after 11:30pm.

I was able to make it to the gym on Wed and Thursday-- and Sat-- but I can't help but feel annoyed at how many obstacles I've been coming across in trying to work out. Actually on Thursday when I worked out I decided to put in 45 minutes on the treadmill instead of the 35 I have been doing here lately-- and I ended up with a blister on the bottom and side of my foot -- in addition to continually fighting what feels like a slightly pulled groin. (Hence why I didn't work out on Friday) but you will be happy to know that I did pull a full hour on the treadmill on Sat (and plan to do an intense work out a little later today).

But back to being annoyed-- I've been fighting through emotions, about 4 or 5 illnesses (I've lost count at this point)-- and weather. All I want to do is work out and get this weight off-- that's it! Seems simple enough! This made me think of one of my favorite cartoons, Pinky and the Brain. For those of you who aren't familiar it's a cartoon about two lab rats, one names Pinky (who runs on very very low wattage) and the other Brain (who is literally and figuratively the brain of the operation).

The intro is my favorite "Dah Brain what are we going to do tonight" and Brain replies "Same thing we try to do every night Pinky, try to take over the world" -- I've attached a copy of the opening in this post-- please watch! Anyway-- this is what I feel like sometimes. "What are we going to do tonight Ana?" "Same thing we attempt to do every night-- work out and lose weight"-- something stupid seems to keep getting in the way of my weight loss grandeur. Regardless I'm trying to keep up with it-- and not let it get me down-- keep myself motivated despite obstacles (because God knows how much more easy it is to give up when you're facing resistance head on).

I'm going to try and be better about posting this week!!

"You Haven't Registered for Your Wedding" 256

2009-02-02T20:17:00.001-08:00

Those of you who follow regularly know that my fiance and I broke up around Oct. Well-- I went to a wedding expo say mid July-- and we hadn't officially set a date but we knew it was going to be in the spring. How depressing is it that I keep getting voicemails from various stores I indicated I would like to register at. Normally I'll get a call while I'm at work on my cell phone (so I don't pick it up) and the message goes something like this... "Hi Anastasia-- I hope the planning for your wedding is going well. We still have yet to have you and Devin register for your May wedding-- please stop by anytime and we'd be happy to register you!"

lol THANKS for that-- I haven't registered because I'm NO LONGER ENGAGED lol--Anyway-- interestingly enough I have been looking at some wedding stuff (ie flowers and bridesmaid dresses) at this point who knows if I'll ever have the opportunity to exercise these decisions-- but I thought I'd share some inspirational images anyway.

My original colors were going to be orange and fuchsia (I know it sounds gross but I promise it's not) -- my new color scheme is purple, orange and green-- I think it will be superb -- I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

OH YES and I DID work out today :o)

Pssssssssssstttt OVER HERE! 256

2009-01-31T14:00:00.000-08:00

So I know I've been MIA for the past week and I'm sorry! The following are not excuses but merely explanation--

To my dismay last Sunday I got a headache that decided not to leave until wed (which incidentally was the day we had a snow storm/ ice storm). It was so crazy that they declared a level 3 snow emergency which means the only vehicles allowed on the road are emergency vehicles. What this in turn did was make it impossible for me to work on Wed (when I actually started feeling better)--

back to what was going on with my headache-- I also had a severely stiff neck and the muscles in my calves were so stiff and tight -- I have no idea why I had these symptoms-- and I can't tell if all of this was due to pushing myself too hard at the gym or something completely unrelated.

Anyway-- because my work decided NOT to pay us for the day that by law we could not go to work-- I had to try and make up some time and could only do so on Thursday and Friday-- which basically meant I didn't get home until about 9pm on both days-- too late to go to the gym.

BUT-- I DID go to the gym today. Something else that happened this week aside from not working out-- was NOT watching what I ate that closely-- I still ate pretty well but I actually had a hamburger and frosty from Wendy's one day-- and some chicken strips and a coke on another day. --- it's been interesting to me that my weight has not fluctuated at all from 256 over the this past week-- I did have a minor scare on Wed night when I decided to weigh myself before bed-- 261-- WHAT that's 5lbs (remember what I said about knowing my body)-- by the AM when I weighed myself again I was back down to 256-- who knows how or why this happens-- but rest assured I'm back at it this week!

Here are some photos of the ice storm-- hope you enjoy!

I WANT CUPCAKES! 256

2009-01-25T10:37:00.000-08:00

So I was watching my weekly dose of " The Soup" on Friday and they had the must amusing/ scary clip I've ever seen! Luckily I was able to figure out how to embed the youtube file into the blog (it took a little bit of effort on my part).

Anyway watch the clip! Basically I can empathize completely with the way this dog looks. All I want is to eat a whole plate of cupcakes--- it's not that unreasonable is it? Imagine yourself being this dog-- and the "trainer" being your diet-- it's quite amusing-- I promise you will LOL. :o)

I'm off to hit the gym today (I need to hit it doubly hard because I didn't yesterday)-- hope you enjoy the clip!

The Spread - 256

2009-01-24T16:49:00.000-08:00

I hit the gym last night-- same old workout but actually did some weights-- today I fell asleep and slept past the time the gym was open (7pm) so I'm going to either have to fight the possessed treadmill in the basement or walk up and down the stairs-- or something to get in some exercise yet tonight (I'll let you know tomorrow how that works out)

Anyway I did want to share with you my grocery shopping experience today! I was so excited about all of these nutritional finds/ choices I made--- I also want to share my own *special* recipe on how to make tuna salad (what I had for lunch today).

Here's a pictures of the spread-- this is literally everything I bought-- (well sans 24 rolls of tp)
HOLD UP LET ME CALL A TIME OUT TO TALK ABOUT THIS!!Has anyone ever thought about how undignified it feels to buy toilet paper--- you always have to buy at least 6 rolls-- sometimes 12 or 24-- of course the double roll kind-- today I bought the 24 rolls because I absolutely hate buying tp. 24 rolls though-- man you have to lug that into the house all by itself-- freaking huge. Especially when you're a single gal--it's like announcing to the world "hey I spend a lot of time in the bathroom". *stepping off soap box*

So here is a list of what I bought
*tuna* *propel (I like to buy the 1 liter in mixed berry flavor--- I always drink one of these at work-- and the best part is at Walmart the 1 liter sells for $1.00)*
*cherries, blueberries, green grapes* *baby spinach and Caesar salad mix* *fat free italian dressing* *light balsamic dressing* *guacamole* *tostitos chips* *pico de gallo* *greek salad mix (basically feta, onions and tomatoes)* *eggs**acai and pomegrante juice* *cottage cheese**skinny cow icecream cones (only 150 calories)**go lean cereal* *just bunches cereal* *35 calorie whole wheat bread*--- all of this came to a grand total of $71.00 ouch-- but I have to say I'm very happy with all of my choices-- (although mildly disappointed with the tostitos-- I'm having problems controlling myself to eat those in moderation)

I should mention that before I talked about using Bistro MD as my meal plan-- but I haven't really used that since about Thanksgiving-- it's making choices like those I made today--- and choosing smaller portions -- or alternatives which has really helped me succeed.

Now on to the TUNA SALAD. Incidentally for lunch @ work I've basically been buying just tuna salad for lunch (no bread)-- the tuna salad they make is awesome with cut up little red onions and celery-- very little mayo and lots of good spices-- I just fill up on that and fruit for lunches. I decided this weekend to make my own tuna salad which has had rave reviews by some friends. I want to share it with you!
The ingredients-- light miracle whip, tuna, dill pickles, guacamole, two slices of 35 calorie whole wheat bread, dill weed, seasoned salt, paprika and onion powder-- typically I also like a slice of lettuce and tomato to accompany this sandwich but the tomatoes didn't look great @ the store-- so I made due with a side of pico.

Ok so it's pretty self explanatory-- I do everything to taste--but one secret I will tell you is that you should take a tablespoon of pickle juice (yes the dill pickle juice) and add it to the tuna salad mixture-- (this is a secret from my Grandma)

I was a little disappointed with my salad today-- it's been a while since I made mine with miracle whip (sometimes I just go without it all together and add in all the spices to the tuna)-- basically I put in too much miracle whip and had to add another can of tuna-- but it still wasn't the best tuna salad I've ever made.

ANYWAY-- moving on-- I toasted the bread and slapped on some guacamole on one side-- tuna salad on the other and some pickles to the top. I want to let you know that I know guacamole isn't the BEST food -- but it does have a lot of *good fat* in it-- and this particular guacamole is 50 calories for 2 tbs and 1 gram of fat per 2 tbs-- so in perspective it's not that bad.

So here is the final product. I did add some grape tomatoes and pico on the side (but didn't take a photo). If you try it let me know what you think!!!! If I wasn't really watching what I eat I'd probably add a slice of provolone to this sandwich and call it a day!Incidentally did you notice I'm down to 256 today (yesterday I was thinking while working out-- tomorrow I'm going to weight 255-- well I didnt' get what I was hoping for but I'll still take it :o))

Cutting out the Fat and the Cancer --258

2009-01-22T20:19:00.000-08:00

Today I continued on my 90 in 09 quest and hit the gym up for 35 minutes on the treadmill. I burned a total of 375 calories.

What I really want to tell you about is how I've decided to cut out the fat and cancer. What do I mean by that-- well I'm cutting out my fat-- I'm getting rid of the things I don't need--

When you have cancer (unless it's beyond help-- terminal) the doctors go in to cut it out. If they can't cut it out they kill your immune system to get rid of it. So that's exactly what I decided to do last night-- cut out the cancer. It's painful yes-- but I decided to completely let go of that guy-- I deleted him as a friend on myspace-- he was causing me so much anguish over telling me all of these wonderful things and then outright rejecting me for the way I looked. -- all this in turn has done is make me angry and sad at the same time-- it's been distracting and killing me softly-- so I decided to cut him out-- kill the cancer that was killing my focus-- that was killing my self esteem.

Now for the healing process-- I deserve better-- I'm more than a sparkling personality-- so much more and I don't need a cancer that makes me think or feel otherwise.

The Possesed Treadmill 258

2009-01-21T20:15:00.000-08:00

In the deep recesses of my basement stands a treadmill that is folded up-- a nordictrack solaris to be exact. It's been sitting in my basement for about 10 months-- it was placed there by my parents. I know they had issues with it so I assumed it was DOA. When I was talking to my Mom the other night about the hours of the YMCA and how particularly on the weekend it's hard to get to the gym in the allotted hours. She mentioned to me that I should use the treadmill in the basement after inquisition she revealed the treadmill indeed worked.

Well I know myself pretty well and I know if I don't actually go to the gym I don't push myself as hard. Under the circumstances-- between being sick and my utter distrust of my tivo actually recording all 3 hours of the LOST premiere I decided to "take one for the team" and swipe the cobwebs off the solaris.

It was more difficult than I thought to even pull the machine into a place where I could drop the bed down (the wheels on the machine are in an awkward place that render them virtually useless). Once I got the treadmill into a spot where I could drop the bed, I realized that the cord was only about 4 feet long (why do all treadmill companies feel that the front of your machine should only be 4 feet from the wall?)-- anyway that's a gripe in and of itself. My point is I then I had to search for an extension cord-- which I didn't have. --- My brain started working and I figured out that I actually had a power cord strip that was just long enough to bridge the divide between the socket and the minx tail of a power cord. I plugged her in and SUCCESS I saw the light on the power cord light up (I wasn't entirely confident that the socket I plugged it into actually had power). I hopped on the treadmill with so much enthusiasm only to be perplexed as to why nothing on the machine was lighting up! I remember there was a "reset" button on the actual treadmill so I flipped that on and off-- still nothing--- then I see a "key" emblem adorning an indentation that was reminiscent of a half dollar-- what kind of key would go in there? I saw then that there was a strap wrapped around the side of the grip bar with a circular adaptation (which magnetically attaches to the indentation)... POWERED UP and ready to go now!

I jumped on the treadmill again and messed with the speed-- up to 3.8mph @ 6% inclination. As I'm getting comfortable about 3 minutes in (and finding the built in fan) I noticed that all of the sudden the belt was moving slower and slower to a stop! WHAT? I proceeded to walk and actually move the belt myself which somehow triggered the machine to boost into warp speed 5 mph-- so I was faced with running or falling off-- in a split second decision I found myself running-- then the machine readjusted to about 4 mph and stayed there--- until 30 seconds later it powered down again to nothing. I thought "damn it-- the one time I try and work out at home and this happens" I went through these cycles of nothing to warp 10 s and settling every minute or so until I hit 10 minutes. I considered giving up all together but I remembered my commitment for the 90 in 09 and decided running or not I would have to stick it out for at least 20 minutes.

Once I was about 10 minutes into the work out the belt stopped moving all together again-- and never decided to pick back up. I figured that I was probably getting more of a work out making that belt move with my leg power than with a machine that pulls the belt-- I hit 19 minutes (1 minute before I was going to throw in the towel) and the belt started turning @ 6 miles an hour-- I decided this must have been Divine intervention and that I would just stick with it and RUN (not taking the mph down at all)-- now I've mentioned before that I'm horrible at running-- I'm just not built for it being drastically uncoordinated-- being flat footed and knock kneed-- but I figured-- heck it's only going to work for another 30 seconds or so-- wouldn't you know that thing kept going for about 4 minutes when I decided I couldn't stand to run anymore or I would pass out. I bumped the mph back down to 4mph and the belt gave way again-- I decided to throw in the towel at that point which was 23 minutes.

That being said I think I'll just stick to going to the gym. Too much drama getting in the way of my work out-- even though it is kinda funny-- the last thing I need is a possessed treadmill.

I then went upstairs and watched LOST holy cow I love that show! Is anyone else here a LOST fan?

Third Time's a Charm --257

2009-01-20T20:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I stuck with the idea of kicking it into high gear at the gym-- I walked for an hour and burned about 650 calories! When I got home though I started feeling really sick-- stuffy nose sick (like what I just got over about 3 or 4 days ago-- only this time much worse)

I had trouble sleeping last night-- and woke up a few times during the night. Both times I woke up with my mouth wide open and everything inside (including my esophagus) completely bone dry-- and it wasn't just bone dry it was the kind of (pardon my honesty) phlegm covered then dried out scenario.

I can't help but wonder why (since I've been working out) I've managed to be sick 3 times. The first illness came on like the flu right before Thanksgiving -- but ended up being a deep cough that lasted about 3 weeks-- I would cough so much and so hard that I would throw up-- BAD

Two weeks ago I got the common cold that hung on for a week and a half--- then last night this came on-- I can't help but wonder if this is somehow related to working out-- like maybe I'm pushing myself too hard-- or not getting enough of a certain vitamin or nutrient? Regardless I'm tired of being sick!

In spite of feeling sick I still went to the gym... I took it easy on the treadmill slower pace-- low inclination and only 35 minutes. I'm going to genuinely try and make this through-- keep with my 90 in 09 challenge and do at least 20 -30 minutes of exercise a day.

Let me share with you what I have been doing on the treadmill. I keep my pace at a steady 4mph. For the first 10 minutes I walk with no inclination. Once I hit 10 minutes in I increase the inclination to 1. Once I hit 15 minutes in I increase to 2-- 20 minutes in 2.5-- 25 minutes in 3-- 24 minutes in 3.5 inclination -- 26 minutes in 4.0-- 27 minutes in 4.5 -- 28 minutes in 5.0-- 29 minutes in 5.5-- 29.5 minutes in 6 inclination-- then from the 30-35 minute there is a cool down-- so the machine basically drops to 0 inclination and a speed of 3.2 mph to bring down my heart rate. I found this is a great progressive work out and I think I will continue on with for a while.

PS did you notice my weight went down again-- new low of 257!

90 in 09 Challenge- 259.5

2009-01-18T14:26:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to my favorite radio station, KLOVE and kept hearing about Big Daddy Weave's goal to lose 90lb in 09. He's been documenting his journey of weight loss online and you can join him in the challenge. Basically the challenge consists of 3 daily commitments.

1) Nutrition: Recognizing that the purpose of foods I eat is to provide my body with the fuel it needs, I commit to make choices that are nutritious and appropriate in portion size.

2) Exercise: Realizing the positive impact that exercise has on my overall well being, I will spend a total of 20 - 30 minutes each day engaged in physical activity.

3)Worship: Believing that true overall health encompasses spiritual growth which comes from spending time with God, I choose to set aside time each day to be solely devoted to Him.

While admit that this is going to be challenging (especially #2) I have committed to joining in the challenge! If you too would like to join simply visit the website and sign up! They will be sending out weekly support info and the website is updated almost daily with the progress of Mike Weaver. They promise to provide helpful tips along the way as well! It seems like a simple challenge but there is a lot of commitment involved!

Today I went to the gym and really woke myself up about how half- assed my workouts have been as of late-- so I ended up on the treadmill for 70 minutes burning 630 calories and also did some weights on my thighs--- I need to start kicking it into high gear. I'm now more than ever considering hiring a personal trainer-- it just makes me nervous I guess. I mean I've already been able to loose quite a bit on my own... but I think the added support and techniques will probably help me to arrive at my goal much sooner.

Some New Pictures!

2009-01-17T17:40:00.000-08:00

ok so today I was waiting for my prescription in the store and walked down the isle with all the mirrors-- seeing as my last pictures were a little blurry I thought I'd try and take a picture with my iphone-- much better result!

I also went shopping *for clothes that fit a little better* and took the liberty of doing the same in the changing room-- lol kinda lame I know.. but I hope you enjoy the pictures-- and if you see a difference PLEASE TELL ME!-- note to self-- next time I should try and look nice-- I was concentrating so hard on not being blurry I look mean! :o) I'm not I promise!

BTW after I went shopping I went to work out! Wahoo!

Where I've Been - 259

2009-01-17T06:36:00.001-08:00

I was able to gain access of a couple of pictures from my friend Sarah's wedding (when I was @ 281.5). The dress may not have been the most flattering but you can definitely see the top portion is super form fitting---- it allows you to see a little of where I've been.

I went to the gym last night and plan on hitting it again today. Yesterday I did the treadmill 35 minutes-- and I bumped up the weights I do on my inner and outer thighs to 130lbs-- I'm feeling that in my left inner thigh today-- I've been reluctant to bump up the weight because I don't want to look like a body builder when all is said and done-- my main objective is to tone and get the fat off.

Forward Forward Always Forward-- 258.5

2009-01-15T20:29:00.000-08:00

“Forward, forward always forward.
Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.”

These are the words of General Patton. Ironically I heard them on the radio yesterday on my way home-- these words have stayed with me since I heard them-- and I need to share what I've been through.

Yesterday was awful. I got off work late with every intention of going to the gym. As I started driving home I came up with every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn't go to the gym. I could name the excuses but what it really boiled down to is that I didn't want to go. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you-- I simply didn't want to. (and yes my desire to go-- and then not go did change that quickly)

What you don't know is that my ex-fiance and I have been in communication over the past two days via email and text. All of these feelings came boiling to the surface and what I really wanted to do was run back to him-- but I know right now that is the wrong thing.

What then ensued was a long list of emotions. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt ...self pity. I felt fat. I felt ugly. I felt like nothing mattered. I didn't care about working out-- I thought about giving up.

On my way home I stopped by Q'doba (for those of you who aren't familiar it's basically Chipotle). I ordered the vegetarian burrito (rice, black beans, cheese, guacamole, sour cream, and pico) I knew this was a bad choice-- but I didn't care. I took it home-- I drank a sprite (which I never drink soda)-- it's one that was left over from when the other guy was in town. I ate the whole burrito-- then I had a "skinny cow" ice cream.

Then I sat there and felt guilty--

I was mad at guy two for rejecting me for being FAT. I was mad at myself for how I let myself go. I was mad that I didn't go to the gym that night. I was mad that I didn't control my emotions and allowed all that food to overfill my empty stomach which in turn did nothing to fill the void I was feeling. I then was sad. I upset that I would even consider running right from one guy back to the other-- and never allowing myself to grieve. The whole thing was a mess. I was a mess.

Then I remembered the quote I had heard on the radio on the way home... “Forward, forward always forward. Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.” It did mean something to me-- and I'm not just saying that. I've gone through a lot these past few months-- a lot of hurt and rejections on more than one level. Yet I look at what I've accomplished so far. I can't just give up on myself-- I can't let these emotions get in the way of my goals-- I especially can't let the food get in the way.

This morning I woke up to an email from my ex-fiance saying he can't do it-- he can't be "friends" it's causing too much turmoil-- and I guess to a certain extent I agreed. We both need to focus-- we both need to grow---

As much as I wanted to go the gym when I got off work today-- I just really didn't want to again. But with a day like yesterday and the tremendous amount of guilt I had-- I decided yesterday I had to commit to going for the rest of the week. So when I got home I went to the gym. I got on that treadclimber again (the second trial run of it) and I hit it hard with weights. When I was finished working out (which incidentally only was about 40 minutes) I couldn't believe how AWESOME I felt-- my body thanked me for working out-- I haven't felt that good after working out in a long while (probably more than a year). It wasn't that emotionally I felt better-- it was just the way my body felt. I knew then that I was doing the right thing. I've been doing the right thing. I just have to keep moving forward---- always.

It's been a tough couple of days-- I'm not going to lie-- but I'm making it through.
“Forward, forward always forward. Never sideways. Never backwards and certainly never giving up.”

Back at it --259

2009-01-13T20:37:00.000-08:00

Ok-- so I'm up to 259 today-- but I'm not stressed-- my floor is now 257.5-- what I mean by that is that I'm not an expert by any means on weight loss or fitness etc-- but keeping track of my weight on a daily basis has given me some insight on when to worry and when not to worry. I know my body-- what I know is that I hit an all time low number and my weight pops up-- it's like a ball hitting the floor and bouncing. I know my weight on a daily basis will fluctuate up to 5 lbs from that floor-- and it's normally a steady climb over a couple days before I will see the floor again. The ball normally bounces twice before it drops lower. Everyone's different and that's why I encourage you to decode your own body and weight loss.

I'm feeling MUCH better today (I can actually breathe through my nose now!!!) So after work and going to the store I hit up the gym... since I'm still under the weather and have been away from exercising for a few days I decided to take it slow--- treadmill for 35 minutes-- I only inclined during the last 10 minutes and kept a pace of about 3.8-- I didn't do any weights afterward. -- I imagine I will be feeling even better tomorrow and hit it harder at the gym then!

In the mean time I need some advice-- I'm having an issue dropping weight on my lower stomach ( this is partially do to limitations I have in exercising because I have herniated discs on both L4 and L5 that really prevents me from doing anything laying on my back ie sit ups or circles with my legs etc that target lower abs) . I also am wanting to try and target my back fat-- I'm not even sure if there is an exercise for that?

I've been seriously considering hiring a personal trainer just for the purpose of showing me how to target those areas without hurting myself-- but money is tight and so is my time-- any tips are much appreciated!!!

Say WHAT? 257.5

2009-01-12T17:08:00.000-08:00

This morning I got up for work and took a look at myself in the mirror (as I do every morning) today I thought "wow I look thinner than I did yesterday! "Like I do every morning I hopped on the scale-- what then ensued can only be best described as a joyfully spontaneous rendition of the beloved limbo song "HOW LOW CAN SHE GO?!?!" -- now that's enthusiasm.. 257.5

In my enthusiasm I also decided to take my measurements-- 44 bust (that changed since deflation station +1) 38 waist (that's down 1) and 50 hip (that's down one too!)

Just an update-- still feeling under the weather today-- I'm hoping I'll feel well enough tomorrow to head back to the gym!

The Sickening Reality --259

2009-01-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

So the good news? I'm 259 today--- so I know that I really did bust through my plateau-- down 4 lbs in 2 days-- all the more reason to continue to weigh myself daily! The bad news is this cold has come on even stronger-- I'm feeling dizzy sitting/ standing -- I keep coughing-- my nose wont stop running-- I keep sneezing--- and the medicine I'm taking (OTC) is not really making me feel any better-- to top it all off I just ran out of kleenexs and should probably go to the store but don't feel like mustering up the energy to do so-- needless to say this is another non- gym day-- and that really bums me out-- if this wasn't my second week back at work I would probably call off work tomorrow-- but seeing as it is my second week of work--- I know it looks bad to call off--so I'm just going to have to find a way to make it through :o( -- curse you rhinovirus and your little germs too!

A Confession--- 260.5

2009-01-10T17:08:00.000-08:00

So here's my confession ready for this? One of my best friends, Kai has her 31st B-day on Monday-- so to celebrate we decided to go to CHEESECAKE FACTORY! We split an order of taquitos (total of 4 so 2 and 2-- it's an appetizer) and we both had a slice of cheesecake. I actually had the lemon raspberry-- I didn't eat all of it-- and I avoided a majority of the whipped cream. It was a splurge on my part-- but I took it in moderation-- and I don't feel bad about. I was planning on hitting the gym afterward-- but to my dismay found out it closed tonight @ 7 (not 10 like I thought) so no I didn't get a work out in-- and that is very disappointing to me! I guess I'm just going to have to take this day off-- since I'm still sick it might actually be a good thing! -- I honestly and sincerely did want to go!

I also attempted to take some "progress photos" today-- unfortunately I have incredibly unsteady hands and the lighting was not the best-- so please tolerate the blurriness of the photos-- they were the best of the 30 I took! They are clear enough for you to get the idea....

Did anyone notice that I dropped from 263 to 260.5 in a day? -- that means overall I'm down 28.5 lbs from my heaviest -- and 21 lbs since I really started trying to loose the weight-- this is a victory-- especially after I was plateauing there for a while-- I broke through!

Deflation Station --- 263

2009-01-09T20:45:00.001-08:00

Just to let you know I'm feeling incredibly emotionally drained today! I think I've cried more in these past 3 months than I have in the past 10 years (and that's no joke).

Where to start? well---- I started getting sick yesterday-- like super runny nose sick-- it all starts with a sneeze-- then another and another and then full blown sick. I got super frustrated because I thought "great now that I'm getting on track with going to gym -- I'm going to get too sick to go" -- today I fought tooth and nail to keep this cold at bay-- I've been using zicam and popping "tylenol sinus and severe congestion" every four hours. -- I've been drinking fluids-- including OJ for a boost of vitamin C-- and avoiding dairy (cause in case you didn't know-- dairy makes congestion worse).

Regardless I drug myself to the gym... I just did a lower intensity work out but did walk for 35 minutes and do a few weights-- I figured as long as I worked out a little I'd be in better shape than sitting on the couch @ home.

Back to deflation-- I took my measurements this morning bust 43 (wait what? where are my boobs going? I knew this was bound to happen-- and I did think they looked a little deflated this morning-- hence the measurement)-- waist 39 (no change :o() and hips 51 (improved).

To top off my mood today the guy I've been talking about lost his job today-- I found this out from his sister-- and no he hasn't talked to me.. I tried to leave him some encouragement with 3 texts to his phone and a message I left on his myspace page (which he immediately deleted) -- I think I'm just going to delete him as a friend all together-- I'm feeling too emotional about everything-- and part of me feels like he just needs space to work through his issues with his grandmas and with losing his job and another part of me thinks I've just got the message loud and clear.

What I have decided is that I'm just going to sit here being single (although being disatsified about the thought of it)-- I need time to get over these last two guys-- and time to focus on my weight loss goals-- I think I'm getting sick because I'm stressed out about just starting my new job-- the guys-- and my impatience with losing weight-- and forcing myself to the gym every day-- I just need to focus.

At the suggestion of a lot of comments I'm going to try and get some updated pictures up-- I also wanted to share that I used the "virtual me" to see the difference in weight loss from where I'm at today to where I want to be.-- maybe if I get super amitious tomorrow I will get my friend to take pics of me in similar poses so we can compare the "virtual me" to the real me.

Chasing the Babe --264

2009-01-08T19:26:00.000-08:00

So I bet you thought since I didn't post yesterday-- I didn't work out-- well if you thought that shame on you-- I DID work out yesterday and today-- in fact I've been working out straight since Sunday-- and I plan to go right on through Sunday. Yesterday I did 35 minutes on the treadmill and an intense lifting regimen-- hitting abs, thighs, back, shoulders, triceps and biceps. Today I hit the treadmill for 50 minutes (I found a machine @ the gym they hadn't manipulated to only allow for a 30 minutes work out) -- ok so I felt a little bit guilty hogging the treadmill for 50 minutes-- but I figured I was up for it and after this week deserved an few extra minutes! -- I also did a few weights (only about 10 minutes worth-- but proud of it nonetheless)-- note to self-- second treadmill from the door is now my perfered machine!

When I was walking for those 50 minutes-- I remembered a conversation I had with my oil painting professor a few years ago. He told me to work out he likes to run-- and how he motivates himself is he imagines himself in his prime-- the best he could ever look-- all muscular and suave--- well his "perfect" self is running in front of him-- and all he has to do is catch up to become that person--- I have to admit I laughed at the thought of this--- chasing myself in unbelievable shape--- the kind of shape that turns even the girls heads--- but I can't help but think how effective that strategy is! I often think (since I've always been overweight) how easy my journey would be if I just knew what I would look like @ 175 lbs-- if I knew what I was working for-- how I'd look-- how I'd feel--- I would be so much motivated since I wouldn't be able to stand the wait! I think at this point it's such a foreign thought I have a hard time picturing myself in it for the long haul-- especially when I start plateauing like I have these past two weeks.

Speaking of plateauing-- I remember when I hit a plateau before for about 3 weeks-- and then over night I lost 12 lbs-- literally overnight I did-- I was so amazed and thought "where did all that weight go while I was sleeping?" Our bodies really are incredible! I find solace in the fact that I know I'm doing all I can -- and since I'm doing all I can -- regardless of what the scale is saying I know it's paying off.

Relentlessly chasing the Babe-- one day at a time.

A Victory-- A Defeat and a Baker's Dozen worth of Excuses 263.5

2009-01-06T19:01:00.000-08:00

So-- my second day back at work-- I work 9:30 - 6pm (this is going to be my new schedule)-- We had some bad weather today so getting into work -- and getting home was a challenge. I realized I probably should go to the store to pick up some basic things (but mainly a supply of propel to drink at work)--while in there I saw a package of 4 HUGE triple chocolate chunk cookies on the "oops we baked too much" rack--- I scurried to pick them up and paraded around the store selecting fruit etc... those cookies kept eying me-- and I kept eying them...I kept scolding myself for even picking them up-- but then backing it up with "well you have been working out really hard" -- on my way to the check out-- I just finally challenged myself and said "you don't need those cookies--- you don't even want those cookies-- this will only set you back -- do you want the cookie-- or to loose weight more?" I pulled the cart over to one side grabbed the cookies-- took a good long stare and placed them on the shelf-- to me that was a huge victory!

By the time I got out of there it was 7:30pm -- on the way home I texted the boy I talked about in the first blog (the one that decided he wanted to be single but I still didn't know where we stood)-- I said "I'm not really sure exactly where we stand anymore.,.. but I miss you"---

By the time I got home it was 8-- I was tired and in no mood to go to the gym-- then I started thinking about the cookies and how I put those down.. and how I went to the gym yesterday-- and I kept trying to make an excuse as to why I shouldn't go-- but in reality-- I knew better-- there is absolutely nothing -- NOTHING that should keep me from the gym tonight (aside from the fact I just spend the last 8 hours sitting in a cubical-- all the more reason why I absolutely needed to go).

So I got dressed and hopped in my car-- about 2 minutes from the gym I hear I just got a text message-- I looked down and could see it was a long one-- I knew it was from him and decided--- I just have to get to the gym then I can look .... well once I pulled in I read it "I've been doing some serious thought about my situation-- I think it's best that we stay friends--with everything that's going on" -- well there I was dressed to work out-- sitting in the parking lot of the gym-- not wanting to work out even more -- I texted him back " I felt like you weren't interested when you were in town-- I think we both anticipated things to have gone differently.. I'm not really 100 % sure why that is-- but I think I have a good idea.. we can be friends.. or not be friends... it's up to you" I then stuck my phone in the console-- and went in to work out-- I did 35 minutes on the treadmill and decided to go home without doing weights. I went outside to the car to see if I got a response from him-- and there wasn't one.

I got the "friends" speech from him. I decided that I also have given my body the "friends" speech. We're not going anywhere--there's no romance left... sayonara baby!-- don't get me wrong.. I love myself-- I love me... it's all this padding I hate! I'm conducting an outright civil war-- excuses, emotions, temptations-- I've overcome you today-- one calorie, one day, one pound at a time.

261.5 -- I swallowed my guilt whole.

2009-01-05T18:32:00.000-08:00

Thinking back on how I actually gained 56lbs in the past 2 years-- I think it really had a lot to do with the guilt I had surrounding my relationship. I think when you start to bury feelings and thoughts deep down inside--- it starts to grow roots into all aspects of your life. -- it's as if I had a redwood protruding out of my chest-- just so vast and immensely unfathomable to deal with. Once I started swallowing that guilt whole-- it just festered in my gut. I think that's why I'm feeling so liberated discussing things like my weight so openly now --- it's something that's always been there lurking in the shadows-- but there's no need to do that anymore. When you stop fearing the monster under the bed enough to actually lift up the covers and look him in the eye-- you realize you've been fearing an old sneaker and waded up sweater from 1982.

Does anyone else see a similar correlation in their life?

Today was my first day back @ work (after having been laid off for 3 months) -- I'm incredibly sore from yesterday's work out and almost decided not to go the gym tonight. Instead I decided to work through the pain-- I convinced myself to do just 35 minutes on the treadmill--- I walked slower today @ 3.7 mph but with an inclination that I started @ 4.5 and moved up to 6-- it was tough! After that I did convince myself to do some weights as well.. sometimes it's so hard to motivate myself.. but if I tackle it one item at a time-- I can often convince myself to do "just one more" exercise or "just 5 more minutes" -- I think this is a lot like how I have to approach my weight loss-- one calorie-- one day-- one pound at a time.

As a reminder

2009-01-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

This is what I looked like @ 281--- it's honestly amazing to me-- these were the pictures that really drove it home for me. I honestly was taken aback by these photos-- I knew what I weighed-- but when I look in the mirror at myself-- I don't see the weight-- not that much weight-- almost as if I have reverse anorexia-- I literally see myself as much smaller than I actually am.--- no more. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

263 - the treadclimber kicked my ass!

2009-01-04T12:26:00.000-08:00

Have you seen the commercials for the Treadclimber? They describe that it feels like you're walking in sand-- well I have no idea how to describe how it feels other than awkward and challenging! I tried the treadclimber about a month ago when 4 first arrived @ my gym-- interestingly enough only 1 of the 4 were in working condition when received (not good odds if you're looking to purchase one).

As previously discussed when I hop on the treadmill I always walk at about a pace of 4.2 mph. I started up the treadclimber (which incidentally takes a while to respond to the commands you give it) I kept hitting the speed up control until I hit about 4.2--- all the sudden I almost fell off... (since the machine took so long to respond) I had to keep adjusting the speed down until I was confident I wasn't going to embarrass myself by taking a face plant -- this occurred at about 2.8 mph.

I must admit that I did feel like I was getting a work out-- in fact I've never sweated so much in my entire life. I did have difficulty with the "pedals" mainly because I don't walk evenly--- with one of my legs I take a much shorter stride-- I had to make adjustments for this but once I got that figured out things went more smoothly. The system does monitor your heart rate while on the treadclimber (which mine was incredibly high-- so high in fact it kept telling me "find the right pace-- no need to rush this is twice the work out" --- seeing that flash about 98% of the time while I was working out was distracting). The machine does give a lot of suggestions; "slow down" "take longer strides" " even out your strides" but I found it to be a little too eager to help! At the end of the work out (20 minutes) I had burned much fewer calories than I do on the traditional treadmill-- and with a lot more effort. I haven't gone back to try the treadclimber yet-- but I think it does really do a good job of targeting a lot of muscles you don't normally hit as well.

This is my humble take on the treadclimber.. let me know what you think? It's ok to disagree!

In other news I did just get home from the gym-- all 30 treadmills (and treadclimber) were taken up when I got there-- the air was thick and humid with the stench of sweat in the air-- can't wait for mid February when everyone jumps off the New Years Resolution trek---

my workout consisted of inner and outer thigh abduction machines 120 lbs (while waiting on a machine to open up)-- I snagged a treadmill and walked 35 minutes @ an inclination that maxed out @ 4.5--- after which I did the ab machine @ 95lbs the triceps @ 50lbs and this other exercise that targets your back and your gut @ 120lbs. Then for good measure I hopped back on the treadmill and got another 20 minutes in--- from the treadmill standpoint I burned 550 calories-- all in all a pretty decent work out-- I'm already a little sore on my outer thighs (definitely feeling that more tomorrow) -- love knowing I "did some work son".

What's in a Number? --261.5

2009-01-03T13:46:00.000-08:00

Well-- what exactly is in a number anyway-- well I'm going to tell you! Each blog title is going to be my weight the day I blog-- this helps keep me accountable!-- I've been slowly tracking my weight and keeping record. I think this is a good thing to do to help track progress and keep yourself motivated-- plus you can always see how different things effect your weight and actively progress your situation.

Now I know EVERYONE says do not weigh yourself... or only weigh yourself once a week-- I weigh myself pretty much every day. Why do I do this? Well I think it's important. Think about it -- if your bladder is full or you're retaining water (as women especially tend to do) and you only weigh yourself once a week--- it may appear that you have gained 5 pounds in the past week-- that only puts you in a downward spiral-- this is why I choose to weigh myself pretty much every day-- I can account for fluctuation and really keep track of where I'm at. Another thing I do is I always weigh myself when I get up in the morning (after I've gone to the bathroom and before I've ate or drank anything) this ensures that I have a constant of time-- my stomach is empty--so I don't have to worry about how much the food or water I just drank weighed (yes I am that anal).

So let me share some numbers with you!

11/14 269
11/15 267
11/16 268.5
11/17 269.5
11/18 269
11/19 269
11/20 267.5
11/21 267
11/22 265.5
11/30 266
12/01 267
12/02 265.5
12/03 266
12/06 264
12/20 263.5
12/28 261.5

On 10/13 my measurements were: bust 48 natural waist 43 and hips 54 weight 289
On 1/03 my measurements are: bust 45 natural waist 39 and hips 52 weight 261.5

Boy typing this is making me think twice about sharing---

So what have I been doing to lose weight?

When I hit the gym I go to the treadmill--- I'm not built for running so I just walk fast-- about 4.2 mph --- I do one of two things-- I either walk for a half hour (with 5 minute cool down)-- which typically burns about 350 calories (more depending on how much I mess with the inclination) --and then I'll lift weights for about a half hour after that-- focusing on my thighs, abs, triceps and biceps --- or I will walk for about 70 minutes (that is two 30 minute sessions with 2 five minute cool downs) On the second session I normally drop my pace to keep my heart rate up but not burn myself out--- I should mention my first session is much more intense where every 3 - 5 minutes I will increase the inclination and sometimes adjust the speed up-- I want to really hit it for the first 35---

Naturally our bodies don't go into fat burning mode until after you've been working out for at least 20 minutes-- so logically speaking keeping your heart rate up for at least an hour (whether by more walking or weights) is what allows me to get the max out of my work out.

Food wise I've been eating BistroMD-- which has been quite a challenge-- considering it is gourmet food but EVERY meal consists of a meat and two vegetables--- since I've never been a hardy meat eater-- it's difficult to have it EVERY day-- I find myself missing pastas and especially salads.

When I lost 30 lbs before I did use nutrisystem-- but I have to warn you the food is not nearly as good and when I ended up doing was ordering items ala cart to get the items I liked--- I really enjoyed the chicken cacciatori for lunch-- my biggest suggestion with nutrisystem is to avoid anything that is primarily meat-- because a lot of times it looks or smells like cat food (sometimes even tastes like it)--- the muffins they had made me throw up because they were so dry--- so when I ordered my food I stuck to lunch and dinner items then had fruit for breakfast-- or a cup of a cereal like "honey nut clusters"--- one thing I highly recommend from nutrisystem is the chocolates--- those were the best snack and really the only snack I ever ordered.

I'm not really a fan of any sort of diet pills-- it always comes out years later that it causes birth defects or cancer or liver or kidney failure--- I have recently invested in some "women's health" pills from GNC-- that claims to help digest the fat-- and I have noticed that it does help with the weight loss. I have considered maybe trying that acai pills-- but as afore mentioned I'm not a big fan of diet pills or fads-- it's always safest to do things the natural and right way.

281

2009-01-03T08:16:00.000-08:00

281. What exactly does that mean any way? Well it basically is the bane of my existence. See about 3 months ago I feel off the proverbial bandwagon of denial. After losing my job, my fiance, the house I was going to buy and what little hope I had left--- I stepped on the scale for the first time in about a month. -- My mother had kept bugging me about my weight on her last trip in when I was still employed and engaged. She expressed concern about the weight I had gained while being with my fiance (who had also gained a significant amount of weight). My diet then became half of a boiled chicken breast with a sprig of broccoli-- She was the chef when she was in and was determined to "fix" my problem.

While she was in I had stepped on the scale and tipped the scale at super line backer status of 289-- 289! What a shock! My fiance had previously told me he was up to about 312 and had been working on dropping some pounds. My weight of course was always a secret-- well at least the exact numbers.

Unbelievable. Not only was I concerned about how close I was to actually surpassing his weight but also being so close to 300lbs. Now I'm a tall girl -- 5'10" and I've been told I'm well proportioned but at what point does that remain true? @ 289 I was squeezing into a size 22 pant and 18/20 shirt. As long as I can remember I've been over weight and remember even in 6th grade being a size 18/20 pant and 14/16 shirt. -- I remember being 172 lbs at the ripe old age of 10 but don't remember when I got into the 200s and never looked back.

My weight never yo-yoed much until I hit college. I remember being over 200lbs then and after transferring to Purdue (3 years into college) being in shock that I weight 254 lbs. I then decided to do something about it and that summer dropped 30 lbs. I wore my weight like badge weighing in then @ 224. Throughout the last couple of years of college I did gain some back but had to have my tonsils taken out--- where I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks from being in too much agony to swallow drinks let alone food-- back to 224.

So where does 281 come in? Well--- 281 is where I got disgusted with my life in general. 281.5 to be exact. Everything in my life had been severed and all that was left was me and God. Mind you before my two year relationship with my fiance I weighed in around 225.--- that's basically 56lbs in two years--- or a little more than half a pound a week.. half a pound doesn't seem like much until it compounds. -- you really want to get to the nitty gritty--- we're talking about an extra 400 calories / day I was gaining. I was always bad at calculus but I think if you broke it down it would look like this

W= S + (L x .05)
where W= my resulting weight S = the starting weight and L= the length of time in weeks -- if we solved this equation it would = Fat -- like I said before I never liked or succeeded at calculus.

What's the good news in all of this? The good news is that since I didn't have a job I focused on my body as my job. I started working out-- my Mom chipped in to buy BistroMD to help me lose weight. I had extra motiviation because a guy who I had met on the internet 3 years prior found out I was no longer engaged and finally wanted to meet me in person-- meet me in person WHAT?!? So I basically filled him in on the fact I had gained 30 lbs during my relationship with my ex-fiance (30 lbs is what I honestly thought until I actually took the time to think about it) I kept him up to date on my weight loss progress-- what I was doing to work out and how much I had lost so far. My goal was to have dropped 40 lbs in 2.5 months before meeting him. In actuality despite my long treks to the gym and strict diet restrictions-- I was out of town a lot for the holidays and ended up getting really sick for about 2 weeks which put a halt on my weight loss plans. At Thanksgiving I had dropped to 264-- that's 17.5 lbs. I started taking some vitamin supplements from GNC and I did see a bit of an acceleration-- I had this in the bag!

The day of his arrival in town 12/28 I weighed myself--- 261.5-- exactly 20 lbs down. Although he had seen several pictures of me I couldn't help but feel my weight was going to be an issue. He had confessed to me on several occasions over the phone that he would "marry me tomorrow if I'd let him" -- I wanted to believe that... I really did-- but my normally confident self had doubts. -- He left on the 1st after 2 New Years Eve kisses-- and one hand holding. He told me he was all ready to ask me to be his girlfriend before he came in but some health issues had occured with his Grandma (while he was in visiting) and he just felt like he needed to help her (and his other Grandma) and be single for now-- but that there was nothing wrong with me. Now... lets be honest.. there was a lot that changed in his demenor-- maybe he's being honest about just wanting to be single-- maybe it's just an excuse as to why things are different. Time will tell I suppose.

So where does this leave me? This leaves me feeling disgusted with myself-- my heart has been shattered twice in the last 3 months-- This leaves me feeling angry that I have allowed myself to balloon to this weight. It makes me feel like if only I was thinner-- I would be married now with kids... something I want more than anything else in this world. I'm 27 and not getting any younger. I'm tired--- absolutely tired of feeling inadequette. I'm tired of hearing "you have such a pretty face" -- I'm tired of not being able to shop at whatever store I want to -- and most of all I'm tired of hiding my numbers. 261.5 -- there it is folks.

This blog is going to be the story of my liberation-- and the tribulations that come along the way. What is my ultimate goal? To be more satisified with the way I look. I would love to break into the 100's-- that would be my ultimate goal! It just seems so ominous--- I will be updating with what I'm doing to lose weight--those three dreaded numbers-- along with how (if) my life changes because of it.

281

Drum Roll Please! 198.8